Like most people if you asked me a short time ago, if I'd be here I would have laughed at them. But here I find myself and it's getting worse before better.
My story. W and I have been together for 17 years, married 12. We have two sons 1, and 4. We currently live about 2000 miles form both our families so our support system is minimal at best. Things started to change around Feb./Mar. I notice that I was very depressed and snapping at my wife. I had fears W was going to leave me and had a gut feeling that she was "up to something." I told W that I felt she was pulling away. She responded to my issues by making time for us including ML. But it wasn't enough. So I did all the stupid stuff - accused her of having an affair, checked her email, phone, used a GPS on her car, etc. This would often lead to fights when I would confront her about a particular email or text and about me not trusting her and me changing. I was also very anxious and irrational. I would often drop the D word on her (just to get her attention) and also said that I was considering suicide. We fought a lot. The whole time my wife stuck by me and said "We will get through this. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere" Finally in August, I got on some medication to help and things looked up. But I was still very suspicious of her checking email, phone, etc. Each time I found nothing. But each time led to a fight about trust, invading her privacy, etc. But couldn't stop. Finally, in early Oct. I saw she txted a co-worker at 6:30 in the morning. I asked her about it and she said she wanted a divorce. We worked our way back from that and I started seeing a therapist. Then in Mid-October, as I was snooping, I did finally find something. Basically, it was email between her and the aforementioned co-worker. The extent was that she was developing feelings for him and he was for her. She wanted to bring it up and put a halt to it and keep things professional. I confront her about it. She got mad then finally told me what it was about. We agreed that she would stop emailing him and talking to him unless it was needed for work. I kept snooping. In early Nov. I found that she was continuing to email him and the emails were getting sexual. Basically, they were telling each other how they were able to keep themselves in line with each other because they could "take care of business" with thoughts of each other. I was pissed. I woke her up and screamed at her. She flipped out and she started sleeping in the other room. It was tense for a while. A couple days later she came to me and said that she agreed that what she did was horrible and said that she didn't want to get divorced but wanted a little space think about things. She also said that she would keep distance from this guy (who is also married) Then last Monday, I found out she lied to me about going to see this guy- she went to pick up a work file. We got into a huge fight and she finally admitted that she had lied to me that day. Then she calmly said that she wanted a divorced. Of course, I did all the wrong things cried, asked why, pleaded, etc. The next night we talk and she said she hadn't made up her mind and just wanted a cooling off period. i.e. me backing off and giving her time to think. I didn't really back off, but I kept asking her if she had made a decision and kept at it. Big mistake. Finally, I forced here to talk on Sunday afternoon, when she didn't want to. At that time she said she made a decision and it was that she wanted a divorce. She wanted to file the next day. I finally got her to agree to another cooling off period, which I took it as she would re-think that position. So last night we talk - she tells me that "our plan" is to proceed with the divorce - the cooling off period is basically meaningless. We also talked of physically separating which she was very open to the idea (as an alternative or preclusion to D). She also said that if we did that she would agree to counseling sessions and seem to think a temp separation (3-6 months) might give here some time to sort things out and get back on track. Of course she said she wouldn't make any promises. So here I sit, I'm broken-hearted, sad all the time, I just want my wife, life and family back, but I know it's not going to be easy if it comes at all. I have no support system here. I'm alone, scared that she is gone for good. We are going to talk tonight about the moving out plan. I think it really hit her what that actually meant, I could see this fear in her eyes. If we do that, I'm going with the plan of little to no contact, but I'm afraid I will just lose her for good. And I haven't been finding too many success stories lately.
The good is that we are still married, and she told me last night that she isn't 100% sure she wants a divorce (I asked her.) She acknowledges that she's in an emotional state right and doesn't know if she can trust her decisions. She says that she still loves me a lot, she loves our family and really wants to stay married. She still talks to me, hugs me, kissed me at times.
The bad is that - She wants to be separated, she's probably 99% sure she still wants the divorce, she rarely goes back on a decision, while she wants to be married she is scared that I will go back to the jealous/suspicious spouse and doesn't think being married is worth that feeling.
I'm just so hopeless and at a loss.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
