Mila I think we all have our own reasons for standing. In the beginning for me, it was because I loved my h, wanted him home, missed him, wanted my family etc.
Later in the crisis, I was standing for M and not wanting to be quitter, standing for what I believed in, and for what I thought God wanted me to do.
Then near the end of the crisis, wasn't sure what I should be doing and whether standing was for me anymore. Afterall, I had already stood for over 3 years and didn't have it in me anymore. Just when I decided my life was going in a different direction was when God brought my h home. Who knew?
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Glam - thank you so much for sharing this....It seems that your thought process throughout your separation from H was very similar to what I'm going through. Thank you again I really needed to be reminded that anything is possible.
Eric - Glad you are OK
Journaling - Had a very nice weekend. Spent yesterday afternoon with D, driving around looking for a car for her and then went for a nice sushi dinner together...really enjoyed this alone time with her (usually the BF tags along everywhere with her LOL)
On the way back H called her...so she excitedly told him about our afternoon and what cars she likes...I bet he was really upset not being a part of it....looking at cars was just the thing that he would really enjoy doing with us...
Today I've met with some friends downtown for a brunch in a very nice hotel, then had a great walk on the seawall and ended up in a pub where we've met-up with more friends....good times. Got home just in time to make quick dinner. Now going to bake some cookies
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila - Congrats on the great weekend. I, too, had a great one. It seems only a short time ago that I dreaded the long, drug-out, lonely weekends more than death.
Walking along a seawall sounds wonderful. Here, I walked along the River-in a shopping center.Bought way more than I should have, but, OH WELL.
Have a great week.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Glad you had a nice weekend Mila!! Hope the week is even better!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Glad that I'm not the only one with this issue.....wondering is it's some kind of a common trait of us "Standers"...and if it is what does it mean?
Mila,
You might be interested in reading up on the "Drama Triangle," or "3 Faces of the Victim," material available on the net. Essentially, a person brought up in a dysfunctional environment is a victim of that upbringing until he manages to get off the triangle. One face is the Victim (who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself), one is the Helper (who negates his own needs in order to gain self worth by helping others) and the third is the Aggressor (who lashes out in anger). A person on the triangle constantly switches between these positions.
I know that as long as my H was in MLC, he cycled between being the Victim ("why did this have to happen to ME?"--when he was having the EA!!), the Helper (he saw himself as the OW's knight in shining armour, and sometimes wanted to help me deal with my emotions) and the spewing Aggressor (who was quite justified in all his spew because he'd been perfectly happy UNTIL....) A person can only get off the Drama Triangle (and yes, this triangle is the reason why all affairs are filled with drama) at the Aggressor position.
Interestingly, though, the reason we married this dysfunctional person is that we ourselves had unaddressed dysfunctions in our FOO. Most people who were victimized in some way during their childhoods, whether because of neglect, loss, abuse, having to caretake, etc, choose to be Helpers/Fixers. However, this "fixing" tends not to be done for entirely healthy reasons, but partly to seem strong/loveable/"the bigger person" and put the person being helped into our debt.
Again, it is only through becoming appropriately fed up with how we've allowed ourselves to be treated, and refusing to see ourselves as victims any more (and recognizing how we are replicating childhood patterns in our marriages) that we are able to remove ourselves from the Triangle. (This doesn't mean people should stop Standing, but that they should not do so from a position of weakness.)
Anyhow, since you were musing on the subject of fixers, etc, I thought you might be interested in this material, which I found extremely interesting and helpful.
You're sounding really good, Mila--keep up the detaching and the living for yourself!
Cyrena - Thank you so much for pointing me to some new reading material....I will definitely look it up. Very interesting, I want to learn more.
I've always thought that my need to help, fix and serve was just my personality....my childhood was pretty ordinary...two great parents that supported me in everything I wanted to do, encouraged and loved me.....I'm wondering if I shaped that way after I've met H and to what degree he influenced my personality.
I was hardly 16 when we started dating....he always had more confrontational, sometimes even arrogant personality...not just with me but with others as well...and I was the pacifier, diplomat, negotiator....It worked for us...I thought that we complimented each other in this.
Interesting what you uncover when you dig deep.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
H send me an email this morning that he is "working out of town this week"(read going to see OW)...don't know which day he left...didn't see him since last Tuesday and don't know when he is coming back. And he knew that the SA will be ready tomorrow and I was hoping that we are close to signing it...so I guess it will have to wait until he gets back and I'm sure he will want his lawyer to look it over...weeks go by and I just want the darn thing signed at this point...
H left town to help OW move, she is getting a better/bigger apartment....she still has no job...spends her days in exercise classes and taking french lessons according to her H.
D asked me to go and look for a car with her again today. I said daddy wanted to be involved in looking as well (he told me that he wants to "be involved" in it a couple of weeks ago) D replied, "didn't he go away again?" I said "yes" and she said "It's not our problem that he is not here, lets go" and off we went.
BTW asked her how did she know that he is out of town, did he tell her? D said "no he didn't but I always know when he is away...I don't hear from him at all"
We had fun looking and test driving and of course she fell in love with a little car that she really wants...but of course it's more money then she has so she was hoping that we can help with the difference....so she wants to call her dad...And he apparently told her "if mom said it's OK go for it" (leaving it up to me as usual).
D told me that he also said that he is very sorry that he can't be here buying it with her. She said "Mom I told him that that's his fault and he got very mad with me"......
So being with OW still takes priority over our business and over his daughter...I'm not even mentioning me...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Received an email from H asking me to attend to something in business that he usually does....obviously he can't do it as he is away visiting OW.
I'm beyond getting upset about it, just going to respond OK and do it I guess....
Feeling alone, overwhelmed with all the crap that I have to deal with no help from him at all.....business, household, lawyer, job hunting, house sale, money issues, D's graduation, university applications, school volunteering....and the list goes on....also with so many things up in the air right now, hard to make decisions for the future....very frustrating
But enjoying being with my D, spending as much time with her as I can...concentrating on being the best mom I can be under the circumstances....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
