How.......good question. I try every day to take a step forward. I am currently reading two books to help me understand myself and how to recover from this. I am still looking for answers.

I try to focus on what I want --- without my H. I try to focus on being a family of 4 instead of 5. I'm surviving. I am handling it all. I "get it all done." I can see a future without him in it. I couldn't do this 3 years ago. I don't have another choice. My H is done. My marriage is dead. These things I know.

I keep getting sucked back in to how wrong this feels. I feel like a failure.

Feeling like a failure keeps me stuck. My memories keep me stuck. The physical memories - the reminders of everything in my house, everything I own that is tied to H and our M keep me stuck. I can't stop loving my H - the person I've loved for 30 years, despite all of THIS - and that keeps me stuck.

I can go on with my life. I can move forward on my own, but as a failure at all that I believed to be important in life. All that I knew. A failure to my H. A failure to my children, denying them the family they deserved.

I'm not the one that gave up on my M. But I'm the one that feels like the failure.

What keeps me stuck? Why is this so much easier for others? Why can't I just file for D like my H wants and be done? I wish I knew.

"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber