Glad that I'm not the only one with this issue.....wondering is it's some kind of a common trait of us "Standers"...and if it is what does it mean?
Mila,
You might be interested in reading up on the "Drama Triangle," or "3 Faces of the Victim," material available on the net. Essentially, a person brought up in a dysfunctional environment is a victim of that upbringing until he manages to get off the triangle. One face is the Victim (who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself), one is the Helper (who negates his own needs in order to gain self worth by helping others) and the third is the Aggressor (who lashes out in anger). A person on the triangle constantly switches between these positions.
I know that as long as my H was in MLC, he cycled between being the Victim ("why did this have to happen to ME?"--when he was having the EA!!), the Helper (he saw himself as the OW's knight in shining armour, and sometimes wanted to help me deal with my emotions) and the spewing Aggressor (who was quite justified in all his spew because he'd been perfectly happy UNTIL....) A person can only get off the Drama Triangle (and yes, this triangle is the reason why all affairs are filled with drama) at the Aggressor position.
Interestingly, though, the reason we married this dysfunctional person is that we ourselves had unaddressed dysfunctions in our FOO. Most people who were victimized in some way during their childhoods, whether because of neglect, loss, abuse, having to caretake, etc, choose to be Helpers/Fixers. However, this "fixing" tends not to be done for entirely healthy reasons, but partly to seem strong/loveable/"the bigger person" and put the person being helped into our debt.
Again, it is only through becoming appropriately fed up with how we've allowed ourselves to be treated, and refusing to see ourselves as victims any more (and recognizing how we are replicating childhood patterns in our marriages) that we are able to remove ourselves from the Triangle. (This doesn't mean people should stop Standing, but that they should not do so from a position of weakness.)
Anyhow, since you were musing on the subject of fixers, etc, I thought you might be interested in this material, which I found extremely interesting and helpful.
You're sounding really good, Mila--keep up the detaching and the living for yourself!
