My 40 year old wife's MLC

[ericmsant2]

Troy,

I really thought I was doing the right thing by going to the party.

Can you acknowledge that a part of you wanted to piss her off?

I would have felt like a doormat if I did not go?

Because YOU feel like a doorman you are a doormat. The reason you feel like a doormat is because you have yet to really and truly let her go and start your journey. When you do, you will look back at this and come to realize that you were using the gift that you have. At some point in the future you will come to see this but not just yet.

If you ever have a chance to read all of my threads you will see that a lot of what you are going thru I have gone thru. FTR, I made many of the same mistakes that you IMO are making. I am still living in the house after almost 15 months and have dealt with many of the same issues. For example:

- I struggle with the detaching part of this
- The hard part is that we do not communicate at all.
- We say good morning, good bye and hello in the afternoon
- If it does not involve the kids we do not talk.

You are correct that it is very hard to detach when children are involved and you are in the same house. Hard DOES NOT = impossible!

How can I detach and still show her empathy and validate her feelings.

Instead of answering, let me ask you a question. How would she need to show YOU empathy and validate YOUR feelings?

If you told her not to do something because YOU felt a certain way and she did it anyway – how would you feel? Take your anger out of your thought process (easier said than done) and then answer.

We are having Thanksgiving at her brothers house out of town this year. I know she does not want me to go. Her family wants me to go.

Her family will want you to go because THEY want to try and save the M. They also probably believe that you being their will make her all sentimental and have her running back to you. What they probably do not realize (or better yet do not want to accept) is that she has gone of the deep end. Because of the lack of acceptance aka validation of how she feels, they are asking you to come.

Should I stay home by myself or slug through the day with her being pissed off at me for being there?

So this is your question….you know what is funny, you answered it below.

I am thinking of telling her that I will sit this one out so she can have the day with her family and get away from the stress of our situation.

This is your answer. Now, how will you communicate this to her? Here would be a suggestion….

Dear W – the love of my life (just kidding do NOT add the love of my life part), your family has asked me to go for Thanksgiving, however, I wanted to make sure that YOU (note you put the emphasis on HER, which is what she wants right now) are comfortable that I go. I would like to spend the time with the kids; however, I understand that you may feel otherwise. IF you would prefer that I not go, then how about I take them on Christmas?

Troy I think the point you want to stress is that YOU are accepting of HOW she feels right now. You also are not a victim by asking to have them on another day. At the same token you are also demonstrating (at least IMO) compassion, understanding, strength and you are showing her what this may look like IF she decides to move forward with a D i.e. the splitting of the kids on a holiday.

I wish I had Eric on my shoulder telling me what to do since I obviously have not been doing this right.

You actually do not need me. What you need to do is really begin to analyze yourself and what parts of You that you want to kill – not to get your wife back but because it is not who YOU want to be.

do everything the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do.

Re-read the DB books – a lot of what you will do is counter intuitive.

God Bless,
Eric