Just the two of us? Damn, i would have expected quite a few more people in this club. AND I'm not gonna mention anyone....
GRIT!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
But Cat you're off base. The anger is there. It always will be. As it will be for everyone else here. I freely admit to cycling through it, but it definitely does not own me the way it did. The skills learned here are practiced and applied, but I doubt even the best DBer would say they NEVER feel angry
CNS, Joking aside, I was one of the most angry people you will ever meet when I found the DB boards.
I DB’d once before, in the late 90’s, with the book. It saved my M.
When I returned here years later, I was p!ssed. In capitals. That it was happening again, that H was pulling the same crap, angry over everything that had happened the first time as well and angry at everything in between.
I was also angry at myself for being dumb enough to have it happen again, at certain friends and family who had been aware of the situation. Angry at God for allowing this to happen again. You name it, I was angry. I was even angry at the color of the sky some days I had so much anger.
I was too angry to be hurt. I was too angry to really be looking for anything except a way to prove him wrong. To show my H that he was an asshat and that he was making the biggest mistake of his life. I had bought a one way ticket to Vengance Island with no layover in Bittersville.
Over time, with DB, with education about MLC and other things, I let my anger go. It didn’t serve me. It made me a very ugly person. Because even when I was trying to not be angry, I was still angry. No matter how hard I tried to use it as a shield, it was definitely my sword. (nickel pirate) One that I can still swing once in a while if I am not careful.
And there are some here, who know details that will never be on this board, that would tell you that I have every right to have anger. Anger, fear, and maybe an order of protection or two.
I won’t tell you I don’t still feel anger from time to time. I do. Situations and dumb things that people do make me angry. But it passes quickly. And when I revisit incidents in my mind that made me angry, there is no anger in thinking about them. It can be done. It will help you in the end if you can find a way to let it go.
Originally Posted By: CNS
Hey, if I recall, the name of the book is "Divorce Busting" not "work on yourself to change yourself and your life". So yes, I came here to find out how to bust up an impending D and find some coping skills for dealing with an ongoing A. Who didn't?
Am I frustrated that this "solution-based therapy" has not yielded any results? Sh*t yeah. I'm OK with being periodically frustrated.
The irony is not lost on me that to be successful here, I must give up on trying to put my M together.
I am glad the irony isn’t lost on you.
You are right, the name of the book is misleading. Especially when you see very few reconciled people posting on this forum. They are out there though. It can and does happen. More than we, here, get to see.
I will tell you, although my H and I are to be divorced, (which I have NO problem with), we do have a better R now in many ways than we had in years. We can talk and laugh and be friends to a degree.
That didn’t happen a year post bomb, or even two. It happened gradually, very very gradually with many backslides along the way. It is probably as deep of a friendship as it is going to get, at least while he continues his trip on the Mothership, and I am ok with that. It is what he is capable of right now. And what I am capable of while he is still on his journey.
This, takes time, much more time when you are dealing with MLC than other marital issues. Because MLC has a life of it’s own.
As long as your focus remains on her and your M, you will continue to be frustrated.
If you can look at the bigger picture, you will begin to see the results of it in your life.
DB, applies to everything if you let it. It can and will make your R with all of the people in your life stronger and better if you let it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It is probably as deep of a friendship as it is going to get, at least while he continues his trip on the Mothership, and I am ok with that. It is what he is capable of right now. And what I am capable of while he is still on his journey.
Gosh Cat what would you do if the mothership landed?
You are right, the name of the book is misleading. Especially when you see very few reconciled people posting on this forum. They are out there though. It can and does happen. More than we, here, get to see.
My Wife picked the Mediator, who just so happens to be a marriage counselor. I go to my first solo Mediation appointment, walk in her office, and on the coffee table lies Divorce Remedy.
Meeting starts and I began talking about that book with her and she tells me she saved her marriage and reconciled following DR. (Picked jaw up off floor) I asked her did she ever post on the forums and she said 'No'.
It is probably as deep of a friendship as it is going to get, at least while he continues his trip on the Mothership, and I am ok with that. It is what he is capable of right now. And what I am capable of while he is still on his journey.
Gosh Cat what would you do if the mothership landed?
I would fall off my rocking chair in the old folks home with a heart attack...
Seriously, I would continue living my life, going forward for me, building the life that I have envisioned for me.
It is a good one my friend
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks all. Cat I really appreciate your perspective and promise to read your entire thread and not just a few posts.
I really do feel better eventhough there's no progress with W. The skills are useful. I have been frustrated and angry recently, but I'm entitled to those feelings as long as they don't dominate my life and impair my judgement.
I wouldn't buy the book unless it was titled DB. Perhaps "Lessons for Boneheads" would have piqued my interest enough to pick it up. Or how 'bout "How to get laid again without paying for it." - emotionally of course.
E, your post was valuable to me but I thought MC only after the A ends would be my boundary. I don't know if I have the emotional fortitude to put all the emotions out there knowing she's not vested in completely sharing with me. There's the risk of all that water flowing over the stone.
In regard to Thanksgiving, some of her anger over her parents knowing our sitch must have subsided. I had a late night at work last night and over the phone I told her I had no interest in pi$$ing her off because my goal was to talk about our M. Whether this made sense or not to her, I received another call today from her saying she told her folks that I was joining her. Biggest plus is I don't have to confront a holiday without my kids yet. Woohoo.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
but I'm entitled to those feelings as long as they don't dominate my life and impair my judgement.
“I’m sorry you feel this way Crushed” ….sorry dude I had to. I’m just f*ckin with ya.
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I wouldn't buy the book unless it was titled DB. Perhaps "Lessons for Boneheads"
Hey, I am featured in the “lessons for boneheads” book.
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but I thought MC only after the A ends would be my boundary.
DB 101 – if something is not working try something else.
Does sticking with a boundary that may have been set at a time when you probably should not have set it, make sense?
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I don't know if I have the emotional fortitude to put all the emotions out there knowing she's not vested in completely sharing with me.
Did you think you would have the emotional fortitude to make it as long as you have?
Are you projecting a bit regarding her level of engagement?
Either way, you still need to let go of her and live your life just don’t forget that you can choose to change your mind about anything, including any boundaries.
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Biggest plus is I don't have to confront a holiday without my kids yet
You’re a lucky man. Thank God. Enjoy your little ones dude. Hug’em, kiss’em….just enjoy every second with them.
Keep focused on you and keep letting her go.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
