Lost, when I read your posts, I feel like I could have written them myself. It is completely crazy that we have to feel this way while they appear to have no problem at all moving on and having nothing to do with us. The whole "dark" thing -- I think my H actually is happy that I am not bugging him and just letting him enjoy his new life with his new girlfriend. I'm pretty certain that if I never spoke to him again it wouldn't bother him in the least! UGGGG!!!! Keep going day by day. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger -- right?? My 16 year old daughter keeps quoting me "What lies behind you and what lies ahead of you pales in comparison to what lies within you." Be strong!!
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
It cannot hurt to try. You never know what is another person's heart. If she is involved in an affair, then the chances that changing yourself will change her mind are not high. But if she is not in an affair, it could be that just by becoming a better person, you will attract her back. The key word there is attract. You won't get her back by begging, crying, or trying to make her feel guilty. She is trying to have a better life. Can she do that with you? Can you show her how life with you can be better than it was? Those are the kind of things that might make a difference.
When he dropped our son off tonight, he barely said anything to me. I told him a funny story about work. He laughed, but then immediately got up to leave. He told me that he would change the light bulb for me on the outside light. I told him that I would do it myself. He said "just let me do it, you don't need to". I get so confused, he wants to still take care of me, but no relationship. I am not sure if I should be competely dark or if I should try to talk to him still.
I told him a funny story about work. He laughed, but then immediately got up to leave.
Well, to me....that looks more like you are trying to hold him down so he won't leave. It probably isn't what you were doing, but from the WAS POV, it does.
The changing the light bulb is purely out of guilt, IMHO. That's why he didn't want you to argue that you'd do it. Again, that just my opinion.
Some day, you may be able to tell funny stories, but right now it may be too awkard .....for him anyway.
I know it must be awfuly difficult to know what to do and where to drawa line, but keep reading and learning from other stories.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi- You are right about both things that you said.I was trying to get him to stay around for a few minutes. I just didn't realize that it would be that obvious. And I do think he is functioning out of guilt. He has said over and over again that he "would do anything for me" but when it comes down to really doing anything for me, beyond changing lightbulbs or emptying the dishwasher he won't do it. So what is the best thing to do? I get so confused between divorce busting and affair busting. I have read stories- it seems like the people who are trying to end an affair completely cut the other person off. Is this the best way to go? Divorce busting seems to focus more on showing your best side, which is why i try to engage him in conversation. Your right I don't know what I am doing. An sometimes I wonder why i am even doing it. He had an affair, he only made a half hearted attempt at reconciliation when he ended it. Then he started lying again and contacting her. To be honest, I don't know how much is still going on except that I know he was emailing her and sent her a card and lied about it. Do I just have no chance as long as he is in contact with her? That is what is seems like anyway.
Lost, I feel for you, my H is the same. Wouldn't help me, or only minor things such as your lightglobe. And I was pregnant!. Fact is, because of OW, he wanted to get away from me fast. I made him feel trapped. OW was overseas, but it didn't matter, she was first on his priority list, not me.
Don't try to get him to stay and engage.
It's humiliation.
He can smell your need.
I am not meaning to sound harsh. I have been there and would still be there is H hadn't moved overseas to be with OW. I can DB anyway, because it's more about ME now. The same should apply to you, even if you have to see your H.
I also understand why you are wondering about OW and what they are up to or if they are still seeing each other. Don't. Don't 'rent' your headspace out to them! YOU deserve better and are worth more.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I truly believe if you were to "mirror" your H's behavior (to a point), it would be more effective. In other words, you would have the attitude or mindset like a WAS. You become the WAW. That is not bad advise...I just don't say it as pretty as some might.
When I say to act like you were the WAS, do you know what I mean? How would you appear if you acted as if you were the WAS? Think about how your H is toward you.
You might not have a clue about what I'm trying to say, b/c one reason your funny story to your H was so obvious to me--is b/c I can see through the eyes of a WAS.
The WAS does not have act badly, rude, obnoxious, selfish, or any other negative behavior, but the one effective trait is to not care. When he sees that you simply do not care if he loves you.....if he's with OW......if he ever changes another light bulb.....if he answers your email......
See what I mean? Indifference! It's hard to fake when you're hurting. But, I think it helps you to detach and start getting some spunky attitude, and out there GAL, and boot the WAH & OW. At first it may be all fake,but sometimes we have to pretend as the first step in achieving.
I'm not trying to get you divorced! I'm telling you what I think draws the WAS back to the LBS. When you can move on with your life and be happy WITHOUT him. That's what it's all about. He sees he's not IMPORTANT to your life any longer. He's lost his Place in your live. You may think this isn't true and he'd never feel that way, but I challenge you to try it from now through the new year and then make an assesment of things. That's not long, just about six weeks. A hard six weeks(being holidays)but I think it might even be more impressive.
But here's the thing, you have to be determined b/c it won't work if you're just trying to prove the theory doesn't work, or if you do it b/c Sandi blieves it,or if you can't give it your all. There's no doubt about it....it will be very difficult, but what is six weeks compared to the rest of your life?
Unless you think what you're doing now is working.....
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wrote this to a LBH, but you can switch places and apply the same tatic.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?
How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.
Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?
As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a ____ what she does any longer. You aren't a jerk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I know one thing i am doing now that is absolutely not working and that is not committing to anything. I am all over the board- I will try detaching for two days, then I will try to engage him for a few days, then I will try guilting him into working on it and then find myself back to detaching. Not being consistant with anything has to be a turn-off and makes what I doing more obvious. So you are right, a plan is what I need and the one that you suggested is probably the one that is healthiest for me.
