Like most people if you asked me a short time ago, if I'd be here I would have laughed at them. But here I find myself and it's getting worse before better.
My story. W and I have been together for 17 years, married 12. We have two sons 1, and 4. We currently live about 2000 miles form both our families so our support system is minimal at best. Things started to change around Feb./Mar. I notice that I was very depressed and snapping at my wife. I had fears W was going to leave me and had a gut feeling that she was "up to something." I told W that I felt she was pulling away. She responded to my issues by making time for us including ML. But it wasn't enough. So I did all the stupid stuff - accused her of having an affair, checked her email, phone, used a GPS on her car, etc. This would often lead to fights when I would confront her about a particular email or text and about me not trusting her and me changing. I was also very anxious and irrational. I would often drop the D word on her (just to get her attention) and also said that I was considering suicide. We fought a lot. The whole time my wife stuck by me and said "We will get through this. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere" Finally in August, I got on some medication to help and things looked up. But I was still very suspicious of her checking email, phone, etc. Each time I found nothing. But each time led to a fight about trust, invading her privacy, etc. But couldn't stop. Finally, in early Oct. I saw she txted a co-worker at 6:30 in the morning. I asked her about it and she said she wanted a divorce. We worked our way back from that and I started seeing a therapist. Then in Mid-October, as I was snooping, I did finally find something. Basically, it was email between her and the aforementioned co-worker. The extent was that she was developing feelings for him and he was for her. She wanted to bring it up and put a halt to it and keep things professional. I confront her about it. She got mad then finally told me what it was about. We agreed that she would stop emailing him and talking to him unless it was needed for work. I kept snooping. In early Nov. I found that she was continuing to email him and the emails were getting sexual. Basically, they were telling each other how they were able to keep themselves in line with each other because they could "take care of business" with thoughts of each other. I was pissed. I woke her up and screamed at her. She flipped out and she started sleeping in the other room. It was tense for a while. A couple days later she came to me and said that she agreed that what she did was horrible and said that she didn't want to get divorced but wanted a little space think about things. She also said that she would keep distance from this guy (who is also married) Then last Monday, I found out she lied to me about going to see this guy- she went to pick up a work file. We got into a huge fight and she finally admitted that she had lied to me that day. Then she calmly said that she wanted a divorced. Of course, I did all the wrong things cried, asked why, pleaded, etc. The next night we talk and she said she hadn't made up her mind and just wanted a cooling off period. i.e. me backing off and giving her time to think. I didn't really back off, but I kept asking her if she had made a decision and kept at it. Big mistake. Finally, I forced here to talk on Sunday afternoon, when she didn't want to. At that time she said she made a decision and it was that she wanted a divorce. She wanted to file the next day. I finally got her to agree to another cooling off period, which I took it as she would re-think that position. So last night we talk - she tells me that "our plan" is to proceed with the divorce - the cooling off period is basically meaningless. We also talked of physically separating which she was very open to the idea (as an alternative or preclusion to D). She also said that if we did that she would agree to counseling sessions and seem to think a temp separation (3-6 months) might give here some time to sort things out and get back on track. Of course she said she wouldn't make any promises. So here I sit, I'm broken-hearted, sad all the time, I just want my wife, life and family back, but I know it's not going to be easy if it comes at all. I have no support system here. I'm alone, scared that she is gone for good. We are going to talk tonight about the moving out plan. I think it really hit her what that actually meant, I could see this fear in her eyes. If we do that, I'm going with the plan of little to no contact, but I'm afraid I will just lose her for good. And I haven't been finding too many success stories lately.
The good is that we are still married, and she told me last night that she isn't 100% sure she wants a divorce (I asked her.) She acknowledges that she's in an emotional state right and doesn't know if she can trust her decisions. She says that she still loves me a lot, she loves our family and really wants to stay married. She still talks to me, hugs me, kissed me at times.
The bad is that - She wants to be separated, she's probably 99% sure she still wants the divorce, she rarely goes back on a decision, while she wants to be married she is scared that I will go back to the jealous/suspicious spouse and doesn't think being married is worth that feeling.
I'm just so hopeless and at a loss.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
And I haven't been finding too many success stories lately.
Hi and welcome to our community. Our stories are a bit different, but I do consider mine a success. I was almost a WAW in an EA. Your M can make it, but you have got to change. No woman wants to be M to a man who sniffs every step she takes. Jealousy is not called the green-eyed monster for nothing! It will turn you into something very ugly.
Pull back and leave her alone except things regarding the children. Take special pride in your appearances. Polish up your manners. Have a positive mental attitude. Show a great personality. Be on your best behavior whenever you are around anyone, not just your W.
Get out and get a life. Do things you've not done in a long time or maybe never. Make new friends, go somewhere new, etc. This will add interest to your life and give you something to talk about beside your M problems.
When you are around your W, do not discuss the R. Do no argue with her. Validate her feelings.
Come here as much as you can. Posting and reading other stories help more than you realize.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is so hard being in this position. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. However, mostly I do it when I'm not around anyone. it's only been a couple days, but I know what I have to do.
I think my snooping days are over (my wife wouldn't believe that) the thought of what it did to my marriage makes me sick. I'm trying to pull back as much as I can and give her plenty of space. I need to work harder on that. This morning she said she'd try to call me while at work but might not be able to because it was busy. I told her don't worry about calling me even though it killed me.
I was running all summer to train for races, but stopped in early Nov. due to all the crisis. I ran for the first time today in about 2 weeks. I know I need to get back to that.
The other issue is that we are still in the same house and it looks like we will be at least until the end of December. I know it will be hard and there is a lot of pain ahead, but I think it could be worth it.
I must admit when we talked about the temporary separation, I did see A LOT of hope in my wife's eyes. I told her that if we have to spend 6m apart in order for a shot to have the rest of our lives together, it's worth it. She totally agreed.
however, I still feel isolated and scared most of the time.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
[quote] Pull back and leave her alone except things regarding the children. Take special pride in your appearances. Polish up your manners. Have a positive mental attitude. Show a great personality. Be on your best behavior whenever you are around anyone, not just your W.
IMO, stop the snooping. It looks like it is consuming you. Do the above for now and you can work on things as this progress'.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Damn I was trying to edit the above, but the time limit is nil if any. Anyhows...I know Sandi alreay posted it,but..
Don't talk about R. If it does come up, just validate your W feelings. Don't argue.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Welcome to divorcebusting.com....officially. You have gotten some great advice! Words do not tell the full story....so more than your wife's words...watch her actions. Hugs and kisses are GOOD things....very good things....and mean something. So take heart! A lot of folks here would love to be in your shoes.
I did the whole backing off thing today. Made dinner when she got home, played with the kid, had a pleasant/short conversation about her day, etc. I lied to her when she asked me how my day was (I basically was a wreck most of the day)
then she said something out of the blue. She said when she was driving home she was feeling bad. I thought it was about work, but she said "No it's about everything that's going on between us." Then she said she was questioning the decision to have a temp separation. I think she was actually thinking what it meant. (Hello divorce is certainly living apart) I just validated her feelings. I know she is cooling off from her anger, but I also know it doesn't change things. She also didn't call today as she usually does. She apologize for not calling. and I said. that's okay, we talked about it. Then she said "but I like talking to you."
I know it's early and I just want to read into everything, but I'm trying to be realistic here. and I've stopped the snooping. It's like when you drink too much of one liquor then you get sick if you thing about it. I feel the same now about snooping.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Excellent realization, and very good interactions. You are doing something right.
One of the best DB 'techniques' is REAL GIVING. Giving your partner the gifts....emotional or otherwise....that makes them happy. Filling what's important in their heart.
What do you think you could do that would just really make her happy?
How does this backing off thing really work?. I've been doing it for a couple days and she has gotten more distant in some respects. No more hugs, no more kisses, no more "I love you." It's like she thinks I'm okay with everything so she can mentally move on in her life. How does a person not think this?
I don't know if she's the type of person who falls for "tricks." It's so messed up. I just want to wake from this nightmare. I'm tired and scared.
I guess I'm focusing on all the stories here where it didn't really work.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
They aren't really 'tricks'. They are different behaviors, and can feel like tricks because they are going against our instincts/usual behavior. But our usual behavior (lately anyway) is what has gotten us to this place...so different behavior is warranted.
