Hi, I am writing what I hope will be a sort of encouragement . . You are 3 years post bomb? I am 5+ and so many of the things that you list, including about time bringing distance and easing the pain, but not erasing it, feeling like a failure, none of it making sense, grieving for what you and your children have lost, I still felt so very vividly at that 3 year mark, and was baffled that I felt so strongly after three years.
The pain fades until it is bearable, (you know when you have hurt your finger, or have a bad mouth ulcer - it is THERE all the time, and then one day it just doesn't hurt as much) your children continue with their lives, and (in the case of my kids) have an emotional maturity that so many of their peers do not have. They learn that life can be horrible, but they have the strength ot go on.
I had a long, and I believe, very happy marriage. I am not saying that everything is fine now, without my husband, but it is bearable. I feel happiness again, often, and have a zest for life again. I understand in part, but there are things I do not understand, and probably never will. I can live with that now.
Detachment and acceptance do come eventually, but as a by-product of a happier frame of mind, I think. Yes, I still have bad days, but I do not think about by husband as often as I used to do. I still love him, have no desire for another relationship, but I have rebuilt my life.
A very old and good friend recently said to me that she envied my lovely life. I was very startled because it is still hard work at times, but that throwaway remark moved me on again. I have made it. I can love my husband from afar, and in my heart, as if I were a widow. He has died to me, and to my children effectively, and that is very sad, but now I can access the good times.
It is a long haul, much longer than most people think, but all grieving takes a long time, if it is something that was very dear to us.
