My thoughts are crazy and all over the f***ing map!!! The more threads I read, the more I realize how natural and normal this is... I need to stop beating myself up for this!!!
NOW I feel like, WTF? He is really f**ed up, I can do this and wait it out a bit. He is not contesting the delay in D for one reason or another... does it matter what that is? As MWD says, there is always a part of them that doesn't want to be D'd. I will do my very best not to get my hopes up above 5% chance (that is my personal limit ) and try to remember that piece of advice. What is a couple of months in the grand scheme of things. I need to continue to get healthy and concentrate on my work. It is way better to be single doing what I am doing than in a R. If I can just focus on work, I will be so much better off and can finish my program successfully.
Sorry I am so redundant. Just needed to journal again. Going to do my best to have an awesome time tonight and just enjoy being with friends.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I had a small emotional breakdown today during my swimming lesson. The person teaching me is a coworker that didn't know about H and me. She knew something in me had changed and that I was 'different'. After I told her she said the same thing everyone else that knows has said..."you are handling it really well, you wouldn't even know" that I was going through what I am going through. Which then she added, except that I am wasting away This was a bit of an over exaggeration and my weight has stabilized for the past few weeks.
I think I need to be proud of myself though for my 'acting as if'. I really make an effort to smile and say hi to more and more people. (H seems to be doing the opposite, people are noticing his scarcity around work... but, his problem, he can deal with it.) It makes me feel so much more confident and comfortable at work.
Needed to take notice of the baby steps... in ME.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Ok, just trying to sort out some stuff in my head.
About 3 weeks of no contact. Have seen him out of the corner of my eye looking for me and walking by. Saw him in the hallway when I was walking with a client and smiled. He immediately looked down and walked by. Seemed like a very guilty look not one of punishment.
He received the letter from my L saying to delay this til Jan. He was likely surprised who my L was as well as that I even did that since he had told me already that I could have as much time as I wanted. I think he panicked and filed after I told him to go ahead and do it, that I had a lawyer. He called and told me that I should have told him I have a L and that he 'doesn't have anything to hide' which I think is that part that really drove him to go file... that he figured I was catching on.
Essentially NC has been hard and good... but, now I feel like I am further from my goals than ever before. Now I think there is so much tension between us that it is palpable and I don't know if I should try to diffuse it. I don't want to do anything that would look like pursuing. Another thing that adds to this is that the last couple of times he came to talk to me I was pleasant but distracted... wanted him to see me dropping the rope. A little worried it came across as rude, made him feel unimportant (which I have been guilty of in the M). It is such a fine line of listening and validating without appearing too interested/pursuing.
He still hasn't told people at work.
Just not sure if I should continue with what I am doing or I should do something different. I really don't think anything I do is going to make a huge difference but I KNOW he will not be coming to check out any picnic I am having if he senses I am angry/going to confront etc.
Maybe I just need patience and continue with NC.
Thoughts on ways to proceed?
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I'm going to ask a wise friend to pop in and give you some female insight...someone who has been there/done that...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
GW gave me a shout that youre struggling with NC! OMG its so hard isnt it.. But it sounds like its paying off for you.
I NC'd my H for about six weeks before his nose got the better of him lol. It can be used as one of the biggest 180's ever.. I was a serial panicker so for me to disappear off radar and also my S(22) obviously telling him I was fine, got him wondering what the heck had happened to me.
Have a bit of a read and I will try and read through yours and get up to date. I am in the uk so not sure whether Im ahead or behind you so dont panic if I dont reply straight away I will get back to you when I can, and when GW's not bending my ear (only joking GW)!
This is the hardest thing you will ever do but boy regardless of whether you succeed in getting your H back you will grow into the woman you were meant to be as a bonus!
Take care
Rabbit x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Just catching up. Looks like you are doing great. I have started to realize that untill you REALLY start to detach, this is some of the hardest work you will ever do.
I have been short on advice lately. Just trying to get things figured out right now.
here is a link I keep going back to. I love it. It is on choosing joy. Hope it helps.
) and try to remember that piece of advice. What is a couple of months in the grand scheme of things. I need to continue to get healthy and concentrate on my work. It is way better to be single doing what I am doing than in a R. If I can just focus on work, I will be so much better off and can finish my program successfully.