Thought i started a post somewhere...not sure if i did it right UGH....after being together 14 yrs my h said he wasnt happy---hasnt been and he slept with several randoms a few yrs back. he said he thought he was missing out on something since we got married young...but realized it wasnt making him happy. now we have 2 kids under the age of 3....he wants us to pretend we are happy for our exteneded family and our kids. we just moved away from our home town this year...now he was relocated to another state 4 mths ago. SO we have been going through a lot (apart for a year during pregnancy to find work...loss of a child...a lot!)...so when he told me he was unhappy...i was like..ok lets fix this. then he signed a lease for us to move to new state and then said WAIT i dont like it here...im asking for a transfer back not sure when but pls stay there and i want us to work this out there. he hates the new state. so i agreed. Now he dropped the bomb about everything else and said he loves me but doesnt think we could ever recover from it...and i said NO....although i am secretly hoping to forgive him and make him realize what he is giving up! he begged me to stay thru holidays so his family will THINK he tried...but i am planning on telling him NO...no more games- i dont owe him anything at this point...i WILL move back to our home town...but i will stay thru thanksgving...just because i need to figure out the details of my NEW life. He was here all weekedn hugging me holding me crying apologizing saying if i stay in town he will come back for thkgvg and we will go out and have fun. he is very confusing...i think he doesnt know what he wants....SO i am cutting him OFF! maybe just for now..then ill say he can see kids for thksgvg but not me...im afraid of it backfiring but i guess i have nothing to lose if he doesnt really want US anyway. any advice?
Aside from a phone call out of the blue Thursday (left no Vmail so no return call either from me), nothing really happened.
I did, however, have a great chat with a friend. Hutch pointed out something quite interesting given my frame of mind.
Her departing with her stuff "commits her" to OM. We here always talk about "being the better option". I believe my W and I are now in the correct positions for change.
I am no longer an option for her as it would now require a complete re-move "in"
My comment suggesting this "will all work out for the best" and not resisting the direction of our R tells her this directly
Her option is now- "OM or not OM"
This, I believe, is the perfect spot for her (and I)
If she can make the decision (not that she will or I'm expecting it. Far from it) to take "single" over "OM" then and only then will she be in a position to look inward and perhaps back.
Otherwise she is merely choosing the best of two possible R's.
The odds of this occurring, however, are remote at best.
To the best of my knowledge (and I've been with her longer than anyone else)-
-She has not been dumped/rejected (other than the psychological damage caused by father abandonment)
-Her last two R's (ours included) ended identically
-Her last two R's (ours included) started identically
(See the pattern?)
-She seems to 'morph' to blend with a new partner. .(I saw her spit through her teeth the other night. 'Classy, auto mechanic's GF')
-Co-dependent is an understatement. I lived it enough to see she is. According to OM's wife, he has more NMMNG issues than I did. She will control this. She will put more effort into this R as it has cost her plenty and she would HAVE to see the cost if THIS fails.
-She is quite 'cognisant' of her approaching 30th B'day
Crisis? Yep. Pure WAW? Yep Could be either or both. Doesn't really matter. She's gone. I'm growing.
What does it mean to me?
Every day the breach gets wider.
Every day I get a little further away.
Every day I get closer to "winning" The Great Race
But it's no longer a competition with her
I'm running for my own satisfaction; set my own time and pace.
I expect I'll cross the finish line somewhere in March. After Valentines Day and D2's B'day. Around my B'day mid-March. 48.
Should be well underway in a new job. I'll know if I can keep the house on my own. Likely have to start the Sep Agreement process on my own and simply present her options to her.
"Blah, blah. Here's the math. You owe $XX,XXX. How would you like to pay and then you're free"
The only thing I won't do is let her go "for a dollar". I will NOT be her "bankruptcy cleaner". She accrued a debt and she is obligated. Accountability. Responsibility.
This is not giving back a class ring or letter jacket.
This was a M; with committments; and a daughter.
I will not fix this for her. There is no repo. No mulligan.
It's becoming more and more ironic.
When the bomb dropped, we talked about this scenario (before I knew of OM)
Her fears were: -D2 would have the same single parent life she had -she would turn into her mom (paycheck to paycheck; renting; no savings; hooked up to a wanna-be but he's at least loyal) -she criticised her mom for declaring bankruptcy for only 18K (about what she owes the M debt) -being stuck in dead-end, unrewarding job she HAS to keep due to financial pressure
And here we are....or at least she is.
"Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes" -'Airplane'
And me?
Looking forward to new job/career change Looking forward to severance check clearing debt.Clean start Looking forward to getting a new vehicle Looking forward to keeping this house Looking forward to being healthier/better habits Looking forward to Q time with D2 (I am so 'wrapped') Looking forward to more time with friends and family Looking forward to more "ME" time Looking forward to this "opportunity of a lifetime"
This is why I haven't been posting. Nothing happening in the sitch really.
I'm feeling pretty good.
Confidence is improving
Detachment increasing
And I knw that if and when the hard days/events/sh#t happens, I KNOW I can handle it.
