Sol - your H is an emotional abuser. You must follow a much different path and use a much different set of tools when you are dealing with an emotional abuser (see bobbijo and go read my threads again from the start). Also see Mystik's threads.
When you have been emotionally abused (and you have been in a very real way) and it continues it is a much different set of circumstances than the "norm" of a "bad" WAS and until you find a way to deal with the abuse no DB principle will work. At all.
Being abused is a very, very real thing and it takes a very real understanding to plow through. And that level of understanding is a long road and best traveled with somebody skillful in emotional abuse. Having been on the receiving end of emotional abuse I can tell you that as a fact. Your H dose not miss you nor does he want you to be his W... he wants to know he still has the upper hand and will torture you to get his point across. This isn't the first time he has done this and it won't be the last.
It has nothing to do with what you want or what your H wants. You can "change" and be the stable one with every ounce of your being but that won't do a thing when it comes to an emotional abuser. There is not a tactic in the world that works when it comes to an emotional abuser. It does not happen until the abuser realizes they are abusive and that day may never come.
Being up against an emotional abuser is not something I would wish on anybody. And finally accepting the fact that you are married to an emotional abuser is NOT an easy thing to do.
This is a very, very serious issue though and it really should be treated as such. You don't have to listen to me or anybody else on this forum but it may be worth some consideration. All the 180's and GAL's are fine but healing from abuse requires more.
Healing from emotional abuse is not easy. There are a few people on this forum who are in straight up emotionally abusive situations and I do think you are one of them.
I'm not going to say anything more about it because it is much easier to hear other things because the reality is pretty damn scary. I hope it all works out for you but please know that you are not the problem here and until your H realizes he has a problem NOTHING will work on him.
I would gently suggest you do some reading on emotional abuse and attempt to really understand the basic concepts. Once you do (it's not easy, trust me) you will see why "normal" concepts don't work on emotional abusers. And you will see why you react the way you do as one who has been abused.
It is scary as hell but once you do sort of see the patterns you will, on an intellectual level, understand things much better and why so much of this is moot until the root problem is uncovered.
It's really sad and not a term I would toss around lightly but in some cases it's crystal clear. And it hurts no less than a fist in your face.
But this is not up for debate. At least on my end. There are too many very, very serious issues that happen on this forum that don't get the attention they deserve... instead the basics are just restated. And some of this is WAY beyond the basics.
This is no game. It's not about reconciling or your new friend. All of that is secondary. The primary is you exposing yourself to further harm from your H.
