What I KNOW after being HERE for 3 years.......

[handlingplanb]

I feel like a failure because my marriage has failed. Was I the one that walked away? Was I the one that turned to someone else? No. Do I think I played a role in whatever led up to that happening? Absolutely. Does it matter that I've worked on my issues and even before doing that would have done ANYTHING to prevent THIS from happening? NO.


I am not raising a family by myself. My H is very much in the picture with the kids. They live almost half time with him. He has always been a good father, despite his flakiness and MLC-like behaviour at times. He remains in their lives, and that makes it feel like more of a clear rejection of me. I didn't "out" his affair to all. I don't even know if most of the world sees what those that are close to him see, or saw. He appears to be on "top of the world." Maybe add some resentment over this to my sense of failure......what a loser.....

I don't think I fear failure, because I feel like I have failed--no reason to be afraid of what I feel has happened.

Do I fear success without him? I don't think so. I can successfully hold it all together and function without him. I am now. I know that I don't NEED him, and that doesn't scare me.

I'm scared of the finality of divorce. I'm afraid of it being over - although our M has been dead for some time now. I always felt like my H was a part of me, I still feel like he is a part of me, and losing him is a huge loss. In the beginning of this I thought the loss would be temporary.

I don't think I "appear" to be a failure. It's the within that I need to work on.