Immediate Help Needed on Confronting Spouce

[sandi2]

So she gave you the ILYBNILWY speech on Sept 10th? How did that conversation come about?

I assume she doesn't realize that you know the truth about her and OM?

Let me ask you something about confronting her. What do you expect her to do when you confront her?

Think that over before you do it. I'm not telling you to NOT confront her, but just want you to think about what you think will result from it. The most obvious would be that she would fall into your arms crying with remorsefulness and promising to never contact OM again. I have read....maybe of two cases where that happened, but in neither case did it hold. The WAW continued to lie to the H and go deeper undercover with the A.

So, what then? I'm just saying to be prepared for the possiblity of not achieving the outcome you hoped. It would be difficult to keep emotions in tact. You might want to think of what to say and how to respond to different answers she may present.

My suggestion is that you do not reveal you sources of intel to your W. Once you've done that, then the A goes deeper under cover. If she begins lying about the A, then just look her straight in the eye and say, "We both know you are lying". When she asks how you know...you just look at her with that "knowing" expression and don't say another word.

If you don't tell her how you know she's in an A, then she will move on to attack you in the MR and how you've been a failure in making her happy, etc. This will be a real test not to blow your stack. Stay focus about what you wanted to accomplish by confronting her. Do you know what that is? I think I know what you want it to accomplish, but I doubt it will happen. Doesn't mean you shouldn't.....that is your decision.

Also, don't fly off the handle and confront her when you are in the middle of a fighting match. And for goodness sake, don't allow it to be anywhere other than the privacy of your home. Not in front of children, either. IMHO, if you confront the W with the A, you need to be calm as possible. That may sound stupid, but my H actually did that....the first time.

One thing about coming here and asking for advise, please don't go do it before people have time to reply to your post.... That actually happens quite a bit with some folks.

There use to be quite a bit of advise about confronting the S who is in an A, but most of that has been deleted. Several of us had a pretty tough love approach, but I guess it went too far out from the way Michele teaches. So, some left to find other boards and some stayed. I'm trying to stay within the bookcovers of what DR teaches b/c this is MWD board. Think I may need to re-read it again to make sure.

If she tells you that she won't stop contact with OM, then what? If she says she'll dump OM,then what? I know these are answers you want me to tell you, but I'm trying to get you to "think" through this before stricking.

I will give you a couple of tips. If she promises to break it off with OM, she will probably want a "closure" and see him one more time to tell him gooddbye. That a bunch of cr@-p! Don't believe her bs about him being a good friend when she needed somebody.Tell her you both know she's lying.The biggest way I can tell that they are not honest in dropping OM is b/c she won't give up her passwordsto to her emails, phones, etc. A couple.....a married couple should have nothing to hide from her H unless it's a surprise BD party! So, when she barks that you're invading her privacy...bs.

Confronting is a very critical time b/c it usually goes off one of two ways. She will make you think that giving her a lot of space and time might help her eventually R in the M, but the truth is....she's just going to get more sneaky with the OM. The other way is that she'll tell you that the M is over and she may leave or try to get you to leave. So, know what your stand will be and think this out clearly before acting out.

I have not heard about a WAW in an A yet, who did not need the strong leadership of her H. She won't desire him until she respects him. So those are two things I leave you with. Two important qualities a man must have in order to draw that woman back. He can do it. YOU CAN DO IT!!

((hugs))

Sandi