CTH, I've followed your sitch for a while (ever since you drunkenly ran over the for sale sign of wife's lawn...ooops!)and since then I have yet to see you act on any suggestion anyone has given you in regards to dealing with your wife. You stick to lowering your head and bulling your way forward doing more of the same. Your recent posts are just more of the same again. When are you gonna listen to someome, even just a bit? You have to co-parent and doing that in the most constructive way is what has to happen. So if you're heart skips a little beat when you talk to her...tough! Do it. All this texting crap leaves incredible holes which can be misinterpreted etc. You spend so much time trying to figure out what she's thinking or what her financial status is or how she's screwing you. Start doing what's best for the kids, man up and talk to the woman. How are you going to raise healthy children if you can't communicate about things! Get counselling or whatever and get down to business. This is not healthy for you or your kids. Btw, Healing Is A Choice (also recommended by BBJ) costs 3.75 on www.bookcloseouts.com, I'm sure you can spring for that much! Do something different, more of the same ain't working! Sorry, if I sound harsh but it irks me when you skip over well thought out responses that people have posted to you just to post more of the same. It isn't easy to do something different but it can make a big difference, isn't that what DBing is all about?
Wii, I read all the responses and I consider them all. When I don't respond to them it isn't because I've disregarded them it's because I'm thinking.
I feel I am getting down to business -- but my brain definitely is wandering. Instead of pouring the stuff out to a counselor or -- worse to STBXW who just viewed me as a doormat -- I do it on here. I treat this as my journal. Perhaps I post too much.
I definitely know I have a ways to go. I go back and read the situation and I realize I'm all over the board on stuff.
Funny, you mention the sign. I haven't backslid on that since. I no longer snoop. Her life is her life and, for the most part, I've accepted that. I've stopped spending myself into oblivion. The interactions I do have with STBXW are to the point.
Counseling? Well, I paid for sessions with Dottie on DB last year and she's great, but every time I opened myself up STBXW just swatted me away. At some point, I decided I need to build some self-esteem and stop allowing her to hurt me.
I had six counseling sessions with someone through the Employee Assistance Program. I thought I'd make some great breakthroughs, but really I just got things off my chest -- which is what I do here anyway. I may go back and do a few more once the D is final.
I think there are a few things hitting me. Now that the move is over -- I am settled. This is my life for a few years. I was so busy the weeks leading up to it that there wasn't much time to think.
The D is looming ever larger. For a long stretch there in September and October it wasn't really on my mind.
And when you really, really, really get down to it. I don't want the D. I wanted to work at making it better and until it's over and I'm actually divorced it's going to be difficult.
Change takes time. I definitely am not "The Me I Want To Be" yet.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Drew, it's not an online class. And it cost $125. That money is better spent on debt or in a college fund.
Sorry, I thought it was consistent throughout the state, but evidently it's not. My county offered the option of taking it online for $40. And you still could, there are other online classes offered for $50, And I couldn't disagree more that the money would be better spent elsewhere. EVERYONE here is telling you that your anger and bitterness toward your STBXW is hurting your daughters but you refuse to listen.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
And when you really, really, really get down to it. I don't want the D. I wanted to work at making it better and until it's over and I'm actually divorced it's going to be difficult.
Change takes time. I definitely am not "The Me I Want To Be" yet.
Yes it does, but the D is happening and you can continue to hold your breath till your face turns blue or you can say "I don't want this but it is what it is and I'm going to make the best of the situation for myself and my family" That's maturity! How do you let go of all this anger? A few quickie sessions with a therapist, DB or otherwise isn't going to do that. You're deeply hurt and that screams across every post you type so how do you let go and move forward? C'mon, read "Healing Is A Choice", give it a try. It means sitting still, being a lone for a few evenings and reading...just you and the book. Try it, see where it goes. Btw, good job on not running over her for sale signs anymore, if I recall, you didn't do such a hot job the first time anyway!
Here is the website that IN makes us go through before taking the parenting class. http://www.uptoparents.org
When I went to the parenting class I thought it would be all about how D is bad and how to make the best, but it wasn't. It really was helpful and the website is free and is just like what my class was. Everything is about the kids. The one thing I liked about my class is the instructor said can you give your children 4 minutes out of a week to be nice to your X when picking up or dropping off? For me it is not a problem, but that is somewhere to start with you. You have to remember (also from the class) that your wife is still part of the girls' family so you need to treat her with respect because she is important to them.
Look at the website. I think it is really good. It has a lot of videos and exercises to help you get through it. NOw if you are in a place where you don't want to change, then wait, but if you really want to make a change and at least be respectful and not be in a horrible mood everytime you must deal with STBXW then look at the website. It is free and could change your outlook.
Change starts one person at a time. If you start changing how you treat STBXW, then maybe she will treat you the same way, and if not at least you are doing what is right. A poster in my classroom says "If you expect respect be the first to show it".
Have a good day!
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Btw, good job on not running over her for sale signs anymore, if I recall, you didn't do such a hot job the first time anyway!
LMAO wii!!!-
CTH, wii is harsh but he's also dead-on and he's only harsh because he cares. Everyone that's posted here wants to see you progress to the next stage! Read the last post in my thread it might help you. You're a good guy, a good dad, it's obvious you loved your W very much and the D has left a big scar on you like most of us. But you can get out of the rut if you could filter the anger and bitterness that is holding you back from being free. Become the man that she and others find irresistable! A man who's calm, cool and always in-control. A man who can key in on the positives in life even in the most dire situations. You can do it CTH!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
CTH, wii is harsh but he's also dead-on and he's only harsh because he cares.
And I thought I was harsh because I was an a_ _ hole! Btw, you thought that was harsh? So you gonna read the book CTH? Just a couple of chapters maybe? How about the back of the cover? C'mon, at least say the title out loud, "HEALING IS A CHOICE"!
I definitely know I have a ways to go. I go back and read the situation and I realize I'm all over the board on stuff.
This is normal. Goign through a D is the epitome of being all over the place. It's maddening. I am glad to hear you got some counselling. Venting to an objective third party can be so healing. Will you be looking into doing it again soon?
I agree w/ you about how when a D is looming, it is hard to find closure so I am w/ you in the sentiment of "When it's finally over, it will be easier to move on" since that chapter will have ended. I suppose we will knwo when we get there and the D is final. When is your D date? Do you have one yet?
