Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

My camping trip was great. D and I enjoyed ourselves and learned a lot. We look forward to our next trip. When I first arrived at the campsite, I was still kind of reeling from the previous day's occurrences. I had sent H response email and never heard back from H. I was VERY curious about his thoughts but opted not to ask. Instead, I acted "as if" I was OK with everything. And in a way, I was. We hadn't really had an argument. And my email response to him wasn't argmentative, just more of explaining my position. And it certainly didn't warrant a response. So the more I thought about it, the less it worried me. So I sent H a few brief texts letting him know we'd arrived. We sent a few friendly texts back and forth but didn't really say much.

Once we returned home, I gave him a call and let him know we'd arrived. I also gave him a rundown on how D did (given that this was her first camping experience). The conversation flowed well and wasn't in the least bit awkward. But it still felt as though H had a bit of a barrier up. Part of the rollercoast ride I suppose.

On Monday, we had our normal sushi dinner. H was friendly and chatty, but there still seemed to be a barrier. Unlike other dinners, there wasn't any physical contact (ie brief hand hold) during dinner. We are still doing things hidden from view of D. Turned out that I had to go out of town the following day which would require my H to take D to school the next morning. Because of that, my H asked D whether she'd prefer if he stayed the night at our home (on the couch) or whether she wanted to spend the night at his place. She opted for his place. Therefore, we all drove home so D could gather some overnight supplies. As she went to gather her stuff together, all of the sudden, H grabs me, makes out with me passionately and says that he's bummed he wasn't staying the night at home. I told him I was bummed too. So he ended up telling D that plans were changed and he'd stay on the couch. Once D went to bed, so did we. I'll forgo the specifics since I'm sure it's obvious. But I found what happened afterwards kind of interesting. I told H he was welcome to fall asleep in the bed but he opted to go back to the couch because he said "it's still a little weird". So I said goodnight and fell asleep. About 15 minutes later, he came back to the room, hopped into bed and snuggled up to me telling me how much he missed that. I happily fell asleep once again. Then about an hour later, he left and went back to the couch.

In the morning, he told me he hadn't gotten any sleep and he had left at night because he didn't want to keep me up. What I found interesting about the whole thing was just seeing how "not together" he has it in regards to me. He seemingly keeps his distance at dinner and attacks me at home. Then he leaves the bed because of weirdness but then is back after only a few minutes. MLC=confusion indeed.

The following days have been much the same. He's aloof one minute, then sending me naughty texts the next. I'm just rolling with it and not taking anything too personally (which is sometimes hard to do). I'll continue to let him determine the pacing. He's mentioned several times that perhaps him moving back sooner rather than later will help D with her issues. She has recently been diagnosed with depression of her own and has just started on some meds. I told him that I'm sure she'd be happier, but I don't think it would fix her issues. So I continue to not have a clue as to when he plans to move back.

H mentioned to me that it must suck to have to deal with TWO people who are battling depression. I didn't say anything. But it sure isn't easy. I'm thankful that I have the ability to find happiness from within. It's something I've talked to H about at length and he just doesn't understand how finding happiness from within is possible. And yet, when he talks to D about her issues, he finds himself repeating TO HER, the same things I've told HIM. He mentioned that the other day. He says it's often easier to see the failings in others than yourself but dealing with D's depression is making him realize a lot about himself.

He'll be out of town again for the next few days so our contact will be limited. Just as all of you, I'll continue to take each day as it comes and get as much joy as I can out of each one.