She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[ericmsant2]

My man Crushed,

Sorry for the slow response to your last few posts. I have been spending some time in my head really getting to know and understand if you will, the new me. Oh, and since I have not responded to you in a few days….this is a long post.

First, thank you for your post on my thread. I did detect a little anger in your response but I understand dude – this chit is really not easy. It only get easier when you truly let them go. More on this in a sec.

W seems to be moving further into the rabbit hole.

1) Please tell me that you did not expect her to come out of this anytime soon. Read the resources again Crushed. Ya cannot fix her. I hope you know that.
2) Why are you still so focused on what she is doing? In the rabbit hole, not in the rabbit hole – does it make a difference? NO – NOT if you are really working on you and trying to live your life. Does it hurt to watch? Yep. Do you know when it begins to not hurt as much? When you let GO. More on this a little later.

It's clear she's made no progress over the last 13 months.

Well it has been 14 months for me dude. 14 months, going on 15 months – in the same house none the less. Let me ask you a question…what is progress to YOU? How do you define it? Is it only that you want her back and that if she comes back and/or drops OM on your terms that this would be progress? I can tell you that it will NOT. You she Crushed, your W has to figure this out on HER OWN. Every time you try to fix her or tell her this…

I told her I was disappointed to know that OM was still around.

You are telling her that YOU do not agree with HER ACTIONS and that HER ACTIONS are wrong. Have you ever tried to reason with a teenager. Ever try to have that conversation about safe sex about abstinence? What did you say to your parents when they probably told you not to do this or do that? I bet when you were a teenager you probably said fu*k it, I’,m gonna do it anyway. Do you think your W is all of sudden going to change her mind when the man (that would be you) whom she feels is to blame for all of her misery tells her to stop this nonsense? Com’on on dude, your smarter than that. Know what else….

I said I was concentrating on working on myself.

STOP FUC*ING TELLING HER AND SHOW HER. And FTR, showing her will probably take longer than 14 months. Have you thought about her response, which was…

There's so much for you to work on that there's no time for me", she says.

1) YOU just gave her the bat to hit you with i.e. her response “There's so much for you to work on”. Yep, she is saying that YOU need to do the work on YOU and that a lot has to change. She also said…
2) “that there's no time for me”, which I translate into her saying to you…”it’s all about YOU crushed when you talk to me – what about ME, cause Crushed honey, this is about ME!”

Think about what you want Crushed. I know you want your W back. I know it in my heart and I can feel it. So how do you do it? How do you get this women, who right now you are still pissed at; to fall back in love with you? Answer: YOU LET HER GO. YOU become someone that any woman (or guy and FTR, no I am not gay) would want to be with. You can only do this work, once you stop worry about her reactions, once you stop worrying about WHEN she will snap out of this. Look at you crushed and keep the focus on you. Let her go completely. Let her figure out that YOU were all she needed. Let her figure out that the piece of chit that she is with right now is not even half the man that you are. You see, when SHE figures it out, SHE would have done it on HER OWN and cannot accuse you of forcing, manipulating, guilting her into loving you again. It will be a choice that SHE makes. Probably based on WHO you have become, which she will see by YOUR ACTIONS.

She still refuses to take any responsibility for where the M wound up. It's all about my failures to "connect" with her.

IMO, she is telling you what she needs right now, which is to love her just the way she is. Think about this for a sec….do you think OM is busting her chops because you are in the picture. I bet not. He is letting her be her. Can you do the same? I know you can but you have to put that macho male ego aside. Does it hurt? Like hell dude, like hell. BUT you can do it. One other point regarding her accepting responsibility. Did you ever do something as a teenager and lie about it? Crushed, your wife right now is a teenager trying to relive a period that she missed out on. Can you love her and let her go. Love her enough to wish her well and then go live your life.

I told her that I wasn't comfortable going back to counseling until OM was gone and we could work on the M. Yet she expects me to be reaching out.

IMO, BAD MOVE on YOUR part! Honestly, Crushed your pride and anger is still killing you. Think about this for a sec. you had and opportunity (with a trained professional) to show her the new YOU and also HELP her work through her issues. Put your pride and ego in your pocket for now. I know you’re a man and she does too. Damn, it is hard when our spouses do chit to hurt us, especially when it is f*cking someone else to put aside all of this. The question I think you need to ask is this….Are you putting aside your pride and dealing with it for HER or FOR YOU? Here is my answer….It is no longer for HER Crushed – It is NOW For ME. It is who I CHOOSE TO BE. Honestly, f*ck what my W thinks right now. I know what I want in my life and I know WHO I want to be in my life and guess what….I’m livin it. As for my w – she will need to figure her own chit out and I will let her go and allow her to. Let her go and still love her BUT keep my focus on me.

I met with IC today who said I needed to create consequences for W.

OH….the old…make’m pay approach. Done with a little help from an IC. Crushed, any attempt to try via consequences to MAKE YOUR wife see the light will fail. Let me ask you a question….what made YOU see that YOU needed to change? Was it friends and family?

I have told her in the past of my strategy to evaluate myself, make changes, focus on fatherhood, etc. Yet my IC was genuinely upset when I told her that W said she didn't think it was a good idea for me join her at MIL and FIL with kids for Turkeyday.

So let me get this straight….YOUR Kids should SUFFER the loss of your presence so that YOU can SHOW your WIFE some consequences? Dude, get another IC.

I'll plan to go anyway unless she repeats it.

You should plan on going IF it is WHAT YOU want. Not based on what your IC, I or anyone else says to YOU.

"its ok for her to hang around and get her 'family fix' with you on her terms, but when she realizes you pose a threat because of your relationship with her family, it not OK for you to be with your kids?"

There will come a time when YOU will understand that things that ARE in YOUR control can be done on YOUR terms. What is in YOUR control? Pssst…hint…. Y _ U (insert missing letter)

She won't file because she's a cake-eater. She won't come back because she's re-written our history and doesn't see me for who I am.

Do you know what I see up there ^^^^^? You have changed for HER! Your changes are to GET HER BACK! Is she a cake eater? I guess she is IF YOU ALLOW yourself to be cake eaten. “She won’t come back” – Do you want her back NOW, I mean really – do you? How can she see who you are if you are STUCK waiting for her to SEE IT? Let her GO Crushed….let her go.

I guess I realized today that my W is really not just angry. She's an angry person. And she probably has been since I met her. The reason her memory of the past is so good is because she archives any negative feelings and uses them to fuel her present day fury. She simply won't let things go. Never did.

1) Women have a tendancy to hold on to things. They can be a bit more emotional than men. So some of the things you are complaining about are really quite normal. Go read up on a theory called the “love bank”.
2) She is going to rewrite history. It is quite normal for someone in a crisis. It give her the justification that she needs to do what it is that she is doing. Right? F*ck no – but compassion and understanding can have a way with countering Anger. The question is does Crushed want to be angry or compassionate.
3) She, her, she, her, she, she, she. When you STOP looking at Her and deal with the anger that naturally comes from this – you will see things differently. You claim to be focused on yourself except what I see is that you are still focused on HER. Let her go Crushed.

When you finally let her go Crushed and begin to really look at YOURSELF, you will be able to focus on the answers to these questions….

Perhaps because of my own insecurities

Why insecure? And FTR, HOW LONG DID SHE DEAL WITH YOUR INSECURITY? 14 months?

She hates me because I was 'unemotional'

Did you wear a mask in your M? Is that who YOU want to be going forward?

I'm unsure if that will change with the end of the A, if it ends. But it won't be because I haven't spoken up.

[quote]If someone re-writes history and then won't let it go, where does that leave me?

Let me reword your question above…
If I don’t let go where does that leave me?

If I let go where does that leave me?

Do I have to agree with someone else rewriting history?

Notice that the answers to these questions are for YOU and relate to what YOU want as opposed to HER.

I attended an annual fundraiser this weekend and W elected not to come.

Maybe it was good that she did not go. DB 101 – change how you look at it.

This year the empty chair and un-eaten salad next to me gave away my status.

Is YOUR status totally tied to YOUR W? What IF she snaped out of this tomorrow and for some reason could not attend next year’s event. Would you status be any different?

I guess I was flattered at the attention I got. It was reassuring,

NOTHING like a little external validation to make the woes go away. Many on these boards may say that you should not NEED external validation. I would disagree, I think one does. It is really what YOU do with that external validation that matters.

But I am beginning to second guess DBing. Isn't the definition of insanity 'repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results?'

I GUESS it depends on what your EXPECTATION is regarding your results. For me, I came here to save my M and MAN did I try. Will I be successful? Well for 1 it depends on how I define M. If it is the legal piece of paper then maybe I will not be successful. If it is a working R with my W that somewhere in the future we may reconcile – maybe that is success. What I will say Crushed is that I DB now NOT to save my M. I can’t. I can though save me. I DB now because it is really who I am. So if your only reason is to save your M then maybe you are right to second guess DB.

When I earnestly make changes and W fails to notice - blinded by her A, her anger, why should I expect different results?

You know it is funny, I still wonder and question sometime why my W cannot see the changes but then I realize that I am very different from the person that she was married to for 18 years. So am I wrong to expect that she can see the changes in 14 months? I don’t know – what I do know is that I love the women. I also know that I will always love her. I also know that this time is for BOTH HER AND I. I know what I am doing with my time.
So do you honestly expect that she will see your changes in 14 months? Hey Crushed what if she saw them in 24 months (10 months from now)? What if she saw them tomorrow? Would you any regrets?
Also, she is blinded by HER anger. Does that mean that YOU should be?

I can take comfort in my positive changes, but being detached waiting for her to 'snap out of it' hasn't worked.

Make this really about WHO you want to be and really it will not matter if and when she snaps out of it.

When a hot brunette asks what my relationship status is, I attempt to deflect with 'It's complicated but thank you for asking.' She presses further. After flirty (read 'awkward' banter) she ultimately says women won't move unless insecure. She needs to see me with someone else to realize that she is not in control anymore.

Hey Crushed I will leave you with this….a story…I like stories…

There once was a man who was lost. He relied on everyone to tell him what to do. He received advice from so many people. So much so that he was really confused. That man kept telling everyone he was man, except he knew deep down inside his heart that he still wanted EVERYONE to tell him what to do and that although advice is important, a real man will stand by HIS choices. He realized that he was still a little bit of a follower. He realized that he was afraid to be himself. He realized that what others thought about HIM, mattered more than what HE FELT about himself. That man was really lost. Then his W hit some crisis and started banging her supervisor. He was really hurt. How could she do this to him? Every time he thought about the M he realized deep in his soul that some of her complaints where valid. But others told him it was bull. That she was treating him like crap and that HE did not have to take it. He started to feel and agree with others. In part, because it helped him avoid looking deep within himself. His W told him he was satan himself. He was still really lost. So he kept asking everyone else what to do. He even ask the women that paid attention to him what he should do. Then one day, he decided to spend some time with himself…asking himself some really hard questions. Questions that really only he had the answers to. He came to realize that his W put up with a lot of chit that he did. He came to realize that she waited for him to change and he didn’t. It was a choice he made. He realized that he chose not to focus on the M, not to work on himself – all his choices. Or were they? Was his past driven in part by what other said to him? Was it driven by what others or the masses if you will, thought he should do and live.

After much much thought, pain, and time – he decided to say F everyone and stand for himself. He decided to live his life the best way he could. He decided to give his wife what she gave him for a long time – TIME. He decided this not because of what anyone said to him, not because of how she treated him, not because of what anyone told him. He decided because he finally understood himself. He finally realized that his entire life he was searching for something. HIM.

That realization came when he let his W go. When he said that he would not make a decision so stand not to stand – no the only decision was to LIVE and be the man he wanted to be.
Crushed, your hurt still and you are trying to “make yourself done” – don’t. You are stuck because you continue to look at your wife. Let her go Crushed.

Let her go and take time for Crushed.

File if YOU must. If it truly is what you want to do. If it is not, then what would a man who knows who he is do?

God Bless and sorry for the long post.