H called tonight to ask if he could come see the kids. I told him they had 30 minutes before bedtime and he said if I didn't mind he'd bathe them and put them to bed. I was wearing a new sexy dress and boots - he didn't seem to notice. We chatted a little about work and he brought up college football. When the kids were in bed he asked if we could talk and then started discussing the division of assets. I'm proud of myself - at times I had tears running down my face, but I kept my voice calm and did not get angry or overly upset.
I told him that I fully own 50% of our problems (he said he owned his 50% too) but that I feel the divorce is his choice and I take no responsibility for that decision. He told me that it is a consequence of our problems, so I share responsibility for that. I disagreed and shared with him that I had almost left him several times before (something he did not know) but always stayed to work on our marriage because I believed in us, and that I had expected him to do the same. He looked like an aggravated little boy at that.
I told him that since I felt our problems were fixable, I was unwilling to go to a lawyer together and say that I had given up on our relationship. He was free to file on his own, but in that case I would get my own lawyer, and, since I feel the divorce is unnecessary, I gave him a choice: he could pay for my lawyer, or I would pay for the lawyer and he would agree to attend - and participate in - 5 sessions of marriage counseling. I thought for sure he'd immediately say he'd pay my lawyer. Instead, he told me that he thought it unlikely that I'd convince anyone that he should pay the lawyer. Then he asked what I expected to get out of counseling. I told him that I wanted a) the self-respect of knowing that I did everything I could to save this relationship, b) the ability to look into our children's eyes and tell THEM I'd done everything I could, c) the opportunity to further recognize my role in our problems so that I could address my own issues, and d) the miniscule possibility that he might delay signing the divorce papers. He asked if I would agree to limit the scope of the sessions to only rehashing what we had each done wrong and I said no, that while the first one or two sessions would need to identify our mistakes, I was unwilling to say what the latter ones should look like. He agreed to go, provided I acknowledge that he had zero desire to work on our marriage and that the counseling was not going to change his mind (and I did not break down at this!). I validated that there are some big issues in our marriage, that I don't want to return to the one we had either, and that he may be right that either he or I is unable to make the changes necessary to fix those. I also said that I personally would not believe any "talk" from him of change; that I'd have to see it, and that he probably felt the same way about me. (his response - that's true, so what's the point of counseling?)
He told me that he feels no anger or resentment toward me anymore, that it is just apathy (not a good sign!) - however, he does get angry every time I suggest that he fully owns the decision to end our marriage, and he is angry sometimes when he's not clear on what I'm trying to say (feels like one of our patterns sometimes). Is that normal?
He thinks part of my ideas of the asset division is not "fair". I said that I understand why he might think that, and tried to explain my thoughts. He got angry at one point, and I validated that I understood why he was upset but that I did not want to have this discussion if both of us could not be calm. I finally asked him to leave so that we could discuss the issue later.
I did ask him if he was having any second thoughts two weeks (when we chatted like best friends, for 30 min he agreed we'd just be separated before changing his mind, and then his "no matter what happens" speech about the wedding pictures) and he said absolutely not with a really cold look on his face.
I'm not in nearly as many pieces as I thought I would be. I think I surprised him with my stance on the lawyer, and he certainly surprised me by agreeing to attend counseling. I'm not sure what to think of that - is he that cheap? Now that he knows I won't go to the lawyer with him, I don't know whether to expect him to file for divorce right away or wait until the asset division is worked out. Once he files, the divorce will go through in about 60 days ...
I'm confused now on whether to continue to try to engage him or not. He doesn't end a phone call first, he talks to me like a friend most of the time, but still, here I am talking about assets???
