I 180’d in several ways: - got more exercise, I prefer to be active anyway, but married life can leave you so little time - stopped fighting, identified my problems and apologized for them- incredibly hard in the midst of your spouse’s affair. This was so opposite my normal prideful self, it really surprised both of us - really focused on my faith, and spent a lot of time in prayer - increased my own social circle by reconnecting with old friends, etc
I’d say that some of the changes lasted and some didn’t. Any way you slice it, the marriage and kids will take up so much of your rime that it’s hard to do what you want, and you need to sacrifice some of the social and active things for being responsible around the house.
I’m trying to avoid “talks”, but 2 nights ago, she initiated. I asked as gently as possible what I manipulated, how I am so controlling. Answer: “just everything….like the bedroom, I’ve wanted to paint it for years, but you keep saying we should get out of debt first”. This to me seems like the way 2 adults should talk…
I truly feel like I have very little control, and tried to talk about things as much as possible, rather than just push my decisions. She handles all of the bill paying, and plans all of the vacations for example. I noted that we never vacation where I want, and she responded similar to my “paint the bedroom” response: “We discuss it and reach a decision together, how is that manipulative?” Agreed.
After reading here yesterday morning, I tried being in less contact during day yesterday. It went OK but was hard. She seemed to have more of a smile for me when I got home, had cooked some supper, made brownies. We watched TV together without fighting. On the other hand, she commented on the kids’ growing resilience (prepping for breaking it to them), brought up R talk herself, and said she didn’t want to make any rash moves but was still pretty sure that she needs out.
I don’t want to always talk, but wish I could get her to read a few of these posts, especially the first chapter of Michelle’s book. I feel like I should “strike while the iron is hot” since she is moving slightly in the right direction, but I understand and appreciate the value of backing off.
