Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

Hello everyone,

I've been reviewing these message boards for a couple days, as I am going through some really tough times with my wife.

I'm 33 and my W is 33, we've been married for almost 8 years, but have been together for almost 15 years. We met while in high-school but we didn't goto the same school. We met at a part-time job.

We have 3 daughters, D6, D4, D2, and a 9 year old dog.
I work full-time days with a 1+ hour commute each way (this has been the case for almost 12 years)
W works part time nights (although recently it's been 4 or 5 nights a week) different nights every week. Other than verbal arguments our relationship has never been abusive throughout the years - although I did threaten that I would hurt myself in the early stages of our relationship because I was imature.

Our relationship was very emotional and I was very attached in a fairly short period of time. Around the same time my W's parents were in the process of separating and it was nasty. Husband would leave and comeback, and he was abusive to his wife.

As a result my wife was forced to move out of her parents home at the age of 18. My parents in fear that I would leave and get an appartment with my W agreed hestantly to have her move into their house.

Things went well at first (apprx 2 years), I started college and my W also attempted to goto school, but it wasn't for her. I proposed to my W on a vacation, that my parents were also a part of and everyone was great, although my parents never fully approved of the relationship and my mother began to show outward disapproval of my wifes decisions and also of our relationship, she asked us to start paying rent and helping with the chores (even though she knew we were saving for deposit on a house).

I started to notice that my wife was staying out later after work (waitress position) and she started to hang around with people she worked with. I was ok with it at first, but when I accompanied her to a few work functions I noticed she had a noticable relationship with a male co-worker that got my attention. I confronted her with it, and she told me over and over that it was nothing that he was just a friend similar to other people she worked with. I went along with it, but she started to become distant and approx. a month before our wedding she contronted me and said she had gotten cold feet and that she needed some time alone and was going to move out of my parents house. Needless to say I was devestated and I pursued her like crazy, I was so full of rage and disappointment. I loved her with all of my heart and I didn't want to give up (although virtually everyone in my life said to let it go and that it was likely for the best).

Fast forward approx. 6 months, things are going horribly with this guy and my W tells me that she made a huge mistake and that all of the stress in her life and fact that I wasn't supporting her caused her to look for emotional support elsewhere. That support turned into the affair.

After talking for some time and myself still working to afford the down-payment on the house that was supposed to be ours, I suggested that we should probably goto counselling in order to work out our issues and understand if we could get back to where we used to be as a couple.

It went well, and after a month (I'm guessing because I don't remember the specific time) I had just moved out of my parents house and into my new house - and I invited my W to move in with me. We had our issues and problems (my parents, her parents) but we continued to talk and our relationship was as strong as ever.

We got re-engaged and we went South with a few friends and got married, we bought a dog and we started to talk about having children. I continued to advance at work and our first daughter was born. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, but shortly after she was born I started to get depressed because D6 didn't seem interest in me (even though she was a newborn!) and my wife was happy with her child, as result I spent a lot of time away from the house working and going out with friends. We would fight about it but it never really became a big problem.

Our 2nd daughter D4 was born, and I was much better prepared this time. Complications with breast-feeding meant that I was able to share in feeding and I felt a great bond with her. At this time my MIL also moved in with us (which actually turned out to be great), but she moved out a short time later when she met an old boyfriend. They were renting a house paying an extremely high rent in a very nice part of the city, so my wife came to me and said that we might want to consider having them move into our basement - which they did. I had mixed feelings about this at first because I barely knew the boyfriend they were paying less rent and paying it to us so it was great.

We began to talk about buying a bigger house because with 4 adults, 2 children and a large dog we had over grown our 2000 sq foot house.

We purchased a new house (to be built within a 12 month closing), and although this brought stress we had decided to have a 3rd child D2. She wasn't born until about 6 months after we moved into the new house.

We've now been in this house for almost 2.5 years, of which I thought everything was going fine.

Last Wednesday night after the kids went to bed my wife got really upset and started telling me that she wasn't happy, that she thought there had to be more to life. That I had been neglecting her, and was a very thoughtless husband and person.

There were some obvious things that I have done over the last few months that I can clearly see have caused the volcano to erupt. Last month I bought her a present for her birthday, but I didn't buy her a card. 2 months ago I went away for my brothers stag weekend (4 days) and I didn't call my wife for 3 days. I make the excuse that I don't have anytime, but it has the appearance that I don't care.

I was devestated and my immediate reaction was that there was someone else. I wasn't meeting her emotional needs, so she was getting them from somewhere else like she did in the past. She assured me that this was not case, but that she simply is not happy. I spend far to much time watching sports and surfing the internet. This is major issue, I honestly feel like I have an addiction. I have stopped going online at night and I am attempting to spend my evenings with the family completly.

I told my W that I want to work this out, that I understand I have issues I need to fix and I promise her I will work to become a better person and husband, but a part of me believes she doesn't want me to change - she hopes that I leave.

She told me last night that thinks that she may have only married me because she is guilty that she cheated on me almost 10 years ago.

She said she cares about me deeply but she won't say the L word. I'm been saying it to her constantly, and I brought her flowers the other day, and I've been doing everything I can to stay on top of house-hold chores (something which I have been very inconsistant with in the past). We do have a busy life, but I know that I'm not contributing enough.

My wife says that I am a great father and she knows that my kids need me and she doesn't want that to change. She keeps saying she needs time to think and that she is too angry with me to talk with me and just wants me to stop.

Tonight I am going to try and leave her alone, just focus on chores and my kids and present a happy face.

Just below the surface I am dying, and I just want to hold her and tell her again and again and again that I'm sorry.

I now know I just need to SHOW IT, not say...but right now she needs space and I'm going to try.

No matter what I do, no matter whether I try to hug her or kiss her or show effection it feels to me that she is going out of her way to not show any emotion towards me. I cannot remember the last time she told me she loved me.

How long should I expect to wait before she WANTS to talk to me? I have a doctors appointment schedule as I hope to schedule a councellor appointment for us.

Any advise/help would be appreated. If you want anymore information please let me know. I hope I can do this as my family is my life.