Haven't Yet Found My Way

[dbmod]

Mystik,

Thinking of you.

DECIDE how you will use tomorrow. Get yourself back...you can do this!

[Mystik]

I want to talk to H, a post-mortem on our marriage kind of talk, tell him I still love him and always will. But I know that will get me nowhere so I'm restraining myself. It just feels so strongly like if I say I Love You to him that will break the fog and he'll wake up and realize what he's done and come back to me. I'm not sure how to act around H. No interactions with him at all is what I feel would be best for me, but I doubt he'll leave me alone like that. Do I be friendly? Civil? Cold? Right now being cold towards him is my inclination.

Thursday we have the parent-teacher conference for DS, that's going to be torture having to sit there with H and know he has another kid by Whore, that it is a reality and is not going away despite my desperate pleas to God for that to happen. But at the same time, again that damn feeling of calm, that feelng that everything will be ok, that H will return soon and Whore and It won't be a concern for us anymore. Is it me convincing myself of that because I can't cope with any other option? Is it God answering my prayers for H's return, letting me know that it will happen eventually? Or am I just that crazy that I've gone delusional?

[Mystik]

Dbmod, not going to stress about tomorrow, just taking a wait and see how it goes approach. I'm convinced that they'll tell me I'm fine,to go home, suck it up and get over it.

[dbmod]

I just want to tell you right now that if you tell him you love him, or be cold....they will both have the effect of pushing him away. What you want is 'non-chalant'.

That calm that you feel is what you want to 'lean into'. It is the beginning of the peace. So let yourself do a few things that will change your brain, and open the space for good interactions and the chance he will come back to you: 1)Keep bringing yourself back to this peaceful feeling when you start to feel the panic....just remember this calm. 2) Don't let yourself call her 'whore' or the baby 'it'. It reinforces the stress in your brain. When your H comes back to you, this other baby will forever be in his life and your son's life. You don't have to embrace it right now, but the sooner you have the glimpse of that possibility, the sooner you will be able to have the behaviors that will change your H's behaviors.

Whatever your outcome of your hospital visit tomorrow...I believe in you.

[Mystik]

Non chalant is what I try for, not quite suppressed tears is what I end up with.

[Mystik]

Today is my appointment. Had trouble sleeping last night, cried a bit after DS was asleep, finally dozed off around 1. Only woke up once, which is better than I expected. Had bizarre dreams, but none about H. Both a blessing and a curse. At times I look forward to my dreams in hopes that H is there, because at least then I have him.

[dbmod]

Wishing you the BEST today!

[courageous wife]

(((mystik)))

Thinking of you today and hope that today will be the start of the pain that you have been feeling for so long to finally begin to fade away!!!

[bluestar]

Praying for you today, Mystik. Be open as you begin. Take in everything that the therapy has to offer in every form. Your brain and your heart will sift through and find what you need.

[Mystik]

Thanks everyone. I think it went ok, they did say I need the program. I go back on Friday to meet with the treatment group and my therapist. Going to start with half days three days a week and if my therapist decides I need full day every day they'll change it.