H and I got married right out of college. We had some problems 5 years ago. After 9 months of counseling we seemed to be in a good place. About 6 months ago H started telling me he was unhappy. I thought it was job-related - he's been actively looking for a new one. He became less interested in doing things with me or the kids, pleading tiredness from work. Our interactions were getting less pleasant - both of us were frustrated and were overly critical of the other.
Oct 9 he announced he wanted a divorce and was moving out. Although he still loves me, he doesn't see any hope that our M would get better. He refused to go to counseling again or entertain the idea of a trial separation. He wants to come to a mutal agreement on our assets and see a lawyer together to file for divorce. I've seen a lawyer to find out my rights; he hasn't. I've seen no signs at all that he's having an affair, and this is a really small town - it would be almost impossible to hide.
After 10 days of alternately pursuing and packing up his stuff, I decided to work on me. I'm keeping busy and attempting to enjoy myself. I've mostly stopped pursuing, and I've made efforts to keep the kitchen clutter-free (a giant pet peeve of his that I finally understand). I made a list for myself of mistakes I made in our relationship and mailed him a copy two weeks ago, asking if we could take a few weeks to refocus and then start dating.
He didn't mention the letter for a week. Then, on Halloween we spent 4 hours at a family event and chatted like the best friends I thought we were. On the way home, he said he appreciated that I wasn't blaming everything on him, but he wanted to move forward with the divorce (although we could meet for lunch every week or so to discuss the kids). That night he came over 45 minutes early?!? to get kids ready for trick-or-treating and stayed until kids went to bed. Then in the space of 30 minutes he went from "Let's not file yet and wait and see what happens" to "I don't think we can break our negative patterns" to "Let's move forward with divorce; I only said we wouldn't so I wouldn't hurt you more."
Saw each other 4 days in a row after that, including a 5-hour stretch on Tue when we took S1 to doctor, and again chatted like best friends. Thur he came over to get some of his stuff and mentioned that I'd taken down the wedding pictures. He asked me not to throw them away as "no matter what happens, that was a really special time."
I've asked a few times for him to give me the passwords to the online household bill accounts so that I can change them to my new bank account. He keeps telling me that he'll take care of the bills out of the joint account and I shouldn't worry. His love language is acts of service, so I wasn't sure if he was trying to take care of me because he cared, or because he felt guilty, or.... He's also tried to do other things for me (offered to put together a toolbox for me when I said I'd go buy tools, then investigated receivers for the tv after I told him the one we had was too complicated for me).
I've noticed that he mirrors my moods. When I'm cheerful and actively engage him, he stays longer and chats more freely. If I'm more subdued (but still nice and polite) and don't make follow-up comments to what he says, then he leaves in a hurry. One the few occasions when we talk on the phone, there's often a long pause and then I'm always the one who says goodbye.
This week I've only seen him twice; both times I was subdued (once, really tired after an early-morning flight, and once upset because dog was going to visit him for first time) and he left quickly. Yesterday he emailed me a list of the bills he had paid this month and an initial attempt at dividing the assets. (This is one week after the "no matter what happens", which I thought meant he was unsure about what was going to happen; no "engaged" interactions since then.) I emailed back that I preferred to discuss the assets in person. He'll be working the night shift for the first time next week, so that will be hard to do.
I had been beginning to think that he was having second thoughts; with the email on the assets that's been blown away. Does he think we'll continue to be best friends after divorce? Is he just falling into the "good" pattern of interaction?
Do I keep engaging him in conversation to let him see that we do have good interactions, or do I back off and let him see what life will be like if we divorce?
I really don't think our problems will be that hard to overcome, especially now that we both understand what they are. It kills me that he's willing to walk away from all the good we have had without making that last effort - he told me I had my chance and didn't recognize it.
_________________________ Me 32, H 32 T - 13 M - 10 H moved out 10/9/2010 D4, S1
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I imagine his conversations put you on a rollercoaster. But you are very good at solution detecting:
I've noticed that he mirrors my moods. When I'm cheerful and actively engage him, he stays longer and chats more freely. If I'm more subdued (but still nice and polite) and don't make follow-up comments to what he says, then he leaves in a hurry. One the few occasions when we talk on the phone, there's often a long pause and then I'm always the one who says goodbye.
So you can see that you have a great effect on the situation. This is what DBing is all about. You CAN turn this around.
One thing I'd like you to try....be a little less available for a conversation in the next few days, without giving a reason. Let him wonder. See if he gets curious.
We are here to help you use the tools in Divorce Remedy and Michele's other works (eg, Keeping Love Alive). Have you read Divorce Remedy?
I've read Divorce Remedy twice. I'm trying to do 180s - keeping the kitchen clean, I've started fixing up the flower beds (that drove him nuts but now half of them look pretty, which makes me happy ), no complaining, no raising my voice when I'm angry/frustrated at the kids (or him), and regaining my silly side. I've also been working on GAL, and I've been really busy on weekends. He knows about some of the activities I've done and has asked questions beforehand but not afterwards. For the first few weeks after I read the book I also acted "as if" he was happy to see me, which was why I was trying to be cheerful and engaging.
I texted him Fri afternoon to see if he was available for a quick chat, and I got a more verbose response than I was expecting - "Not at work right now. Went to visit some friends. We'll talk later." Saturday I texted to say D4 wanted to talk to him, but I did not want to wake him up if he was transitioning to night shift and could he please call her. I let her answer the phone. I heard her say goodbye to him, and then it took her 20-30 seconds to find me to hang up the phone. He was still on the line! I asked if he needed anything, and when he said no I said goodbye. He called "wait" and then explained his sleep schedule for the next week. He had a really cheerful tone. I repeated what we had discussed via email earlier in the week, that he could call if he was able to spend time with the kids one night. Again he paused, and I hung up. He did not bring up the asset email, and that's three times we've talked since he sent it.
I was a lot less available for conversation last week and I got an email asking me to divide up the assets.... (although looking back I realize that the last time he asked me to divide up the assets was three weeks ago, right after he paid bills, and I had asked him last Sunday to let me know when he had paid the bills.) Last Sunday he sounded really happy to see me when he dropped off the kids, and then when I gave just a lukewarm hello the tension levels rose and he seemed to be in a bad mood. Last week was the least we had talked/seen each other since he moved out.
One of the mistakes I made (which I've acknowledged to him), was that I didn't ask questions of him when I should have because I either assumed I knew the answer or was afraid of what the answer might be. There are questions I'd love to ask him now - "What is your timeline for filing for divorce? For moving the rest of your stuff out of the house? How do you see us interacting as a divorced couple? What the heck did you mean by 'no matter what happens'?" but I'm not sure if I should.
I also packed up the framed wedding pictures, the wedding album, and our cake topper (which he deliberately left here when he took the china cabinet) for him. I want to give him those with a letter about why I don't want them anymore - basically that although I made mistakes that contributed to his unhappiness, it was ultimately his choice to stop loving me and to end our marriage; as a result of that the promise I made to him on our wedding day will be broken; the day, and my memories of it, will lose their special place in my life. I honestly don't want them, and after his reaction when he noticed they were no longer hanging, well...
Any advice would be good. I'm really unsure about being less available for conversation, as after being subdued/less available our interactions seem to get worse. When he gave the "no matter what happens" little speech we'd seen each other 5 days in a row for a total of about 11-12 hours and had had some really good conversations.
You're doing a good job! I wouldn't ask him about the timelines for the divorce. You seem to understand the "as if' attitude more quickly than most....definitely keep that up.
I wouldn't give him all of the wedding stuff yet...along with the letter. It could backfire on you. Just put them away.
So if you were together right now...what kind of conversation would you have when he called?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I'm really unsure about being less available for conversation, as after being subdued/less available our interactions seem to get worse. When he gave the "no matter what happens" little speech we'd seen each other 5 days in a row for a total of about 11-12 hours and had had some really good conversations.
This is excellent solution-detecting! So build on this.
regaining my silly side
I like this. What can you do to bring some humor into your interactions...create some fun?
Keep up the positive attitudes whenever around him or talking to him. Make sure you are attractive whenever around him(hair done, nice clothes, perfume). DO NOT bring up the relationship to him, if he brings it up, then talk positively, justify his feelings, even if you don't agree, you don't have to agree, but don't put down his feelings. These are his feelings after all, right or wrong.
Next, make yourself a better person to be around. In the end, you two could end up divorced, but YOU WILL be a better person for all the work you do. Regardless of the end outcome, be a better person for you and your kids, not him.
I've been a lot more silly lately with my kids (kids and I are having much more fun together now), and sometimes he's been around for that. I don't feel comfortable teasing him about right now, and I'm not sure how else to be silly around him.
I'll keep thinking about the wedding pictures - given his schedule I doubt I'll see much of him until the weekend so I that gives me some time to work through whether it's a good idea at this time. On the flip side, I'm planning to bake muffins with D4 this evening, and I'm wondering whether to leave some at his front door in the morning - it will be his first-ever night shift tonight, and he'd find them when he came home from work. I don't know whether he would consider that pursuing or a nice gesture (his love language is acts of service - doing something nice for somone else).
Keep up the positive attitudes whenever around him or talking to him. Make sure you are attractive whenever around him(hair done, nice clothes, perfume). DO NOT bring up the relationship to him, if he brings it up, then talk positively, justify his feelings, even if you don't agree, you don't have to agree, but don't put down his feelings. These are his feelings after all, right or wrong.
Next, make yourself a better person to be around. In the end, you two could end up divorced, but YOU WILL be a better person for all the work you do. Regardless of the end outcome, be a better person for you and your kids, not him.
I've got an IC and am working on some of the things about me that I know I need to change. After I read DR I stopped telling him that I thought this separation was stupid (yes, that was not the brightest thing I ever did), and that's when I sent him the letter acknowleding our role in our problems and agreeing that a separation (but not a divorce) could be a good tool. I think H was a lot happier/calmer after that. I made a mistake on Halloween and disputed his opinion about whether we could change our negative patterns (which was a negative pattern in itseslf) and I'm not going to do that anymore.
I submitted a change of direct deposit location for my paycheck, but I'm probably too late for this billing cycle (we get paid monthly). I also discovered that one of the bills is in both our names, so I'm changing where it gets drafted today. I'm not planning to volunteer the information, so he probably won't figure it out for three or four weeks. I'll just write him a check after that.
Whatever it is that's pulling him away from you and his son, will eventually lose its power over him as long as he sees the girl he married. We women tend to change a lot after getting M and having children. Everyone does. It takes work and a constant reminder to be the one he fell in love with.
When you say you've been silly, I assume you are speaking about your sense of humor? That is an excellent tool! Who doesn't enjoy that atmosphere? Men hate drama! So whenever he comes over, or talks to you on the phone.....try to keep upbeat in your mental attitude. You will be challenged, but focus on your goal.
Have you set any personal goals? I suggest one of them be to get a good excersize workout b/c that does wonders for us when we are going through stressful times.
Living in a small town can have advantages. For example, your H will hear from others about seeing you out and how good you looked and how happy you seem to be.
Do you work outside of the home?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
), no complaining, no raising my voice when I'm angry/frustrated at the kids (or him), and regaining my silly side. I've also been working on GAL, and I've been really busy on weekends. He knows about some of the activities I've done and has asked questions beforehand but not afterwards. For the first few weeks after I read the book I also acted "as if" he was happy to see me, which was why I was trying to be cheerful and engaging.