We have company this weekend. A friend of ours has been undergoing medical treatment for over a year now and stays with us rather than getting a hotel. She wanted to stay elsewhere as she knows our situation but I'm actually thankful to have someone else in the house other than just me and my husband.
It's been a weird weekend. We've had dinners together and played video games and even went to a restaurant together. Just like old times. But when things get 'too comfortable' or he starts to laugh at one of my jokes or remarks he just shuts up quickly. It's like he won't let himself be happy around me. I think he's blamed me for so long that it scares him.
I'm trying to just brush everything off and not let him see that it hurts me, I just smile and I'm trying to be charming and things that normally would bother me I'm ignoring. My therapist is helping loads. I know i need to focus on myself and my health and I'm just wondering how long I can take this or how long I'm going to last before I can't do it anymore. I hate living in the same house with a man I love who acts like he despises me. I did nothing wrong. I know this now, I took all the blame for our separation and kept thinking that I must have been able to prevent this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent, nor have I been a peach to live with , but we've had a very hard year or so financially, the new business, his new life, my depression.
I had to break the news to my mom yesterday only because she's trying to arrange plans for the holiday. That was not fun. She immediately jumped on the defensive and started with her man hater crap (she's been married twice). I told her that I was not bashing my husband, that I still love him and I have hope and she needs to respect that and I do not want any animosity or aggression directed towards him because 'if' he is going through some sort of crisis then I am giving him space and 'if' we reconcile I don't want her being awkward or hating him. The last thing I want to do is push him further away. In the meantime, I'm just trying to work on my 180.. this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know I'm not alone, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.
and yes.. thanks for the wonderful list Sandi, it'll definitely come in handy
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
