CW, My former spouse displayed clincal depression throughout most of our marriage and he was extremely passive-aggressive. He never displayed any type of emotion except extreme anger when cornered. His mother said he was very hard to read and he didn't laugh very often. In many ways, he was like a child. He would want what everyone else had, but lost interest in whatever it was after about 6 weeks, no matter the amount of time, energy and money was put into purchasing the item of interest.
Everyone else was to blame for anything that happened. He would never accept responsiblity for his actions. He had a way of "freezing" people out of his life.
Throughout the marriage he looked to me to "fix" everything in his life, just as he relied on his brother to fix things for him when he was a child. He still tries to suck me in so that I will assist him in whatever he's doing at the moment....unfortunately, he doesn't understand or want to understand what the word divorce is.
Bottom line, my former spouse had a lot of unresolved childhood issues that went from abandonment, to lack of admiration and validation to some emotional abuse by two young parents who cared for only themselves and not their children.
Cas, I apologize for the hijack. Some day soon, I'll post a complete update on dear old Rip Van Winkle for he is still in slumber land.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly (and Lance) I try to be cautious about imputing views and acitons to others as it is hard to get it correct. What I was trying to say was simply that whether or not the WAS comes out of the tunnel is down to THEM as well as how we handle it. So many of us still think we can 'fix' it. We can't. The citing of Snodderly was to demonstrate that however much patience, compassion and insight we have, it doesn't bring them to the other side.
Snodderly, I thought that the decision was yours, but I also thought that `Rip' was still in MLC, as you confirmed. Like you, alhough somewhat later, I am coming to the view that enough is enough. My husband isn't as damaged as your appears to be, but he shows no real inclination after more than 5 years to try and re-build any sort of relationship with anyone close to him. I feel huge compassion for him, but see him as totally lost
There is a lot of agonising about 'If I had only done this' and 'If I hadn't said that' Healthy adult relationships allow for us to say and do the wrong things, and put it right.
Not too much to report. I've had a super busy week. H was here for weekly dinner and continued to be in touch regarding his ongoing job applications. Had some humorous convos but overall fairly uneventful.
Had my performance review Wed and H did text to ask how it went.
Today he took D for driving practice and came in to say hello but it was a really quick visit.
So really nothing to report. I am gaining the impression that we are in this comfortable place as friends and that's all there is to it.
It sounds as though you and H have recovered from the turbulence caused by MIL's visit. Interesting, isn't it? I've had a similar experience recently with XH.
Have you tried flirting with H? MHL has been encouraging me to flirt with my XH and XH hasn't shut me down yet. I'm referring to subtle things, like touching his arm when you're talking to him, or brushing hair out of his eyes.............you get the idea. MHL told me to buy a book on flirting. I did, and looking at it gave me inspiration.
Was it MWD who said "If you don't change anything, nothing will change"?
It sounds as though you and H have recovered from the turbulence caused by MIL's visit.
Yes, it seems that way. He was quite happy to be here for dinner again last week and complimented the dinner I served. I was quite busy as my performance review was the next day and I had to read all the documentation in preparation with the day. I chose to conifide details of the review with him and he seemed interested and supportive.
I had to cancel this week's dinner as I have a work function but suggested an alternative night H which readily accepted.
I'm starting to think about Christmas and not really sure how to handle it. I asked H what his plans were as I was trying to organise things around the kids who would ordinarily spend time with him. He replied that he didn't have plans. So I'm not really sure if he's saying he doesn't have plans himself or plans for his time with the kids. I just left it hanging in the air, not really sure where to go with that. I know I've got lots of time but in between now and Christmas I have my surgery and a week away with D for her swimming so need to have some ideas in my head.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
Have you tried flirting with H? MHL has been encouraging me to flirt with my XH and XH hasn't shut me down yet. I'm referring to subtle things, like touching his arm when you're talking to him, or brushing hair out of his eyes.............you get the idea. MHL told me to buy a book on flirting. I did, and looking at it gave me inspiration.
Good suggestion GAG. I have done the really subtle arm touching and hair brushing and the flirty asides. He hasn't shut me down in these circumstances and he's laughed and responded to the asides. With the recent MIL debacle and my busy agenda I've probably pulled back a little myself. Maybe, now that the ground is recovered I could wander down that road again.
I think my underlying fear is that all his needs are being met by ow who is a friend with benefits and me, a wife who brings limited pressure but plenty of wifely support. H is private person and that's probably about all he'll need. And now that MIL has endorsed ow he'll be able to bring her along to family events (although not if our kids are present).
I have a job interview tomorrow for a temporary position which will enhance my future employability in a promotional position. It will provide me with six months of alternative experience. I haven't told H yet.
Next weekend H has invited D to stay overnight and watch a movie and then he'll take her driving again. Ow must be resilient to handle all these weekends apart.
I chose to conifide details of the review with him and he seemed interested and supportive.
2 months ago when I thought GF#2 was out of the picture I began to start telling XH more honest information about my life. Jody had suggested that I do this but use that info to show XH that I can deal with it all (so that my life didn't feel like more of a burden to him). For example, when telling XH about work stresses, she suggested laying out vacation destination brochures and asking XH to help me brainstorm about good places to take a vacation to get away from work for a bit......even though XH is still with GF#2, I have continued to be more open about my life --- different than DBing in the early days --- but I think that XH is out of crisis mode (not done with the storm as MHL put it) so I think that he is going to be more aware of "fake" happiness. I feel that in order to move toward more intimacy with XH, I need to be more genuine.....and to prevent this from turning into feeling like a boring "room mate" type R, flirting may be the solution.
This is what my intuition tells me. What do you think Cas?
Originally Posted By: Cas05
I have done the really subtle arm touching and hair brushing and the flirty asides. He hasn't shut me down in these circumstances and he's laughed and responded to the asides.
This is what my XH does too. I think that somehow we need to tip the scales to our advantage. I'm thinking seriously about treating myself with some extra skin spa treatments to give myself that extra glow (doing something nice for myself for once instead of just sinking money into house maintenance). .........Cas, do you have any ideas for this?
Originally Posted By: Cas05
I think my underlying fear is that all his needs are being met by ow who is a friend with benefits and me, a wife who brings limited pressure but plenty of wifely support. H is private person and that's probably about all he'll need.
I've thought the same thing myself about my situation, and I'm speaking from experience. At one point in my life in my 20s, I had an arrangement like this, except there were 3 men involved who fulfilled different needs for me. It was about 4-5 months before the friend with benefits was out of the picture. The arrangement wasn't very fulfilling. That was the first and last time I tried that.
Originally Posted By: Cas05
Ow must be resilient to handle all these weekends apart.
Yes, either OW has a lot of other things going on in her life or she has low self-esteem....
Pretty busy tonight so will give your post some thought before replying tomorrow. Just wanted to tell you I was offered the position. I told H I was offered it and asked his opinion. He didn't see the value in me accepting and felt that the extra travel would only add to my stress at this time.
I've decided to accept as it is a short term position and will hopefully aide my long term goals. I'll have to be careful not to ever complain about it cos H will say, "I told you so!"
Interestingly I asked for his opinion and he gave it but he didn't ask what I was going to do. He may be surprised that I have decided to accept.
I got an email from MIL tonight with family news. I haven't replied.
