The camping is in line for our family. D3's first camping trip was at 3 months. We have always done a lot of camping together & D3 loves it. She was asking both of us all summer to go and we both told her we would take her. I took her once on my own about a month ago. She loved it, but it was a bit much for me emotionally. I hadn't gone camping without my H in 14 years.
As far as what difference this really makes, I'm not sure. Like you said, he plans to file anyway. In my state I can write a 'morality clase' into my divorce, but we have to agree to it. I think I have a good chance of him agreeing to that, but mostly because he won't want me bringing anyone over. This particular OW is sticky because she was arround D# before H left. When to introduce her to someone she already knows, eh?
I did like this lawyer. She gave me a lot of resources to look at. Also, since my D3 is in a state program, H will not be able to get a divorce without paying child support. If he agrees to more, great, but there will be a minimum set by the state. I get to save my energy for other fights. There will be plenty too. H doesn't understand the reality of what he is doing to us. He is still lost in his fantasy.
Does it help to say that most of us have been exactly where you are right now? Does it help to say that 3 different times I have told my girls that we are getting a divorce? but then we change our mind?
Probably not.
I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him that you noticed the pads were gone, and say that you didn't realize someone else was going on the trip. See what he says. I don't tell you this because it will do you any good to know there is officially another woman, but this would be your opportunity to state your boundry that she is not to come near your child. I did. He totally understood. My girls are 12 and 10 though and would KILL thier dad if he brought her around them. Your baby is too little, but she doesn't need to see her dad with another woman which would in the least confuse her. You don't have control over him, but you can set boundries with your child. At least I did. I was very calm, not angry at all. Just put it that we had to be very careful with the kids and make sure we did this right. My H has been in total agreement. Some LBS are not so lucky.
I would suggest that you reach out to PEI - she is a vet and she is dealing with her H introducing her young children to the OW - BUT they have discussed this together. Sounds like your H is doing it behind your back.
Try to relax and remember that he is crazy as a loon right now. THIS MAN IS THE ONE YOU DON'T KNOW - NOT YOUR SANE LOVING H OF 14 YEARS. Set your boundry and try not to do something you might regret later.
Wish I could be there to give you a big (((hug))). Hang in there.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Thanks. I think I need to say something, and I liked how you put it. Id on't really need to know if there was someone there. I will think about it. I will post what I plan to say when I get home, see what ya'll have to say. Not sure if I will be ready tonight, but it needs to be soon.
Thanks for the hugs too, btw. Much appreciated. : )
So here is a first draft of what I am thinking of saying to my H. I am feeling better, but still not back on my feet all the way yet. Feedback is appreciated.
I noticed you took all 3 of the sleeping pads on the camping trip. I didn't realize anyone else was going.
(pause for answer...)
If H says: Yes, OW was there. Then… I know we haven’t talked about when and how much contact D3 should have with anyone you or I are interested in or dating. I think we should get together and discuss this sometime soon. I believe we will be able to work out something we can agree to that keeps D3’s insulated from our own personal lives.
D3 is smart, but she is still so young and has so a lot to sort out already for such a little girl. It could be confusing for little kids to have to figure out their parent’s new relationships too.
If H denies anyone was there or has some other story. Then… I am glad to hear that. D3 is smart, but she is still so young and has so a lot to sort out already for such a little girl. It could be confusing for little kids to have to figure out their parent’s new relationships too.
I know we haven’t talked about when and how much contact D3 should have with anyone you or I are interested in or dating. I think we should get together and discuss this before it becomes an issue. I believe we will be able to work out something we can agree to that keeps D3’s insulated from our own personal lives as both of us move on.
His answer is really irrelevant. I just need to tell him I disapprove and set a time to get together and talk about our D3. I do want to talk with my IC first. He is supposed to be setting an appointment with my H this week. I don’t want to mess that up, but I do want to talk to my H soon.
I noticed you took all 3 of the sleeping pads on the camping trip. I didn't realize anyone else was going.
(pause for answer...)
Quote:
I know we haven’t talked about when and how much contact D3 should have with anyone you or I are interested in or dating. I think we should get together and discuss this before it becomes an issue.
IF you're going to do this, then that right there is pretty much all that needs to be said.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks Jack. I think you are right and the less said up front the better. Just got off the phone with my IC & he said something similar.
I am deciding when to tell him this. I have decided not to do it tonight. I will make my goodnight call to my daughter in about an hour. I don't want that to become when her daddy and I start difficult conversations. That call is only for my daughter.
I'm considering having the short talk with him tomorrow morning after he drops D3 off at daycare. I don't see the point in confronting him. I think he really has always intended to go through with the divorce, even before he gave me the speach. It is more about laying the groundwork for the future. When we meet to talk about this I plan to focus on setting our rules, not just rules for him.
Not sure where this puts my DBing. My main focus right now is on easing this process for my D3 & taking care of myself.
I got your post on my thread earlier and have been catching up ... first of all, let me say I'm sorry for what you are going through right now, and trust me when I say I totally get it. Unfortunately, most of us do. I'm not a vet ... been kicking around here for a bit but there are many with much more time under their belts than I. That being said, I will offer my two cents (ask Jack, I've never been shy with words )...
This sucks. Period. I have a couple of questions ...
You stated earlier in your threads that you know OW, is she a physical threat to your child?
If he confirms OW and/or her participation in the camping trip, what boundary do you intend to set?
How do you intend to enforce ^^^ that boundary if he crosses the line?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Unless the OW has changed, I do know who it is. She is not a threat. I hate her, but no, she is not a physical threat to my child.
I want is that OW to have no contact with my child. Unfortunately I can't enforce that. In reallity I can't enforce anything. Not unless I want a custody battle. I might win, I might not. It won't be good for my D3 though. She needs contact with both parents, even if one of them is half crazy.
What I can do is ask that we make rules together that will apply to both of us about when and how much contact D3 has with "other people." I think by saying this should apply to both of us he will agree. He is not going to like the idea of having no control over who his baby is arround any more than I do.
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