XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

[lea74]

Well thankfully it is in my bank account this morning. HOwever, I can see it was only transferred today, which is a day late and not what was agreed.

I wish I was in a position to not have to ask (it was quite demeaning) - anyway at least it there now.

Just really tired of these childish games.

[Gypsy]

Hey lea..

In the divorce settlement I asked for the support to be direct deposited. Advantages... he didn't have to write out a check every month and get mad at me... I didn't have to wait for him to write a check.. and it provides a consistent non confrontational means of getting the court decreed amount. And consistent deposits help both of you because it shows that the guidelines are being met and enhances your credit if you make a major purchase.

Most companies, even small ones, can set up a direct deposit for their employee and funnel the salary and support payments into two separate bank accounts. Ask the company. He said they couldn't. when I asked they said the check could split in up to nine accounts. He was lazy AND wanted control.

This is business. Treat it as a transaction.

You're not asking.
You're stating a fact. Know the section, page and paragraph where it's stated.
You are providing a solution for an uneasy situation.

If you treat it impersonally.. the more likely he will, too.

Every time he has to write a check out to you it reminds him of how much this is costing him. Let his company do it for him.

It takes the sting away from him, the sense of powerlessness from you and just makes it happen.

The bomb, the craziness of the situation, the emotional goo heighten everything. The more things can be simplified, the easier things get. He gets a check with X % less. You get a support check. Another degree of separation.

Advantages:

Shows that he's meeting the court obligation exactly.
Tracks the payments.
Checks don't get lost in the mail or forgotten to be deposited.
It's an automatic payment, something he probably has several of.

Keep going!

Remember.. it's not personal and it simplifies both your lives.

*hugs*

[lea74]

Well we have wedding bells here in the UK. Charlie has decided to pop the question with Kate - yeah!!.
Having watched this on TV today, it made me remember my own engagment over 16 years ago and I still remember the feeling that I had on that day. I can remember every detail of the our engagement and how happy we both were and of course all our families and friends. It is probably one of the very few times in my life I have been truly happy.
I wonder about my XH's recent engagement, how it has been shrowded in secracy, unhappiness and shock from most people. My sons are devastated and I cant believe that his parents are happy either. A total contrast to our own.
In fact he never told me about his engagment, I found out via my sons. You would have thought that a little common decency would have prevailed as people who have 2 sons together and have shared 21 years together, he may have given me a bit of a heads-up. If he is so happy with her and so exicted about his future wife, then why the shame and embarrassment to not tell me??? It is just so childish.

I hope one day to marry again and I know it will be a welcomed announcement and be enjoyed by everyone. And I will have the decency to say something to XH.

[lea74]

Oops, just realised that I said Charlie, when I meant William.

[Gypsy]

Well we have wedding bells here in the UK. Charlie has decided to pop the question with Kate - yeah!!.

Who doesn't love a good old fashioned Royal wedding?

Having watched this on TV today, it made me remember my own engagment over 16 years ago and I still remember the feeling that I had on that day. I can remember every detail of the our engagement and how happy we both were and of course all our families and friends. It is probably one of the very few times in my life I have been truly happy.

So far, so good...

I wonder about my XH's recent engagement, how it has been shrowded in secracy, unhappiness and shock from most people. My sons are devastated and I cant believe that his parents are happy either. A total contrast to our own.

See the dead horse. See the club in your hand. Don't do it.. don't do it.. ...SPLATT..... Ouch

In fact he never told me about his engagment, I found out via my sons.

Not uncommon. ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... Dead horse is beginning to look a little mushy.

You would have thought that a little common decency would have prevailed as people who have 2 sons together and have shared 21 years together, he may have given me a bit of a heads-up.

Ramping it up a bit. ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... Dead horse is definitely gooey.

If he is so happy with her and so exicted about his future wife, then why the shame and embarrassment to not tell me??? It is just so childish.

None of your business, none of your business, none of your business. ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... ...SPLATT... Horse is glue and is getting stuck on the stick that keeps flailing. How can that horse STILL be dead?

I hope one day to marry again and I know it will be a welcomed announcement and be enjoyed by everyone.

Great.. .. hey wait a second.. you're talking about a future wonderful relationship but still focused on the former spouse? Sheesh.. Why not something about how it's good for you, the kids.. more on the positive than my former spouse is a putz?

And I will have the decency to say something to XH.

Your life. Your choice.


I was appalled too that the former spouse didn't say anything to me about his engagement. Not because I cared, it was obvious he was going to marry her.. it's his MO. I was insulted as a parent.. that this was something that should have been orchestrated together for the kids' well being.

Weelllllllllllll, my dear lea.. that only happens when the focus is ON the kids.. their transition and emotional wellbeing. When the former spouse focuses on the new partner it's the former spouse's choices.. their consequences.

Be the mom.
Be the safe place.
Let them know you're not going anywhere.

*hugs*

[figgeroni]

your ex-s soon to be wife sounds likea douchbag

I learned that if i thought that he CHOSE her over our family, it made me feel horrible...like why would he chose a loser drug dealer over his beautiful family

made no sense

and
it made me keep revisiting that place

I started to think of it not so much as a choice (like she was better) but more of a sort of he realized he didn't deserve me sort of thing

I know you are really hellbent on the douchebag having a relationship with your kiddos and I get that
but
how does an 8 year old "know the pain he put you through?"
why do your kiddos know that?

they are not old enough to process that information

make sure they are not pacifying you by disliking her
(I am not saying she is worthy of them...I am saying that they shouldn't have to worry about liking her and hurting you)

they SHOULD be having a good time with her
they SHOULD be liking going to their house

it is their house too
they deserve to be loved by a million people
they deserve wonderful things

it seems like you are glad they don't like her and that they shouldn't like her

but their relationship with her is outside of your relationship with her

[lea74]

Oh Gypsy, you really made me laugh. I know I know - choices my life and all those things. Need to get off this pity train.

Someone once told me that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone - not sure if I am ready to go that far yet but a distraction may be nice.


((( )))

[lea74]

Thanks Gabbysmom, really good advise. I was doing really well at making my own new memories up until recently. I guess the news of his engagement really knocked me. My L told me that she thought that would be the case but I just couldnt believe it. Why would I? He still professes to not having had an A yet he is marrying someone else after only 4 months of D. I guess what I am really battling to deal with is the deceit and betrayal. I have lived a fairly sheltered life, been with my XH since I was 14 so have never been with anyone else. Never been exposed to such families dramas, no divorces in the famiy. So I am still trying to understand how you can be with someone for 21 years and then lie and cheat and treat them with such disrespect. I am sure that this is an answe I will never be able to answer.

[lea74]

Good point - I like the idea that he is not worthy of us. He has definitely downgraded.

I am going to disagree with you though. It is not their home and never will be. And they dont need to have a good time with her, they should be having a good time with their Dad. That is the purpose of contact to continue their relationship with the parent, dad. I know you will give me flack for this, but I feel strongly about the people my children are around and the types of values and morals that they are exposed to.

How do my kids know that she has hurt me: OW says really mean things about me to my kids and they arent stupid.

No they shouldnt like her - she destroyed our family and I dont have any relaionship with her.

[lea74]

Be the mom.
Be the safeplace.
Let them know you are not going anywhere.

That will be my new mantra from now!!

Thanks Gypsy - you rock!!