feel love thumping at the doors of my heart again

[flowmom]

Yesterday, my counselor encouraged me to open up more to Guitarist. We talked about how it's my style to want to be hyper-independent and not show my vulnerability. I always want be "low maintenance" in a relationship...but she pointed out that "low maintenance" is not how I live my life.

I've had some brutal days lately where I was crying etc. (rare for me lately). I mentioned having a "hard day" to Guitarist in a very matter of fact way, but not really in a way that invited support.

I think there might be a communication block between us. I'm not sure that Guitarist wants to "go there" in terms of going deeper with sharing who we are. He is very upbeat and focused on gratitude and the positive. I admire that so much, especially knowing that he works with addicts and mental health patients. But how he is with me makes me wonder if there is a wall there in terms of what we can share. I know some of what he went through in his marriage and he definitely showed that he went through some pain, but he never makes a negative comment about anything happening in his life currently...and I guess I have trouble believing that his super challenging job, brutal schedule, and spending little time with his children is all peachy for him.

I know he wants us to be friends and lovers. With my friends though, I am real. I don't sugarcoat things or put on a face, and I feel frustrated when friends do. I guess that's where I'm at with Guitarist. I don't know if I can "be real" with him, because I'm not convinced he is "being real" with me. I have some curiousity about his inner life and what makes him tick...but I'm not sure that he feels that way about me.

I guess the tricky thing is that we are at a point in our relationship where I need to risk being more "me". And risk rejection...even invite it, because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want the real me.

That was a mistake I made with stbxh...not showing my needs and my vulnerability or asking for support. That worked fine for a long time...until the rough patches when I couldn't bury my needs or be self-sufficient. He was never able to be there for me and always responded by withdrawing. Maybe if I had been more real with him in the beginning, he would have been turned off and I would have had to deal with the painful rejection of that...but then have been free to build a life and family with a man who was willing to embrace me, including my vulnerabilities.