What's da haps, man?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, the reason I keep asking you what *you* want is two fold:

1. It's important to know what you want before you can take appropriate actions. You can't be on a journey without a destination or you'll never get there.

2. Every day things change, circumstances change, minds change and hearts change. It's good to self-evaluate and see if you still desire what you did 6 months ago or even 6 weeks ago.

Now getting what you want is entirely a different topic, sure on the surface it's hopeless when it requires two people to want the M to work yet only one wants it to work but the other doesn't. However, it's the core priciple of DB i.e. one person making the needed changes to increase your chances of saving a M. The success rate is not important- we do it because we believe in it. I think RockerHerWorld is a great recent example, she gave it her best and finally got to a place where she knew she'd truly given it all she had but it didn't work. Guess what? now her H wants to reconcile and she doesn't. Even if her H didn't want to reconcile she got to the place where she was at peace with her efforts and the outcome.

When I see your H getting emotional I see a window of opportunity to have a limited discussion in a manner that would allow you to get closer to your goal. Especially in his moment of weakness you have to be the calm, cool and in-control and say the things that will have the most impact. If nothing comes of it, you lost nothing. Based on your last two text exchanges I think your H has this notion that even after M you'll be his friend or friend with benefits even. Why does he want that? It's because he feels comfortable with/around you, you've been his best friend and he no longer has that. So you need to break it down for him and snap him back to reality "H, there is no us after the D. I will likely be moving out of state after the D". And because he thinks he will have access to you even after the D this is also why it upset him about HG.

As for what's wrong with you for loving him so much when he doesn't? There's noting wrong with you...it's simple human nature to want what you don't/can't have and not appreciate what you do have. That's part of it. A lot of what we miss is not so much the person but the feeling they gave us, we trusted them with our deepest thoughts and we don't have that anymore. So those feelings of love are missing right now. Every child is born with a need for love. We're not solitary creatures, most of us have love in various forms (parents, siblings, friends) but we desire the companionship that we don't get from the other types of relationships. It's more than just a physical want. You miss H because he fulfilled that for you. However, you will again in the future. In the meantime you'll learn to acknowledge these feelings and thoughts and move on.

As for HG, again goes back to what you want and if any progress with HG gets you closer to your end goal or not. I think until you can truly get up one day and with 90% certainty say to yourself 'I don't want H anymore even if he comes crying' I think it's best to not rush things with HG. It sure will complicate things a lot. Let me give you a far fetched example. Say you and HG move on to the next phase and your H says he wants to reconcile...that wouldn't be a good thing! Here you are getting what you've been wanting all along yet your H doesn't know where you are with HG. Again, if that is what you want. If you don't want H then who cares? As far as how to handle it? enjoy building a friendly R with him, keep things in a public setting, don't talk relationships with him etc. Tell him you can't go any further until the D is final. Come on, I thought you girls are a natural at keeping us guys at an arm's length If you can't then it's ok to recognize it and put it on hold until you're ready. See HG is a double edged sword, he can help you detach from H when you redirect your emotional energy from H to HG but if you still deeply desire H then it could turn out badly.