H pushing Divorce

[beatrice]

Hi, Trusting and others have pointed ot that MLCers love to control, and the divorce process is part of this. He is pulling your strings. Of course you are not fully and always detached - the man you loved and trusted is shafting you. OK, it is a MLC, and he is not 'himself' Intellectually you know this, but emotionally it is the same man who you loved, had children with, and planned your life with, ending your long marriage.

IMO it would be weird if you were fully detached. It is a great place to be, if you can make it, but hard to stay in all the time. We all backslide and get upset, because we still care. I suspect that most women find it harder to detach than guys do. Just an observation , but the guys on the boards are definitely better at least appearing detached, and at pointing out we aren't.

Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself if you are still upset, and still care. Personally I found it easier to do everything through my lawyer. It also meant that my h had to realise everything he said and did would be read by another person, and responded to, on my behalf, appropriately and fairly. He complained that the lawyers had taken control. The subtext was that he was no longer driving the process in his own merry way. He got over it, and I gained a lot of peace.

They have no notion at present of what is fair and reasonable. They think they have moved on, they think they owe us nothing, financially, or as little as possible. It is all about them, and how they feel. He may think that things will be better for him post divorce. It is another solution for so many of them. Generally, I have noticed they either appear to file pretty much immediately, as part of the initial bomb, or they leave it many months, or even years, and see that they are still not happy, and that they 'need' to cut all ties.

Remember that this is the crazy train. Take care of yourself. We all miss our old spouses. The MLC model is no substitute. It is so weird having to deal with someone who looks sane, and with whom we have NO connection, emotionally, at all, after so many years.

[beastiemanager]

beatrice-

MLCers love to control, and the divorce process is part of this. He is pulling your strings

Thank you beatrice, this statement was very helpful. I see it in a different perspective now.

the man you loved and trusted is shafting you. - he is not 'himself' Intellectually you know this, but emotionally it is the same man who you loved, had children with, and planned your life with, ending your long marriage.

Oh yeah, you put into words what I have felt, but couldn't identify. I know intellectually, he is in crisis, and emotionally I still look to the old H who is no longer there, but my emotions "seek." Emotions and intellect are not in sink. I don't know if they could be.?

IMO it would be weird if you were fully detached.

Thank you for this. I struggle with this.

Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself if you are still upset, and still care.

Thanks beatrice. I am working hard on detachment and I am improving all the time.

They have no notion at present of what is fair and reasonable. They think they have moved on, they think they owe us nothing, financially, or as little as possible. It is all about them, and how they feel. He may think that things will be better for him post divorce.

I was surprised that he has asked me what I need a month to live on, and he put an amount that I was very surprised to see. It was a lot more than I expected.

Yeah he thinks divorce will solve all his problems. Huh, I suspect he will be busy taking care of OW. She has MANY health issues.

I have noticed they either appear to file pretty much immediately, as part of the initial bomb, or they leave it many months, or even years, and see that they are still not happy, and that they 'need' to cut all ties.

Oh my H falls into the latter part. He has been doing this divorce talk for some time. For over a year and a half.

Remember that this is the crazy train. Take care of yourself. We all miss our old spouses. The MLC model is no substitute. It is so weird having to deal with someone who looks sane, and with whom we have NO connection, emotionally, at all, after so many years.

Yeah I need this tattooed on my forehead. I have to get into the mindset I am living in the Twilight Zone. I am living there and functioning there. I will be there for some time to come. Might as well embrace the "strange" as it will be my home for a LOT longer. And I know I can move out of this neighborhood whenevr I want. But where is the fun in that I ask?

[ericmsant2]

BM,

I got scared and sent a text asking why the appraiser, am I going to lose my home?[quote]

As he has told me that I will not. He did send a text back telling me NO, I was not losing home. And that he told me I would not.

I was surprised that he has asked me what I need a month to live on, and he put an amount that I was very surprised to see. It was a lot more than I expected.[quote]

A couple of observations….

1) HE SAID, HE TOLD ME, HE, HE….
2) Do you see what is happening? Read your post again.
3) Believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see.

[quote]that MLCers love to control, and the divorce process is part of this.

Do you see any relation between this comment from Beatrice and YOUR post?

Fear? What are you afraid of?

Better yet, why are you afraid?

Sorry for the hijack BM,


Beatrice,

I suspect that most women find it harder to detach than guys do. Just an observation , but the guys on the boards are definitely better at least appearing detached, and at pointing out we aren't.

Not sure that I agree with this statement BUT the reality is that detachment IMO, happens over time – true detachment I believe takes a very loooooong time.

Eric

[beastiemanager]

ericm

I gotcha.....I get it. I see the relation. H is being controlling with divorce process, and I reacted with fear in relation to his controlling. So H accomplished what he may or may not be trying to do.

I was afraid of losing my home, that is what got me fired up. It was fueled by something a friend had just been telling me about how, in these cases, the judge decides to sell the home, property etc, and splits the money.

I am not afraid anymore. Just at that time, fueled by outside circumstance.

Thanks for your response.

[beatrice]

BM I was looking at your dates, and thinking about my own experience, and those of others. Beware of time lines, I agree, but the reality is that MLC affairs usually take a long time to end. Some MLC affairs are over quickly, but many of them linger a long time. Look at Holly 06, for example. The relationship often isn't stable, and breaks up a lot, but they get back together because they need each other. Most of what you wrote I could have written at the time.

These women are desperate. It has often been stated that we should not focus on the OP. It gives them an importance they do not really have, as they are a symptom of the MLC dis-ease. Yes, some of them marry the OP, and very very occasionally it works out. One thing I have learned from direct experience and others have confirmed, is that the OP is often thinking a great more about us than we realise. My h's OW was unbelievably jealous of me, apparently!

If I am honest, I am not sure I am fully detached even now, it just affects me less. And I am more aware of what my emotions are doing. These MLCers are very skilled at getting under our radar, and they know just which buttons to press. But if they do not get a response, they will mostly leave us alone.

On going dark, and no contact - in part it is to protect ourselves while we heal. If you have a wound you leave it alone. I also think it is good for them not to have access to us whenever they want. I don't think this is punishment, just the way of the world. If you leave your spouse for someone else it isn't reasonable to expect to be able to see that person when you want. Can you not say to your h that you find seeing and talking to him distressing, and that you would prefer to deal with all of this through a mediator or lawyer? It actually doesn't matter what he thinks about this - it is how you feel that is important.

They often do not 'get' that the divorce ends the relationship. In a weird way they often hope that nothing will change, and will cite examples of where divorce has happened and everyone is still friends. Yes, it can happen, but not in a MLC situation where one person abandons their family for someone totally unsuitable

[beastiemanager]

Beatrice

Beware of time lines, I agree, but the reality is that MLC affairs usually take a long time to end. Some MLC affairs are over quickly, but many of them linger a long time.

Oh I am not thinking about time lines. I know that the affairs can last a long time. I am thinking years for my H mlc yet. I was worrried about time in the beginning, but realized is was futile. A person will go crazy waitng on the "time."

These women are desperate. It has often been stated that we should not focus on the OP.

Yes I agree. I think I am moving forward on that issue. I was thinking on her day in and day out. Now, not so much. Saw a very "stellar" pic of OW and man, it helped. Someone else aslo told me the same thing, that OW thinks more about LBS.

I am not sure I am fully detached even now, it just affects me less

I totally understand this. I suspect it may be the case for a lot of people, but that is just speculation. I can relate as now when I get text, or papers etc, from H, I do not get all upset as I did before. With exception of this last incident, which I didn't get upset, but scared for a moment and then I took care of it for me.

I also think it is good for them not to have access to us whenever they want. I don't think this is punishment, just the way of the world. If you leave your spouse for someone else it isn't reasonable to expect to be able to see that person when you want.

Yes that is why I went NC. H was making me crazy, or I should say, H was keeping me crazy, upside down, inside out, confused, anxious, anxious, anxious. I couldn't think at all. So I had to go that way for myself and to protect my mental being. I was in a constant state of anxiety for some time!

It is going alright how we are handling the discussion of divorce stuff. I met him previously and it went ok. I will play it by ear. If i feel I want to meet him I will, I f i don't, I won't. I will handle it as I did this time.

They often do not 'get' that the divorce ends the relationship.

I think you are on to soomething here. I think H doesn't get the finality of it. Lol! My H actually did say things like this in Spring 09. Thought he could come here and work on projects in garage. He was making piles of wood for Winter projects. I was like...ummm...you are not going to be hanging out here if you leave this family. He was so shocked......