What's da haps, man?

[v1olin]

He then tells me he went downtown the night before, ran into some of my girlfriends, asked if I'd gone out. I said Yes. He tells me as far as he can see I didn't sleep at home last night. I didn't say anything. Asks if I'm seeing someone. I tell him I have been out to dinner & hung out w/ someone a handful of times, it's not serious, etc. He goes off.

This is exactly why the Gucci approach works! Nobody likes to be dumped! I would just keep telling him that you have decided to invest in someone besides him because YOU want to be with someone that WANTS to be with you. Now, I beleive he is only reacting this way because he wants to make you the bad guy/girl but doesn't it feel good that he is getting all worked up over someone that HE let go? Sucks to be him! lol

[kat727]

Just wanted to drop by and give you a hug. Hang in there.

kat

[soleil]

Talked to stbx for over an hour today. He asks about my mom, says he wants her address to send flowers.
Lots of the same but a more open conversation. I think I was right about the FB girl beign bl-w job girl. He said he hasn't seen/been out w/ anyone since her, that he won't til D is over, taht I should do waht I have to and if that means going out w/ dudes, to do it. he asked where I was Saturday, my car, etc. I say at my sister's. I don't want to give him nitty gritty details. Why does he care if he'd the one wanting D? Makes no sense. It was a good conversation, him say8ing or a long time he was waiting for a "miracle" to happen w/ us... Okaaay. More talk about the house, "if you want it you can have it Sol." I said if that's truly what you want then have your L write it up and send it to mine...my position is I want a settlement in exchange for title.. he sort of deson't even acknowledge that on the phone. More talk about us and etc. How he really loves me, he doesn't believe I will ever meet anyone who loves me the way he does/did (?!) and he will never get married again, he may meet someone & spend the night w/ them and taht's as far as it will go.

I took IR's advice and told him after D, there is no more "us." He told me to do what I had to do if I felt that is best... Told him that I cannot be here for him after, etc... I said I don't want to be M to someone who doesn't want to be M'ed to me andt aht I agree w/ him, it's best to D if we can't give eachother what we need... that I rather spend my time w/ someone who wants to spend time w/ me as sopposed to someone D'ing me. He said he will call late cause I had to get of phone.

It's a lot of hurry up and talk sh-t, honestly. Nothing has changed. We have a nice conversation but the end result is always him saying D is the best thing. So I agree with him. It isn't what I want but I do not want to be w/ someone who doesn't want that. Moving forward, I'm not sure how'd we repair this cause he seems to not mention any of his faults... He seems to think it was all me. I'd rather be alone than in a constant fight. You can't be M'ed to someone who doesn't want to try to work things out. It's a one-sided R. And ti's a waste of time.

This is exactly why the Gucci approach works! Nobody likes to be dumped!

Lol. Hadn't thought about that...

It's all silly. Very.

IR and CG--you both made good points. If you havent before, you should read my original post on DB. Stbx was emo. abusive. I know that. It's weird thinking I started posting here about a year ago.

So... I should prob stop talking to him but I did like our conversation today even if the result is the same. Felt clearer.

[AtTheEnd?]

Wow Soliel! It's amazing how similar situations can be, although the genders are opposite. WAS's seem to all behave in the same manner. I've heard so many of the same phrases practically word for word.

[ImprovedRomeo]

he doesn't believe I will ever meet anyone who loves me the way he does/did (?!)

I sure hope not!

More talk about the house, "if you want it you can have it Sol."

He sure has changed his stance now.

told him after D, there is no more "us." He told me to do what I had to do if I felt that is best...

Good, and that's all he can say. It takes time for these things to sink in. Now break contact and don't indulge him anymore. Let him do the thinking and then some real work if he means what he says. If not, you already know he's just manipulating you to keep you hanging by a thread just so he can have you as his backup option or so you can go easy on him during the D.

It's a lot of hurry up and talk sh-t, honestly. Nothing has changed. We have a nice conversation but the end result is always him saying D is the best thing. So I agree with him. It isn't what I want but I do not want to be w/ someone who doesn't want that. Moving forward, I'm not sure how'd we repair this cause he seems to not mention any of his faults... He seems to think it was all me. I'd rather be alone than in a constant fight. You can't be M'ed to someone who doesn't want to try to work things out. It's a one-sided R. And ti's a waste of time.

I like this. I like it a lot. It's your logical (as opposed to emotional) voice talking here. These are all red flags and you pointed them out yourself- that's great progress Sol.

Stbx was emo. abusive. I know that.

Fair enough. So what are you going to do? it can't be more of the same that doesn't work right? So no more exposing yourself to the emotional abuse and that starts with not allowing him to talk to you. You're done with talking, either you see action from him or you continue down the path you have i.e. rebuilding yourself and moving onward and upward.

So... I should prob stop talking to him but I did like our conversation today even if the result is the same. Felt clearer.

Yep

[soleil]

^ Yes, apparently The Script is not gender-specific.

So the latest is... I spoke to stbx a lot yesterday (yes, IR, I do engage him and that is my own fault). He received paperwork I'd filled out that his L requested & objected and he was very upset that I'd said things that I had. He said "That stuff is personal, Sol." And a divorce is not? Dios mio. My gosh...

STBX says he still really loves me, I caused a lot of heart damage to him, that he will never get M'ed again, but that
STBX says that "it's too late" for us to go back since we've already plopped $ down for Ls so we should just go thru with it. That after all is said and done that we can work on our relationship, after the D, that is, and we won't have the
'responsibility of M' looming over us... that we could even move in right together after everything is finalized and that "If you really care about me, Sol, you'll stop seeing/hanging out with other people [in the interim]" *implying HG*, obviously. I ask "So you want to D and then work on us?" And he says Yes, very calmly.

Um, what? This sounds like BS to me. I do not want CRUMBS. If I wanted CRUMBS I would just find me a sidepiece for occasional fun and call it a day. It's a M, not a thing you end to then later work on a R w/o a dang M anymore to speak of.

Anyone else think this sounds crazy?

He wants his D, he can have it. But it seems insulting to me to tell me that after we have a D, then we can work on our relationship. Like I'm not good enough to be a wife but I'm good enough to live w/? Whaaat?

Anyone? Bueller? LOL.

[MakingProgress]

I think sometimes they say that to encourage the LBS to hurry up with the divorce process. Sometimes they may actually mean it, though.

[AtTheEnd?]

STBX says he still really loves me, I caused a lot of heart damage to him, that he will never get M'ed again, but that
STBX says that "it's too late" for us to go back since we've already plopped $ down for Ls so we should just go thru with it. That after all is said and done that we can work on our relationship, after the D, that is, and we won't have the
'responsibility of M' looming over us... that we could even move in right together after everything is finalized and that "If you really care about me, Sol, you'll stop seeing/hanging out with other people [in the interim]" *implying HG*, obviously. I ask "So you want to D and then work on us?" And he says Yes, very calmly.

Um, what? This sounds like BS to me. I do not want CRUMBS. If I wanted CRUMBS I would just find me a sidepiece for occasional fun and call it a day. It's a M, not a thing you end to then later work on a R w/o a dang M anymore to speak of.

Anyone else think this sounds crazy?

I'm getting something that is very similar to this. I'm extremely baffled by the need to end the marriage to work on anything.

[soleil]

Doh! I didn't see your post before I typed!

I told STBX that "that doesn't work for me." Once the D is done, that is it, there is no more R to speak of...then I had to get off the phone cause I was at the hospital. He also heavily implied he wanted to have sex with me. I know. 2x4 time! No sex will be had. But man it's been AWHILE. There is only so much my "alone time" suffices. LOL.

Good, and that's all he can say. It takes time for these things to sink in. Now break contact and don't indulge him anymore. Let him do the thinking and then some real work if he means what he says.

I like this. I like it a lot. It's your logical (as opposed to emotional) voice talking here. These are all red flags and you pointed them out yourself- that's great progress Sol.

So what are you going to do? it can't be more of the same that doesn't work right? You're done with talking, either you see action from him or you continue down the path you have i.e. rebuilding yourself and moving onward and upward.

All excellent advice! Thank you. Go dark again?

[soleil]

I'm getting something that is very similar to this. I'm extremely baffled by the need to end the marriage to work on anything.

That's because it doesn't make sense logically! LOL.