What I can do is ask that we make rules together that will apply to both of us about when and how much contact D3 has with "other people." I think by saying this should apply to both of us he will agree. He is not going to like the idea of having no control over who his baby is arround any more than I do.
This ^^^ sounds very reasonable. My question is still WHY? And do you have an expectation of him actually following through if he agrees? If he does not follow the agreement, then what?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
My goal is to point out to my H that D3 is being effected by his behavior in front of her. He tends to think that this stuff just goes over her head, but she picks up way more than he realizes. Like wanting to us to take D3 to the park while he tells me he will be filing for divorce. He tends to have a "she will adjust to whatever happens" attitude.
Ideally I would like us to write guidelines for ourselves with the intent that they be included in any divorce agreement.
At a minimum I want to know when my D is arround OW or any other non-family or friend. I feel that is reasonable. He should want the same thing too.
Even if he eventually backs down from the divorce, I think he and I need to spend time on this now.
Mainly I believe H wants what is best for his D, and that really is important to him. He just isn't thinking past himself.
He also seems to be reaching out to me for parenting advice. I keep it minimal and tell him he will figure out what works for him, but this really requires an agreement between us.
He is also afraid of loosing contact with her. Coming up, H is about to be opening the restaurant. That means working almost 7 days a week and closing up at 3am. This is going to last through the holidays, probably much longer. I have never tried to keep D3 from him, but I have left him to figure out pick up & drop off on his own. He is bassically asking me to do a lot to help him get time with D3. I am not doing backflips, but I am going to help. D3 does need to see him.
My goal is to point out to my H that D3 is being effected by his behavior in front of her. He tends to think that this stuff just goes over her head, but she picks up way more than he realizes. Like wanting to us to take D3 to the park while he tells me he will be filing for divorce. He tends to have a "she will adjust to whatever happens" attitude.
This could be me ... seriously. Do you really think he doesn't know this? And if he truly doesn't, do you think he's going to hear any of it from you? I'm not busting on ya, really I'm not. You have expectations ... many of them, and while they are reasonable to most of us ... well, lets just say expectations in these cases at best usually lead to disappointment.
Originally Posted By: hope for zen
Ideally I would like us to write guidelines for ourselves with the intent that they be included in any divorce agreement.
You can write them till the cows come home, until they are apart of a signed agreement he can change his mind a million times. Are you legally separated, or are you working on a legal document for the separation/divorce? If so, you are not going to want to agree to anything in writing without your lawyer giving it a once over.
Originally Posted By: hope for zen
At a minimum I want to know when my D is arround OW or any other non-family or friend. I feel that is reasonable. He should want the same thing too.
Is he a good father? Do you trust him to take care of her? Do you really expect that he will honor this? Why do you feel entitled to this info?
Zen, I'm not giving you a hard time, just throwing some stuff at you that I've been considering through this process ... not sure if you're up on my sitch or not, but I've been dealing with exact issue since August. And it's frustrating as hell.
Let's keep diggin' ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Mainly I believe H wants what is best for his D, and that really is important to him. He just isn't thinking past himself.
My H too. He would never do anything he thought was detrimental or harmful towards his kids. But since he's wearing love goggles his decision making is influenced, and anything I say is tainted, so here we are.
Just FTR, my H and I had an agreement, we had a very frank discussion, and then while I was out of town he broke it (late August - you can read about it in my sitch). We sat down with a MC to mediate a conversation just Friday past, and again, he can't hear anything. They can justify and rationalize anything. It was frustrating, pointless and a waste of time.
Originally Posted By: hope for zen
He also seems to be reaching out to me for parenting advice. I keep it minimal and tell him he will figure out what works for him, but this really requires an agreement between us.
He is also afraid of loosing contact with her. Coming up, H is about to be opening the restaurant. That means working almost 7 days a week and closing up at 3am. This is going to last through the holidays, probably much longer. I have never tried to keep D3 from him, but I have left him to figure out pick up & drop off on his own. He is bassically asking me to do a lot to help him get time with D3. I am not doing backflips, but I am going to help. D3 does need to see him.
Great advice I got from a poster named Grace (ok, I'm paraphrasing) ... your husband's relationship with your D3 is his relationship ... it's not your place to get involved, either to attempt to improve or worsen it. He needs to do it, and then it is what it is.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
