What did you do to control these urges...??? Any advice here on breaking "Love Addiction"???
Saw IC specializing in this yesterday (posted on FMV's forum) and it was very helpful, but I feel the need for 3 weeks worth of sessions THIS week in order to keep myself from doing something stupid, pathetic, and wrong.
I keep pushing OM away, but in an odd way it makes me more desperate to run back and say "Do you still love me?". Ugh, feel horrified and pathetic.
IC said to shift the focus and priority onto loving myself, 1st and foremost. He said it is a basic human need to connect and bond, and I've got to find that elsewhere ... Every human being needs 2-3 very, very close friends. Me - zero. Nobody I would ever tell this to, so seeing IC yesterday was a huge relief.
HELP!! Help me stop myself from degrading myself wanting to pursue a man 20 years younger, 1000 miles away that I've kicked to the curb. In a way, it's just added more drama to the situation and my feelings.
PLEASE tell me something (other than the obvious that what I'm doing is wrong) to help me break this addiction. I just need feedback, and connection to somebody OTHER than OM!
CHEMICAL ADDICTION: Have you ever heard the phrase "it's chemistry". Well, guess what, it could be! When people fall in love their brains create the chemical phenylethylamine (PEA). The chemical is released from the brain and enters the body (gives a whole new meaning to the expression "pea-brained", doesn't it?). The more in love you get–the more chemical your body receives. The chemical is responsible for that thrill and energy we feel when we fall in love. As the chemical levels rise we feel an intensified excitement and euphoria. The more we feel the increase in excitement the more chemical we release. Oh argh! What a vicious cycle!
Some psychological signs of a sudden drop in this chemical would be preoccupation with the person, or the relationship, that created the release of this chemical; obsessive compulsion to regain this person or relationship back into our lives; and increasing despair, guilt, or shame over our inability to stop wanting or needing this person or relationship.
Some symptoms of physical withdrawal:
sweating or rapid pulse increased hand tremor insomnia nausea or vomiting physical agitation / irritability or easily excited anxiety / panic chills and sweating / clammy skin loss of appetite cramps and nausea feeling of jumpiness or nervousness feeling of shakiness emotional volatility, rapid emotional changes depression fatigue difficulty with thinking clearly sensation of feeling the heart beat (palpitations) headache
I think for the time being, you need to so something strenous that will get your mind away from thinking so much about the brain chemicals, etc. Then maybe rent a movie (not a love story)but thriller or comedy......something to distract for a couple of hours. Throw yourself into planning the holidays. How will you decorate for Christmas, what will you cook, etc.
You will have these times that test you, but you can do this if you make your mind up that you are going to do the right thing......even if it means you'll never experience those PEA's again. That's the thing here......you are trying to figure out how to get them back. Just do what's right and stop trying to get the feelins.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
GW... Glad the face slap was good for you too, Lol. From what I'm learning transference is a big part of all this, so let the healing befit for all of us. Honestly, few people ate willing to be brutally honest and tell you that one thing that turns it all around.
Sandi... Strenuous is spot-on! IC stressed need for intense exercise (based on Dr. Daniel Amen's work), and some supplements... Specifically an Omega fish oil supplement used in a study at Harvard that is a precursor to many brain chemicals (specific ratio of DHA:EHA called "Brite Mood"). Ironically, before all this happened, neurologist suggested a dopamine booster for me --- serious deficiencies that I've ignored and not taken care of myself in the past with the thyroid and other issues.
Here is also the habit changing info I'm trying to follow, although GW's suggestion of removing the battery from my phone is pretty interesting!
Below:
Below are some suggestions to help you break a habit:
List all the gains and pains you received from your habit (your habit being your day-to-day relationship with your ex). Example:
Gains of My Addiction:
What negative emotions did being with my ex lessen? For example: depression, boredom, loneliness, fear. What positive emotions did my ex bring out in me: For example: feelings of being loved, needed, wanted, worthy, intelligent, pretty, funny, witty, desirable, safe, secure, comfortable, belonging. To what extent did these emotional fixes effect my every day life? For instance: My job performance improved, my confidence improved, my outlook was more optimistic, I formed better friendships, I became more in tune to my own wants, needs, and desires. How did my relationship improve the quality of my life? For instance: I felt encouragement to continue my education, support in career change, more socially accepted. How much did my relationship make me feel normal and accepted by others? How did my relationship help me improve or grow? For instance: Better education, more patience and tolerance, higher self-esteem, increase in compassion and empathy, more rewarding relationship with my family and friends. Pains of My Addiction:
What did I dislike about the relationship in general? For instance: loss of freedom, arguments, feelings of neglect, sacrifices, being unappreciated, giving more than I received. How much better would my life be if I were to stop my compulsive longing to reconcile? For instance: better daily joy, personal contentment, increased job performance, open to new relationships, regaining sense of self worth, self-respect, loss of anxiety, restfulness, better health, personal freedom, loss of feelings of shame, increased self-dignity, reclaiming my pride. How much would my energy, stamina, and performance levels increase if I were to stop my compulsive longing to reconcile? How much guilt would I be able to let go of? How would my outlook on life improve? Could I avoid legal problems (fighting a divorce, harassment charges)? How would my physical appearance improve? For instance: no more dark circles under my eyes, clearer complexion, lilt in my walk, healthier diet, better personal hygiene, more natural smile. What pleasures could I experience that it is difficult to experience now? For instance: dating and new relationships, freedom, ability to come and go as I please, joining singles groups and activities, satisfaction in feeling my accomplishments.
Some of that seems to be as useful to LBS as WAW, if not more so... Basically a hard, cold Pro Con list.
Feel free to help me fill in the blanks those of you more clear-headed than I am right now.
Sorry to post so much, but trying to come here for interaction and connection rather than to EA. IC said it's vital to get that, develop new resources (healthy ones) for human connection. As he said, the EA was my desperate cry for HELP! Trying to listen to myself, NOT my brain chemicals.
Sandi... As much as I denied it before I'm thinking you are right about the OW in my EA's life. From these forums, I suspect his jealousy and questions about OM were just transference from juggling OW himself. Also, after creeping his FB page it's hard not to notice all of his young, beautiful FB friends, and one possible hookup (months ago, before we were EA) on the Chess community FB page. I was so pathetic I PM'd other woman (after inviting her to a game) if OM was a player? Yes, I sunk so low... Ugh, that's when I knew the live addiction chemicals had hijacked my brain & actions!!!
So... Sandi, your wisdom rings true, much ad I hate to admit it, I must.
Going in for Lasik eye surgery this morning!!! Keep me in your prayers and please, ease keep the feedback coming. Tell me the WORST stories about how degrading this is... I may not be able to type back much, but am looking for your posts instead pathological need to hear from OM.
Will get time with H today! Actually gave him a good, close hug this morning in the kitchen this morning and that close, physical contact felt wonderful!! Still have a ways to go to tell him more of my specific needs, but I'm working on it, and hoping it won't take the pain of revealing EA to get him to respond.
One thing this has shown me, this EA started about the time I wrote a note to myself. ... I want a close, healthy relationship with somebody! No more separate bedrooms !!!! I hope it's my H, and realize it's not OM, but I need to get to that point before I die, because after re-reading Anna Karenia last summer I empathized much too closely with her feelings of hopelessness, despair and wanting to die. I don't want to go back to that place... But also not going to stay where I am and lose my dignity! So, I am trying to move forward to create a passionate, fulfilling life for myself, and hopefully with H.
Urges were slightly easier last night... GW your posts are SO helpful! FMV, I hope you are doing OK...feeling your bumpy patch:( and sending you a (((Hug))). Sandi, I know it's hsrd to look back, nut you probably see all this most clearly of alll...
I appreciate you all SO much!!! Another day begins, hopefully a successful one.
Dear FMV, thinking of you! Don't be afraid to "dump" here as all the issues that affect your core being affect the M.
Please try the "Bright Mood" blend of Omega... My IC recommended to me, and has helped immensely... They were proven in a Harvard Study to be just as if not more as antidepressants, without the nasty (libido killing) effects. It's the EFA/DHA ratio that matters. I'm also using Gaba for calming, and if course WALKING.
I've had to walk my way out of any depression I've ever had, and geesh... Why has it taken 3 years and EA to get me out there again???
Post whenever you need to FMV... Getting strong (as you know) is key to making your marriage work.
