hi everyone. my first post here. i look at my h and wonder who i married ten years ago. we are both in our 30s have no kids, a good sex life and i thought things were going great. we both work and our weekends are free to do whatever we want. we take great vacations too. sounds wonderful, right? well, i woke up in the middle of the night and he was at the computer looking at porn. and it was some that i never knew existed because i just don't know that much about that and i was so shocked and he was so embarrassed that i caught him. he apologized and promised he'd nevr do it again. and well, guess what? he can't stop. he looks so ashamed and i feel bad that im making him feel bad but i don't see why i"m not enough for him. who is the man i married? anyone who hs any advice is welcome to help me. thank you.
Marmie I answered this on Infidelity and I'm copying my answer here - because I think this is an issue a lot of LBS could think about.
Marmie I'm going to be straight up with you girl ... why did he have to apologise and promise never to look at porn again? Pornography, in the privacy of an intimate committed relationship, can be a legitimate adult entertainment that enhances your sexual relationship. It's not about you not being enough for him, it's about him having a sexual appetite that includes a variety of things including sex with his wife. It's kind of sad that it's a part of his sexual self that he hasn't felt safe sharing with you.
We women are raised to have quite narrow views about sex and sexuality. And we get married in our early 20s so we're not particularly sexually experienced when we get married. I don't know about you, but I always thought that it was ladylike to be sexually niave. My first husband and I had what I thought then was a "good" sex life ... in hindsight it was mediocre ... because I was so "ladylike". I would have been like you about porn ....
My point is, porn is pretty harmless. Talk to your husband about it, let it spice up your fantasy life, watch it with him. There's porn now that's produced by women, so it's still sexy, but a bit more tasteful than some of the hardcore mens stuff. Moving your sexual life to a new level of intimacy can breed a whole new level of emotionally intimacy.
Marmie this is a marriage saving board. There are dozens of women here who's husbands have sighted their mundane sex life as one of the reasons ILYBNILWYA. Men have different expectations of sex than women do. They use sex as a way to create intimacy and the deeper your intimate connection, the deeper the emotional connection can be. Don't be scared of that. Between a healthy couple that's a really valuable tool for keeping your love alive and your marriage strong.
You can make a big deal out of this and it will cleave a wedge in your relationship ... or you can explore if it's something your interested in and share it with him and create a new level of intimacy.
Of course if you are just completely ideologically or morally opposed to porn you have a problem. I would encourage you though to consider that just as you've a right to your values in relation to pornography, so too does your husband - and it's not like it's illegal (well not where I live anyway) .... _________________________
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
