She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[cat04]

I met with IC today who said I needed to create consequences for W

I really don’t like your IC. What is she really helping you work on?

I've been stuck seemingly forever. There's no movement forward or back.

You are right, you are stuck. You are keeping yourself stuck.

You are continuing to blame your W for everything not changing.

I went back and reread this entire thread. I see a ton of great advice and you coming back over and over with the same excuses for the demise of the M, for your behavior.

You still have anger. It comes through in your posts here and to others. Anger that your W had an affair. Anger that your W has done all of this. Until you learn how to diffuse that anger and remove it from your persona, it will be there, just under the surface, and it will keep you stuck in the victim role.

Others have pointed this out to you before…

You can’t do what you want because she didn’t like it (outdoorsy stuff), you have withheld affection from you W because you had to put the kids to bed, you were angry recently because your W rented a room on the beach…

You “dropped the rope” for a few days or weeks and it had no effect…


It is there, even if you refuse to recognize it…

It was reassuring, though I still felt lonely going home by myself. I like the changes I'm making and this time alone has been useful. But I am beginning to second guess DBing. Isn't the definition of insanity 'repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results?'

And now you question DB techniques…

Of course they aren’t working…

You are using them as a tactic to get your W back, not as a way to change yourself and your life….

MLCer’s…can smell phony temporary change a mile away. They are like pitbulls…in that respect…

They will be angry that you are changing and try to make you show them it isn’t real. Then they will be angry if they are right and they will be angry if they are wrong…

If they are wrong though…they stick around and try to sniff out more…

When I earnestly make changes and W fails to notice….. I can take comfort in my positive changes, but being detached waiting for her to 'snap out of it' hasn't worked.

I think she notices and she sees what I see, that they really aren’t real or long lasting…

Waiting for her to “snap out of it” is the wrong mentality…

If you knew she would never wake up, would that be your excuse to just go on, not learn, not grow, and be the same guy with someone else that you are/were with your W?

Or would the better option be to really improve yourself and be someone better, someone that ANY woman would be proud to be with?

When a hot brunette asks what my relationship status is, I attempt to deflect with 'It's complicated but thank you for asking.' She presses further. After flirty (read 'awkward' banter) she ultimately says women won't move unless insecure. She needs to see me with someone else to realize that she is not in control anymore. Ironically, my IC echoed this today.

This would be a bad move unless you are really ready to move on…

It might get your W back, but it will be the same W she has been, and you will be back here more than likely, in the future…

CNS, you really need to decide what you want…

You can stop making excuses to walk away from this and not do the work, just because you aren’t seeing the desired results yet… and dig in your heels and get to steppin’

Or not…

Move on, file, find someone else, and maybe have the same types of problems you are having now…

The choice is yours and I don’t think you have made it yet…