All I can do is detach and make life at home safe for my D3.
I REALLY HATE THIS!
But... shouldn't I at least tell him this isn't ok? Or does he know that I feel that way? Does he even care?
At this point you do not have confirmation that she was there ...
Jack once told me: if you are gonna hop on the crazy train, at least make sure it's going through the right town (or something like that).
Yes, keep working on detachment. Yes focus on you and D3.
What would be your purpose, your expectation, of telling him?
I read and re-read. I journaled. I have finaly made my decision about what to say to my H. And it is… nothing.
After looking hard at why I wanted to confront my H, I realized that opening up this can of worms accomplishes none of my goals and works against almost all of them.
To start with here are the goals I have set for myself: An amicable co-parent relationship with H Make my home a safe place for my D3 Maintain as much contact between my D3 & her aunts, uncles, grandparents, & cousins as possible Maintain my self-respect Do not push the divorce forward in any way Do not run away Let go of H
I cannot enforce anything, even if H agrees to it. All I would be doing is starting the process of building a divorce agreement. Basically I will be doing the work for him and “starting” the process.
It would also let H “break the silence” about OW, maybe even relieve some guilt. I don’t need or want to do that. If he is uncomfortable with what he is doing (and I know he may not be), then let him deal with it. If he is not uncomfortable, then nothing I say will matter to him.
Making my home safe for my daughter is 100% my responsibility. Once she walks out that door with my H, I have no control. I hate it, but that is how it is. H is making progress in being more open with me though. This talk will set that progress back at the very least. All I can do for my D is hold her and not ask any prying questions when she is with me. If she does tell me something, I will keep a lid on my feelings and I will not press for details.
Keeping my goals in mind, here is what I believe I need to do:
I will continue to act happy and stupid. This seems to be working well for me right now. I am getting more information about, and contact with my D3. It is making everyone else terribly uncomfortable though. In my evil super villain moments I will admit that makes me happy.
Let D3 talk (or not talk) about whatever she wants. I will call a friend after she goes to bed if I need to.
Post the “children of divorce bill of rights” at eye level on the fridge. This is to help me keep her needs at the front of my mind. If my H sees it that is fine too, but I have no expectations that he will see the light.
I will go ahead and look at and print out a copy of the phone records. This is insurance in the event of an ugly turn in the divorce. I also need to make some changes to my bill that I have avoided in an effort to protect myself. I feel like I can handle it, but will save this for right before seeing my IC, just in case. I also want to see if I should be preparing myself for a public appearance of OW. This won’t tell me what is going on, but it will at least tell me if she is still around.
Make D3 a “what comes next” book to help her see what is coming next. Basically just some photos and pictures she can flip through and that can be rearranged to let her know what to expect.
Begin talking with my IC about how I want the divorce agreement to be written and how to negotiate what I need for myself and my D3. I want to know what to ask for when the time comes.
