Look for the triggers. When I'm sad, scared, feeling insecure, isolating, have a bad interaction with him, a really tough time with the kids it's most likely to kick in. But that is ME doing it.. not him. It's ME going back to an old (unhealthy) comfort zone.. being a victim. But placing blame and feeling helpless get me no where.. except feeling like crap.
What the former spouses do is none of our business. Their relationships with the interlopers have nothing to do with us.
It's our job to be a nurturing supportive parent providing a safe secure home for our children.
It's our choice to learn how to process this heartbreak. As a friend always asked me.. If I broke a bone, would I try to fix it myself or go to someone who knows how to do it?
Never demean the former spouse in front of the children.
Don't turn place the burden of emotional support on the children. They're going through horrific pain and would still fall on a sword to take care of their parent.
[...]
Make choices to be positive.. little steps. Like creating a new thread with a title that isn't about HIM. Have it reflect something about YOU.
And I like what you wrote about codependence/being controlling. I am realizing too that a lot of ways that I show "love" are controlling. I can see it very clearly in my new relationship where it's more obvious how inappropriate some of my impulses are.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
