Haven't Yet Found My Way

[Mystik]

Had lots of thoughts swarming in my head today. A lot of them about H and Whore and It. My thoughts are a bit disjointed and in random order, I don't blame if you can't follow along.

It will be born any day now, and while I feel ok now, when it becomes reality who knows how I'll respond. I do know that when H calls to tell DS I will not be in the room and I will tell DS ahead of time that he can share his excitement with Daddy but I can't hear about it.

It sucks to know that your love life and sex life are over with at age 32. I love my H more than anything. But I don't know that I could ever forgive him for his affair and It. And I don't think I could ever betray him the way he has betrayed me by being with another person and having a child with them. I cringe at the thought. Since shortly after I met H my dreams of husband and family featured him.

Is it bad that I think of It as the Bastard Child to myself? I know logically that it's an innocent child, can't help his mother is a husband stealing conniving whore, but I still detest It, a physical reminder of what my husband has done to me. Is it horrible that I still wish It would go away? I am so emotionless right now that I don't even feel guilt for wishing horrible things to It and Whore. I just want It to be gone so when H comes home it's not a skeleton out of the closet, if that makes sense.

And along the lines of being emotionless, when I think about H coming home I feel nothing. No excitement, no fear, no anticipation. Nothing. It's like right now if he comes home I could care less, and if he doesn't come home again, I could care less. Just no emotion right now. Not even on Sunday when DS came home. It was just "OK, DS is home. Yay."