Haven't Yet Found My Way

[Mystik]

I want to talk to H, a post-mortem on our marriage kind of talk, tell him I still love him and always will. But I know that will get me nowhere so I'm restraining myself. It just feels so strongly like if I say I Love You to him that will break the fog and he'll wake up and realize what he's done and come back to me. I'm not sure how to act around H. No interactions with him at all is what I feel would be best for me, but I doubt he'll leave me alone like that. Do I be friendly? Civil? Cold? Right now being cold towards him is my inclination.

Thursday we have the parent-teacher conference for DS, that's going to be torture having to sit there with H and know he has another kid by Whore, that it is a reality and is not going away despite my desperate pleas to God for that to happen. But at the same time, again that damn feeling of calm, that feelng that everything will be ok, that H will return soon and Whore and It won't be a concern for us anymore. Is it me convincing myself of that because I can't cope with any other option? Is it God answering my prayers for H's return, letting me know that it will happen eventually? Or am I just that crazy that I've gone delusional?