My W had an EA/PA she took this week for space.OM is staying with his family. we have 5 kids. She finally admitted she feels leaving is the only option will DBing even work at this point. It wil be a couple of months before she leaves the house. Help please.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I'm not sure that I'm in any situation to help you. I too have 5 children and my husband had another affair(this has happened before), before he walked out in July. I guess it's never too late. Have you read the book?? At this point, if you want your marriage to work, you need to be willing to try anything. My husband did come back - the first time -- which was 7 years ago. However, this time, he keeps telling me that he's not coming back again. One thing I know for sure is that if you don't try, it's not like they're going to do anything except leave. If nothing else comes of it, the book does make you feel better about yourself. For your children's sake, I hope you and your wife are able to work through this - but remember, it's not a quick fix. Be prepared for months of hard work -- nothing is impossible if you have faith.
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
She doesn't want to work it doesn't want to talk about anything she just showed me a budget it turned emotional she complained about stuff from10 years. Ago and I ended up saying fine if u r that done get out so she's not sleepig here tonight maybe not again. I have the books but I think she has her mind set its seperate/divorce. And she says I don't know what the future holds either way she needs a break from me right now and a week at a time isn't doing it. Maybe we will have a normal conversation when she brings the kids back maybe I should just give up. Why couldn't she have spoken her mind all these years then we wouldn't be here.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Look -- again, I'm not an expert, or I wouldn't be here again. This much I can tell you -- my H told me over and over again that he was NOT coming back and he did NOT love me and that it was OVER. Th DB book made me feel better about myself and the better I felt, the more he took notice of me and we did get back together. We were together for 6 years before I landed back here again. So I can tell you that it doesn't hurt to try if you want her back. I know how confused you are -- do you really want to try, should you give up, she doesn't really deserve you. I also run the gammet of confusion. Reality is you both do need a break from each other and you need to take care of you. I guarantee the minute you start actually feeling better she'll notice. I can't guarantee your M will survive, but she WILL notice you being happier and whatever does happen, you will feel better about you. Keep your chin up!
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
It cannot hurt to try. You never know what is another person's heart. If she is involved in an affair, then the chances that changing yourself will change her mind are not high. But if she is not in an affair, it could be that just by becoming a better person, you will attract her back. The key word there is attract. You won't get her back by begging, crying, or trying to make her feel guilty. She is trying to have a better life. Can she do that with you? Can you show her how life with you can be better than it was? Those are the kind of things that might make a difference.
Thanks for the posts. This is the second night she is spending at her sisters. I got upset yesterday and so she is not sleeping at home. i am done with mad. I just have to show that. I will work this until it is not workable either way we need to coparent. I think she may have a bit of the "fog". Time will tell here I can't find my crystal ball. Watching for the baby steps.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Disbelief, My WAW left in June, so we have been seperated for 6 months now... Same story had an affair... I did not like it at first, but I settled into the whole deal and now I am ok with it... We are seeing a MC together...it is helping... We date some and go to kids school functions, etc... Please read the books...both DB and DR... Please start using the Michelle Davis LRT and 180 techniques... I immediately started using all this material within the first three weeks and it makes a Hill of a big difference... When you want to yell and vent...do it solo when you are by yourself... When you are around your wife show her the happy content confident you... I started seeing results within 1-2 months... Read Dr Harleys his needs/her needs and Love busters... Read, study, and implement the techniques...
Marriage is dam hard business...it is the common dynamic of two people trying to make a life as one...some days you barely like each other and other days you are quite smitten with each other... Marriage is the hardest work you will ever do, but it can be sweetly rewarding when the family is intact and a husband and wife work at meeting each others emotional needs...
So, please together let's roll up our sleeves and get to work... Thanks...
Twom, Thanks would love to keep getting feedback or maybe I need to move the thread.I haven't posted in a couple days so I will update now. She spent two nights not at home with her family, last night she slept at home seperate room as it had been since D-Day. I have read DR just lost it the other day emotional overload. I am embracing it. Only communication is going to be daily must discuss with her. She is still taking steps to prepare to move out but the way she wants to do it will take a couple months. We are cordial we actually had a conversation and maintained eye contact. If i touch her hand she doesn't jolt away as she did 4 weeks ago. I actually got a real hug the other night that was the first since D-day. Does it mean anything I don't know. My goal: stay backed off and nice. Compliment her when it fits into conversation. No R Questions Reading and re-reading the 180 list, in my pocket.
Unreasonable goal: Build my time machine to fix this and buy my crystal ball.
Thanks for the support I need it.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Disbelief, You are on the right track... I have read and re-read the 180 list over 250 times in the last 6 months... She may stay, or she might move out...you cannot change her... You can change yourself by using the 180 list and seeking self improvement and making lifelong changes for yourself... The lifelong changes must be sincere to help yourself out...the added benefit is that she will pick up on them and want to get to know the new and improved Disbelief... Stay with it and keep us posted... Thanks...
Some updates....Copied from another forum thread I have going 11/17 So we just had a talk about the A and a little of how we our marriage got there. It was a polite conversation she now looks distressed but probably because the reality is she is done, I don't think any method will bring this back unless you with more experience believe otherwise. The conversation consisted of how she had been unhappy for a long time her body language response to 5 years would be that long. She says that she thought it was just the way it was suppssed to be so she did not speak up all that time. I told her if she only had i would have worked to fix it. She is not over the OM she is not in love with me anymore. I don't think 180's will do here. She wants to find a place and move out she believes the children will not miss her, she doesn't see any other way. Says she wasn't happy for years and I should have seen it, but how do you pick up on these things with a W whose personality is quiet not super loud ROFL there's little to detect. So Really is there a chance to bring her back or do I just face it and hold her off until after the holidays to tell the children. My last glimmer of hope is burning out.
11/18 Well this kind of a journal at the moment her resentment and anger is full force this morning I am again evil all the negatives is it her confronting emotions the fog. I really need some input here.
Just FYI last nights conversation was very cordial and calm. It did have on heightened moment but not even raised voices. I have some alone time the next few days I am going to reflect. I am going to reread things. The conversation last night in retrospect now that I have let some emotions out on my own today I think maybe allowed her to get some stuff out, I hope. She has not been willing to talk about it at all, the A. I didn't ask any R or A questions to begin with. It began with the housing conversation and I asked what would make her happy and she kind of went on about 10 min. We ended on an OK note she cried a little when saying the A was her happiness. I started to say how that was without kids and so on and she went right on the defensive. She said she is not over the A not over him. I asked if seperation is still the only way she said what other way is there I said to work at it her body language slumped and sighed. She did get defensive about a D comment I made so I recognize I need to increase that filter in my head and Back off from 90% to 220%. Very hard to do. Her talk of taking care of things is that she can still do the bills make sure we are all set pick up the kids when she is not working. Like it's no biggie just a divorce but still taking care of each other. I don't know I will heed your advice I keep rereading the 180 list that has helped. Maybe these next few days of her with kids and me alone will help both of us. I do not expect a sudden change.
Goal : Back Off More! Whats best for my kids still makes me happy!
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
