Two things: I just got back from an emotional IC session AND Mr. A called/texted.
About IC: I told him that I had spoken to Mr. A on Saturday and Sunday. Both the content and my emotional responses were a lot different between the two days. On Saturday, Mr. A opened up to me and I felt close to him. (Of course he was saying things that I wanted to hear!)
On Sunday, Mr. A and I both closed down a lot emotionally and had a much more superficial conversation. He's a fun person to talk to (for the most part), but that convo left me feeling empty.
IC and I reviewed the many different "approaches" I've taken with Mr. A over the past year and a half. Some have made me feel good and some have made me feel crappy. The sad part is that I sometimes/often feel good at the time and crappy after the fact (e.g., having booty calls with him while he was D'ing me!).
Bottom line: During our last go-around, I "acted as if" I was ok with just going with the flow and not having any R talk. Really, I wasn't ok with that. I wanted to connect more with Mr. A but I didn't push it. Eventually things blew up anyway, and without the benefit of any real new insight into what had gone wrong.
Yesterday's conversation was a hint of that again, with us just making small talk. If I'm going to throw my hat in the ring once again, I want to talk about feelings, our relationship, the past, the future, expectation, hopes and dreams, all that stuff! I don't want to keep playing it cool!
Soooooo... IC suggested that I be more direct with Mr. A. I said that I don't know how. Intellectually, I can understand what I should do, but the words just don't come to me when I'm talking to Mr. A. IC said for me to "sit with" what we discussed for awhile and we would talk more next week.
Now I realize that this advice has been given to me on this very board more than once. Sorry if I seem thick-headed. I hear all of it, it's just very hard for me to put into practice. But I am trying my best.
In the meantime, I thank all of you for reading and posting.
