I do not do so well with women, Mars Venus BS. But please listen to 25.
You know each one of us who had kids believed we had a fundamental right to know when our children were around the OM/OW or any other OM/OW and that is really not the case.
No OW/OM is going to be good enough to be around out kids, and and 'GASP!' exposing this innocent child to the sin of an adulterous realtionship...
How dare they!?
Well, simply put they dare very well.
Sometimes we use our children as proxy for our anger. We'd be able to do this except for what it is doing to our children.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You are right Jack. When I dug arround, I found that I was trying to control my H again. Also trying to strike back at him & OW. I am angry. It is helping me detach, but it also clouds my judgment.
There is nothing I can do that will keep my D from getting hurt and confused. It is going to happen. I just have to do the best I can when she is with me.
Zen, I think you are right on the money. If you can do this (which everything points to 'yes'!) you will be moving toward your goals as you said instead of away.
I somewhat confronted via e-mail in my sitch, now communication is gone. May not have been the best DB move but I couldn't stand by, it wasn't right for me as an individual... at least that is what I tell myself!
You are kickin' some @ss. Keep at it. The 48 rule rocks but is so incredibly hard to do. Way to go!!!
Your D3 is one lucky little girl to have you for a mommy!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I'll pop over to your sitch to get caught up after my D3 goes to bed tonight. I have been spending too much time on this. That 48hr rule is a lifesaver. everything looks different after you wait a bit.
Tonight my D3 is home from 2 days with daddy. We have story time with her best friend tonight. She really was excited when I talked to her this morning. I'm trying to keep her contact with her friends going and stick to a routine. It seems to help.
Zen, You might save yourself the time, LOL! NOTHING is going on in my sitch. Haven't seen H in a couple of weeks. Haven't heard from him etc. No contesting in delay of D. Just my emotions all over the place.
Yes, the 48 hour rule. I will need to be reminded of that in the future cause I am a very reactive person!! Hopefully seeing what you went through and how it changed your mind will give me even more strength when I need that in the future.
Super proud of you.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Thanks, but PEI and 25 really helped get me to this point. 25 pointed out how I was still chasing my H when I thought I was doing so well at not pursuing. PEI got me to look a lot deeper at my motivations. This board has saved me from myself a more than a few times. The answers I get aren't always what I want to hear, but they make me stop and think before I act.
Detaching, GAL, PMA... this stuff is hard work, especially when you realize it doesn't work if it is only a tactic. It is kind of odd that when you start to really detach, the thing you wanted so much seems less important. The idea of not getting it is less frigtening.
It is a relief that detachment is starting to kick in now, but also a sadness. I have a long way to go with that sadness. For now I am just embracing it but trying not to let it overwhelm the joys that I have.
Before H left I was one overworked mom. I ran a daycare in my home and had an almost 3 year old that woke up 3-4 times a night. I hadn't slept more than 4 hours in almost 3 years. Exhaustion had become such a part of my life that I couldn't think straight.
Now, my H helps care for our D. Granted, I wish he had stayed home and we would both an easier time, but regardless, I now have enough free time that I plan to go back to school.
When I have my D, we get to enjoy our time together. I'm not trying to do a mountain of housework with her screaming for my attention.
I get to be alone. I don't always want to be alone, but this is kind of a treat for me. I never lived alone before. I always had parents, a boyfriend, or roommates to deal with. It is nice that I don't have to ask anyone about moving the stuff arround. I like that.
I have a very long way to go. At least I can see the path in front of me more clearly. There is still a lot of sadness, and fear too, but it is different. Less intense, and more realistic.
I get to be alone. I don't always want to be alone, but this is kind of a treat for me. I never lived alone before. I always had parents, a boyfriend, or roommates to deal with. It is nice that I don't have to ask anyone about moving the stuff arround. I like that.
Thank you. Reading this reminded me of something I used to say ... I too never lived alone. And although I live my life with VERY few regrets, I always said that the only regret I did have was that I never lived alone. Careful what you wish for ... lol ...
I really am viewing this experience as an opportunity, honestly. I am living my theme song these days ... Crystal Ball by Pink, if you aren't familiar with it, look it up on the net and read the lyrics while you listen ... it has moved me to strong tears on more than one occasion.
You are doing well ... and going back to school is a fantastic idea, congratulations!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Yes, I have a lawyer picked out who I really like. Until he files there is not much for me to do. My L did give me a list of homework to do. Mostly documents and financial records to copy. My IC is helping me to decide what to fight for realistically on behalf of my D3.
Not to quibble, but why are you asking IC for what is actually LEGAL advice? Why not leave that to the L? We're not all monsters and since you actually like yours, let them do their job. There's nothing worse than getting conflicting advice from professionals and some who are not in the same field. I mean, if the L gives you psych advice, and it conflicted with the IC's I would say go for what the IC says. Similarly, if the L says do "x", and the IC disagrees, please do as the L says. I am hoping you don't set yourself up for conflict between them, and more painful confusion for you. It also sets THEM up for possible failure. Know what I mean?
As far as wanting to know who is with my D3, I decided against it for those same reasons. It won't help with my detaching. Its nothing but a crazymaker.
Yes it is a crazymaker. For now, let's avoid crazymaking. I mean the holidays do that enough on their own, so, let's minimize it while we can.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
about your d3 being one on one with her dad and you being alone...EMBRACE THE GIFT THAT LIFE HAS GIVEN YOU...I mean that.
My oldest brother left his 1st w. (He was a fool and YES we told him so, but that's another story). Anyhow, "Big bro" was not that involved as a dad while married. He loved his d and all, but he just wasn't hands on at all, and called for help for the smallest things. My ex sil could barely go shopping or take a shower without my big bro asking her for help with their d.
So he got a divorce from a great woman. And then my big bro had one on one time with his d, for actually the first time in her life. I hate to admit this, but in reality, my bro had more time with his d AFTER the divorce than he did while married. Sad, but true. They bonded in ways that might not have happened otherwise. Oh he invited his siblings and our children to help him out a lot, that's for sure. But still, for HIM, his daddy time was exponentially increased over what it would have been if he'd always been able to dump it on his ex.
Fast forward. My ex sil remarried a wonderful man who is a hands on guy who's been a great step dad. My niece loves him. She also loves her dad, my bro. But the day to day life is with her mother and step dad. That's my brother's loss, NOT HERS...hope you can see that for my niece, the divorce gave her an involved step dad, and a more involved dad, than marriage between her parents would have. For her, I think the divorce was a net positive, as horrible as that sounds. Make sense? I mean, I actually think she benefitted, GIVEN that my bro wasn't the greatest dad in the first place. (It definitely benefitted my ex sil. She's much happier with her "new" h than she would ever have been with my bro. I'm sad to admit that but it's the truth. He did her a favor. (Maybe it applies to your sitch to an extent?)
As for your time alone, or lack thereof, well it is something I really relate to. I went from my father's house (1 of 10 kids NEVER alone in our house growing up, literally I think) then to college and roomates, to marriage to my h. I never had a room to myself, til my last semester of high school and that room was NOT large.
So I say, since your choices suck otherwise, why not embrace what life has given you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Not to quibble, but why are you asking IC for what is actually LEGAL advice? Why not leave that to the L? We're not all monsters and since you actually like yours, let them do their job. There's nothing worse than getting conflicting advice from professionals and some who are not in the same field. I mean, if the L gives you psych advice, and it conflicted with the IC's I would say go for what the IC says. Similarly, if the L says do "x", and the IC disagrees, please do as the L says. I am hoping you don't set yourself up for conflict between them, and more painful confusion for you. It also sets THEM up for possible failure. Know what I mean?
I do like my L and will defer to her when it comes to the legal stuff. There are two reasons for me to go to my IC first though. First is cost. My L gave me lots of info during my consultation and told me where to go for free legal info, but this could very likely lead to bankruptcy for me. H has unrealistic views of the money situation. It is will be extremely difficult for either of us to be able to cover our bills, let alone the (for now small) debt H has piled up. Even making him pay legal fees isn’t helpful. This is kind of a question of how do you get blood out of a turnip?
My second reason is I don’t want to waste time asking for things that are not going to help my D3. One example would be a morality clause. My L says they are pretty common and I can ask for that to be written into my D, but it is unenforceable. Basically its only value is as a way to raise some sticky issues in a businesslike way. So, should I waste any time or energy with this? I have a lot of similar issues to resolve.
My L did let me know several things that will help me in my decisions. Like that in my situation my H does not even have the option of not paying child support. My D receives state subsidized child care, so the state wouldn’t let me waive that even if I wanted to. By the way I have no plans to waive child support, fyi. This just serves as a safetynet for me. Also the standard visitation schedule would allow far less access between H & D3 than what we have worked out right now. I want D3 to have lots of access to her daddy, but knowing that if things were to get ugly I am not going to lose time with her helps me a lot.
... lol ...
