XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

[bright_new_day]

I guess the news of his engagement really knocked me. My L told me that she thought that would be the case but I just couldnt believe it. Why would I? He still professes to not having had an A yet he is marrying someone else after only 4 months of D. I guess what I am really battling to deal with is the deceit and betrayal.

It is what it is. Mine got married (no engagement ever mentioned) two weeks after our divorce was final....and he will still swear he didn't have an affair. They are delusional and have to believe their own lies. They have to be right to justify the horrible things they did. That is their burden to live with, not ours!

[antlers]

I guess what I am really battling to deal with is the deceit and betrayal.

They are delusional and have to believe their own lies. They have to be right to justify the horrible things they did.

The deceit and betrayal are hard to deal with.

The second sentence is as true as anything that ever was true.

[lea74]

Hi gabbysmom, thanks for all your input. I really feel for you. I cant even imagine how it must have felt for your Xh to have left when your D was so young and also after you tried so hard for her.

HOWEVER, having read all your entries I know that you will be okay. You are moving in the right direction and you will definitely benefit from all your hard work.

One day when you have a wonderful man in your life and he is left alone, as I am sure my XH will be as well, then who will be sorry.

Lots of hugs.

[figgeroni]

the anger you harbor toward her (justified or not) only hurts you and your kids

I am not asking you to invite her over for girly sleepovers

I am suggesting that allowing that anger to seep over into everything only damages you

if he marries your ex she WILL be a member of your children's family...doesn't matter if you like it or not or agree with it or not...she just will be

your children should feel at home at his house
it is their house too

I am not disagreeing with you that she may be morally bankrupt
she most likely is
she might be a horrible, awful, mean=-spiritied, soul-less b*tch

but

she will have contact with them because she is someone your ex chooses to be with

you can not pick who he chooses to spend his time or life with, even when he has the boys

that is his choice

I personally believe he loses out because he is dividing his time between his kids and her but that is just my belief

you don't have to like her but you do have to let go of some of the anger and the desire to control his choices

[lea74]

Yeah, I know. I have thinking about you have said and realised that if I am still angry etc, I am still allowing them to control my emotions and have some hold on me. Any hold on me, will just not help me move forward.

A couple of things I will accept is that not I cant choose who he is with, just as he wont be able to choose who I am with. Also, I accept that she will be spending time with them whilst my sons are with their dad.

As for that being their home too - that one I am not going to accept. They have a home - ours. Anyway, this also stems from the fact that she doesnt make them feel at home in her house. She has alot of rules and all they have is a bed to sleep in, not a bedroom etc. Maybe in time, but for now, this is how I feel.

I am getting there - just one day at a time.

[flowmom]

Yeah, I know. I have thinking about you have said and realised that if I am still angry etc, I am still allowing them to control my emotions and have some hold on me. Any hold on me, will just not help me move forward.

A couple of things I will accept is that not I cant choose who he is with, just as he wont be able to choose who I am with. Also, I accept that she will be spending time with them whilst my sons are with their dad.

Yes, allowing someone to control your emotions shows you exactly where you need to work on detaching.

What are you doing in the GAL department? It really helps, even if you feel like you are faking it at times.

[lea74]

Hello Flowmom, thanks. I was doing really well at GAL. In fact, it was great. Not sure what has happened but this has slowed down now.

To be honest I think I am just exhausted. The last year has been nothing short of hell. It started with XH moving out, then he got fired, my grandfather passed away, my mom lost her job, I was made redundant, found out about XH having an affair, XH moves in (before D) with OW, XH gets engaged, I got divorced, my grandmother seriously ill etc, etc, etc. In addition being a single mom to two very active boys.

I know that their are others in the world that have experienced far more than me, however I am just feeling really tired at the mo.

Maybe after the holiday season, I will get back into the swing of things again and work on GAL.

((( ))))

[figgeroni]

GAL activities aren't all time consumers...
for whatever reason, people have assumed GAL meant go take a class, go out with friends, learn a new hobby

really
GAL means get a life
get a life and enjoy spending time with yourself

I GAL with my boys (no ex for them to spend time with...their bio dad is awol) so as a single mom with no extra money and thousands of $$ in debt from ex (didn't pay bills for months when I thought he was etc) and no support (bio dad doesn't pay...yes he is supposed to...no he doesn't actually do it)I had no money or time to GAL with classes and getting out

so I got a life on my own
I went for nature walks
I built snowmen and colored snow
I splashed in puddles

I had to do it with my kids so everything was kid friendly

at night I read books I wanted to read
self help
fiction
non fiction

I wrote inspirational quotes on my walls

I painted

I moved

I got a new job

I was awesome on my own

I started to date a bit (2 years after the fact)

I found an incredible partner
We moved
We moved in together
We blended our families
We had a baby
I lost my job
We bought a house (and moved again)
I started a new job
He got his dream job

it's about getting in love with the life you have
not designing a new one
(unless you want to)

[KarenMarieS]

it's about getting in love with the life you have

This is a fantaboulous quote!

[lea74]

Ok Flow, thats make sense. I suppose in a way I am GAL a then.

I now go to gym regularly which I have never done before.

I was made redundant in August and have decided to take a year off. Financially it is really tight, but I have never had time, off, not even maternity leave, so have decided to do that now. This gives me time to help out at my sons' school and also go to all their functions.

I do on occassion go out with friends.

I guess the one thing that I really enjoy is makeing decisions for msyelf without having to ask some grump so-and-so!!

I keep saying the only relationship I am having at the moment is with my sons, but I need to inclue myself in that as well.

Thanks!!