...and once again, I was too slow for his patience. I asked him to help me move along in small steps to help me feel comfortable opening up to him, but once he is out of patience the only thing he can think about apparently is having his need met. We have this pattern, he tries to work with me but runs out of patience because I move too slowly for him; I don't want to leave him feeling frustrated/unloved so I tell him that I am not yet at a place where I want to have sex with him or feel comfortable with it but I agree to let him do what he needs to do, then I feel angry and resentful with myself for letting him touch me in a way that I don't feel good about and angry at him for taking advantage of me and not loving me enough to have the patience to work with me. I know that it is not healthy for me and I tell him so. I suspect that it is not a rewarding experience for him either, so why does he continue to repeat the pattern??? Honestly, I can't imagine how he feels connected with me in the slightest bit in a situation when I've told him that I am not comfortable and feeling angry with him but he continues a sexual encounter that does not feel good to either of us. He seems to think that his touch will persuade me to feel excited, but in actuality I just feel angry that he is ignoring what I am telling him about how I feel and what I want.
When it is clear that he is trying to make a change and be patient with me, I admit that I feel leary of him, but I also do try to let it go, I am more affectionate, touchy, close, playfull, etc, but within a couple of days he wants sex and he wants it now and leaves me feeling like those aspects of the relationship don't matter at all.
I don't know how to be more sexual with him when I no longer find his interactions with me appealing at all. I know that we could use the help of a sex therapist but there is not one in the town where we live or anywhere near. I also have trouble focusing on how to improve myself in our situation when we have two busy teenage kids, I work full time, manage our rental property, am the bookkeeper for his business and he constantly needs attention. He thinks self-help and counseling are ridiculous so we can't even work cooperatively on trying something suggested by an outside source. I am feeling beyond frustrated today!
