Lying and Cheating

[irishblessings]

MLW - I am so sorry you are experiencing this drama. Everything you reported is script that we have all heard.

Too much meddling - yes. Stay away from the behaviors. Detach, detach, detach. Do not let yourself get drawn into the drama - it is not healthy for YOU (says the pot to the kettle:))

[cat04]

She suggested I think of someone he respects and trusts to contact him and ask him out for a beer, man of course, and just try to get him reinvolved in his circle and hopefully find someone he can talk to besides the OW. He avoids all due to the MLC and feeling ashamed of his behavior. I am just not sure if this is ok, I have read so many times they have to go through their process in order to complete it and if they are pulled out or forced out too soon they will fall back at some point. I think it would make me feel better that someone reached out to him as I cannot help him, he refuses to discuss anything but kids and money. Is this too much meddling, apparently I am quite a control freak in his eyes anyway. What to do?

This is a bad bad idea.

It is you still trying to control and manipulate. If he thinks you are that way, do you really want to prove him right?

My H, returned from his first crisis, I am not sure why exactly, and years later, we found ourselves in the same place, only worse.

Same excuses, same spew, same behaviors, magnified about 10 times.

You must, for both of you, allow him to come through this or not on his own.

[LanceSijan]

Cat is correct. They are doomed to keep repeating this until they complete the entire crisis. Each successive repeat is worse and worse.

It is also the same way with the LBS. If we do not learn life's lessons from our part of the crisis then we will keep repeating our mistakes until we learn them.

Let go and let him work this out on his own!

[midlifewife]

I have been doing a pretty good job of letting go and trying to make my own way but he doesnt seem to care that I dont call or text or email anymore, how can no contact be effective if he is no contact?
I also am consumed with knowing the truth, if the EA has progressed to PA, I dont know that I want to continue with this if it has, I dont feel like I can handle it and get past it, MLC or not.

[Albuquerque]

MLW,

MLC is a loooong process. I don't know how long you've been at it, but it can take years. You can't expect a few weeks of work to be causing any changes. But even more importantly, you can't expect ANYTHING.

You need to go back to the links Cadet sent you and REALLY learn about detachment. You must move on for yourself. Snooping into your H business does nothing for YOU but cause more pain. Most MLCs have an affair and most are PA. Only YOU can know what you are able to deal with. Everyone has their limits. Should finding out whether certain body parts have had contact make the decision whether you leave your M? You may decide that you're done and that's OK. Only you can make that decision. But if you decide to stand for your marriage, you have A LOT of work ahead of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint. What are you doing to improve yourself? How can you be a better you?

We all know this is tough chit. Your H is in a fog and may be there for years. And there are no guarantees. Work on yourself. Then either way, you'll be stronger and better each and every day.

[midlifewife]

He Filed, I found out last night he filed on oct 26, he did not tell me, kids, family friends, noone. I still have not received papers. I dont even know what to pray for. Somehow I have to work today in a few hours, find a lawyer, keep my head for my kids and again go to work. I just want to pull the covers over my head. My worst nightmare is coming true, I am not sure why I am so scared, I have been living it since March.

[warriorshadow]

Midlife,

This is kind of typical behavior for an MLC'r. I don't know if

that is what your H is going through but you have to read the

resources and make your own decision if it is. The fact that you

have not received the papers yet says to me that he feels guilty

to fully pull the trigger. At least now when the papers do come,

it won't be a complete shocker. Of course this stuff hurts badly.

Many of us here have had this same thing happen to us. Do not be

afraid to come here and vent. There are good people here to help

you through this. Please be easy on yourself. I realize that this

stuff is extremely hard to deal with and I know what you must be

feeling. I have three kids as well and when your spouse turns

into someone that you feel you don't even know anymore it is

very hard to understand what is going on and also keep your head

straight. Keep posting so the people here can help you.

WS

[punkin]

MLW,

Most all of us here know that painful moment. I was completely caught off guard when a deputy showed up at my house with papers, and he could tell. He was a little shame-faced, and I was trying to keep my composure. But - the waiting and not knowing is the worst. You know they are out there, so no shocker. When they are served, just politely smile, sign it and go back in. Okay, the worst has happened. We move on from here.

It is a sick, terrifying moment, but we live on. My advice:

If you feel you need it, seek help from your family doctor for sleep aides, but listen to him closely, as they are addicting. YOU HAVE TO REST. Not only for yourself but for your kids. Getting sick won't help the situation. You usually have a certain amount of days to respond. You have to be thinking clearly to do that. That requires sleep. When you are rested, and calm, then decide your next move. Don't do anything in a panic. Once you are served, the ball is truly in your court.

I contested the divorce,just so you know. Makes him prove the whys and wherefores in my State.

Next, once you've gotten hold of yourself-and that ain't easy- you start Getting A Life. No, you can't shuck all your responsibilities like he has, but carve out a little "ME" time for youself. Just a bit at a time. Before you know it, the chink is a chunk.

Anyway, I don't mean to come off sounding like Obie-Wan-Kanobie here. Just some advice from a been-there-done-that fellow LBS.

(((HUGS))

[midlifewife]

I think someone just tried to serve me the papers finally, what do I do? I did not answer the door, I dont answer for any strangers, but I am so scared now. I think I am done, my oldest found love letters in his dads apt from the ow last night and is just devasted, he suspected something but is not and should not have to deal with this. I am so upset and dont know what to do. If I accept I only have a certain number of days to respond but cant afford a retainer to get a lawyer, I dont know what to do. Can I get in trouble for evading this guy trying to serve me? of course this is all my fault

[midlifewife]

I still have not been served although I know they are out there and it is a matter of time. My husband has finally quit denying the affair, well he says they were just friends but he has moved on and just wants this over with so he can live his own life. He told me yesterday he will never ever come back.

Most of me is done, sick sick sick knowing that the past year has just been one lie after the other protecting her, another part of me wants to keep a small flame of hope that if he ever wakes up he will come home.

I have considered calling a DB coach but will they be able to help me decide what to do, or help me move on with my life regardless of what he does. Is there even a reason to hope now that he has filed and is planning a new life with OW? OW is actually a little scary, I think she could end up being a stalker/nutcase like that movie Fatal Attraction, she is calculating and manipulitive beyond what I can even imagine, he is now her little puppet. I am just not sure it is even healthy to think there is ever a chance he will come home.

I am trying to not be hateful in hopes of keeping things amicable between us but I hate who he has become and am afraid fighting for what I want in the divorce as far as custody etc will just make him not only close the door but lock it forever.

Not sure any of this makes sense but I have spent so much time and money trying to fix this marriage that he has been done with for months, how do you know when to fold?