The year of the bomb, every anniversary.. when we met, married, birthday, etc... hurt. The sense of rejection and pain rose to the surface. I always felt like crap on those days and then had to figure out why. It's like my heart knew and felt the booboo.
The following year, as I started to have a different life, it was less so but sometimes I would feel really crummy. Then I'd ask myself why.. and most time it had something to do with a memorable time in the past. The day of his wedding was no biggie because I was so busy with my mom and brother visiting along with some great things happening on that day. When I found out he was having a baby, all I cared about was how it affected my kids.
Getting off the emotional roller coaster comes with awareness of choices and being able to embrace the healthiest. It also comes with perspective. I have to remind myself, the more I bang my head into a brick wall (like going over the past, what if's, how I got so screwed financially) the more it hurts. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why I forget!
Look for the triggers. When I'm sad, scared, feeling insecure, isolating, have a bad interaction with him, a really tough time with the kids it's most likely to kick in. But that is ME doing it.. not him. It's ME going back to an old (unhealthy) comfort zone.. being a victim. But placing blame and feeling helpless get me no where.. except feeling like crap.
What the former spouses do is none of our business. Their relationships with the interlopers have nothing to do with us.
It's our job to be a nurturing supportive parent providing a safe secure home for our children.
It's our choice to learn how to process this heartbreak. As a friend always asked me.. If I broke a bone, would I try to fix it myself or go to someone who knows how to do it?
Never demean the former spouse in front of the children.
Don't turn place the burden of emotional support on the children. They're going through horrific pain and would still fall on a sword to take care of their parent.
And talk about yuck-ugly. Those woman's text are just vile. The former spouse's wife is a pile of sticky tar goop based on the scant interactions I've had with her. It's only MY problem if I react to it.
Taking the high road means not wanting to catch or roll in the sh!t she's sending you. Be there to listen to the kids if they want to talk about it.. and be supportive to them, and of yourself. Her insults don't matter. The way you live your life tells more to the kids than any nasty words.
I never knew I was a raging codependent. Tried to fix everything, anticipate everything (like knowing where the bathrooms were in a restaurant so I'd be prepared to escort someone there, if needed!) I had to have all the answers. Reading Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" daily passages really helped me. Some nights the only thing that got me to sleep was cuddling with "Codependent No More" by the same author. I have to tell you, I was squawking with shock over how many loving things I did that were indicative of being so controlling.
I've learned to sit on my hands, super glue my mouth shut and LISTEN. Sometimes the old ways just whoosh out. At those times I apologize and go back to listening. It's one of the best things ever.
Your kids sound incredible. You, too. Keep doing the good stuff and find even more great ways to be healthy in mind, body and spirit. Take care of you, the rest will follow.
*hugs*
Make choices to be positive.. little steps. Like creating a new thread with a title that isn't about HIM. Have it reflect something about YOU.
