Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

I’m having some negative feelings right now. I don’t know if it’s gut feelings or just a wandering mind getting the best of me. Two years ago yesterday, H got arrested for a drunk in public, never came home, and I moved out. One year ago this coming weekend, was H’s weekend to Las Vegas with OW2. As much as you try to let the past be the past, you can’t help but have that be a heavy weight sometimes. So with all this going on around, I’m feeling like my perception could be a little skewed. Things have been going relatively well. H called Saturday afternoon to come over and see S and I and then asked if it would be ok if he came over after work that night as he had to open the next day. It all worked out and it’s been great to have the time with him. He said something tho that has been making me feel really off. He asked me if I was still checking up on him on his phone. I said no. Weird tho b/c why even ask that b/c he’s the one that blocked me in the first place or maybe he was trying to figure out if his blocking actually worked. Why does it matter tho? This has really gotten my mind going. I’ve been trying to learn to trust him again, but bottom line when I’m honest to myself, is that I still don’t trust him one bit (nor has actually really given me a reason too). I’ve gone thru so much with him, put so much into us, and I just don’t even want to imagine going thru that kind of pain again of another OW or same OW. I was thinking about asking him why he asked me that question and confirm that OW3 is history, but even if I did, there’s no guarantee that he would even be honest with me (however, hopefully he is smart enough to realize that if he is caught in any more lies, that will be the end of us!) Another thing that is bugging me is that he was not very responsive last night, which leads me to believe he was out with guy friends last night? I had texted him b/c S got up several times crying last night, which is completely unlike him. I got one short text back and that was it. Not that he is not allowed to not have guy friends, but all they do together is go out and drink too much, while I’m here taking care of our poor S who is crying all night long! Obviously, the going out is speculation, but I’ve learned his response patterns. So obviously, I’m just feeling really negative right now. I need to just not act right now on these possible just emotional feelings.