Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Dbmod,
Just found the site randonly on the internet. I was originally looking for some assurance that I wasn't alone or the problems my W and I were having "normal". I immediately read a couple good articles on the main page and then I started browsing the forums.

I don't have the books, and last night when I got home I started dinner and I firmly said to my W, "I realize you need time and space and I haven't given in too you - I want to tell that I understand and I am going to give you that space. When you are ready to talk I will be here to listen". She thanked me and said she was glad I finally realized what she needed.

She then started to go into one of our biggest (throughout our entire relationship) my parents - especially my mother. I told her that I knew it was something I needed to deal with and that I was going to talk to them this week.

She in turn told me not too, because of Christmas coming up and my little brothers wedding at the end of the year - she doesn't want to make things any worse (such as my parents refuse to talk to me) or cause problems at my brothers wedding. I think she means this, but she's also said she doesn't want to see or speak to my mother at all right now and I believe my mother may want to talk to her if I went and explain my feelings and issues that have existed basically since day one.

Honestly the "internet addiction" has virtually been resolved as I'm stopped bringing my laptop home with me and we don't have another computer in the house, but obviously when I start councelling I will bring it up.

My wife loves country music, outdoors, horses, dogs, farming and she's had a life long dream to own a farm and to teach children how to ride horses and of course her children (which she keeps telling me are the most important people in her life). She has virtually no friends of any kind, other than her older sister and some of my friends wives. She used to own a horse when we dated, and we spent time regularly at the farm with her horse. She is a stubborn person by her nature likely as a condition of her family history. To be totally honest I'm not sure what makes her happy now.

When we dated we were always together, I fell hard for her (as this was both of our first real relationships - although we had both had short dates with other people previously), and we spent as much time together as we could. I was very thoughtful, always trying to surprise her with things. I would take her away for short getaways on the weekends sometimes. I bought her a promise ring, and obviously I was there for her as person to talk to when her parents were going through all their problems. We also went on a number of trips together, Mexico, Florida, Bermuda and the focus from me was obviously only on her. On the weekends we would regularly go out to bars and nightclubs with my friends, dance and drink.

When we got married, we used to spend a lot of time going hiking with our dog, going out for dinner together and just spending time together, we'd watch movies and we both worked full time. On the weekends we would regularly go out to bars and nightclubs with my friends. I believe these things made my wife happy, but I don't think she was fullfilled as we'd always talked about buying a farm, but we could never quite afford it - which always made me feel bad.

The funny thing is she told me the other day that she feels like she "never had a choice in life", but throughout our relationship she has been the driver in decisions. She picked our first house and she decided where we were going to get married - I never had an issue with this and generally feel that she always made good choices, so there was never a point to me challenging it.

I think your right about watching her actions, it's only been a few weeks but I miss the physical attention a lot (not necessarily sex) hugs, holding hands and kissing.

I believe I can save my marriage, and I know my wife has not completly given up if only for the kids. She has said numberous times that I'm not a bad person or even a bad guy, but that she's changed too.

I think backing off and giving her space will only help, but I'm not sure how "I" get through this...I get so excited and I anticipate getting home from work - only to feel crushed shortly after I walk in the door.

I'm not sure that I know how to make myself happy...andjust sitting her typing this makes me said and depressed. I cried a lot in front of her in the first couple days and numberous times I had trouble holding it together. I have some really strong feelings of hate and anger towards myself, that I haven't been able to completly shake - as I feel like this is all my fault.