In some very strange way I feel sorry for both of them. How can they ever trust each other??? I also know that she tries to provoke me with her texts so that she can justify to XH, why he left me and why she is the better option.
At the end of the day I have my sons and that is what counts!! He doesnt - his loss.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Sadly, my kids only tolerate her. She will never be able to forge any decent relationship with him as they know how much she has hurt me. She also continues to say really mean things about me to them. Just the other day she asked S8 if I was going to gym and he replied that yes I do. She then asked how often, and he said quite a lot. She said to my S8, that I should ask for a refund as it wasnt working.
It actually made me laugh. She hasnt seen me in ages and actually doesnt know me as has never actually met me, how can she judge me on that!!!
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
The year of the bomb, every anniversary.. when we met, married, birthday, etc... hurt. The sense of rejection and pain rose to the surface. I always felt like crap on those days and then had to figure out why. It's like my heart knew and felt the booboo.
The following year, as I started to have a different life, it was less so but sometimes I would feel really crummy. Then I'd ask myself why.. and most time it had something to do with a memorable time in the past. The day of his wedding was no biggie because I was so busy with my mom and brother visiting along with some great things happening on that day. When I found out he was having a baby, all I cared about was how it affected my kids.
Getting off the emotional roller coaster comes with awareness of choices and being able to embrace the healthiest. It also comes with perspective. I have to remind myself, the more I bang my head into a brick wall (like going over the past, what if's, how I got so screwed financially) the more it hurts. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why I forget!
Look for the triggers. When I'm sad, scared, feeling insecure, isolating, have a bad interaction with him, a really tough time with the kids it's most likely to kick in. But that is ME doing it.. not him. It's ME going back to an old (unhealthy) comfort zone.. being a victim. But placing blame and feeling helpless get me no where.. except feeling like crap.
What the former spouses do is none of our business. Their relationships with the interlopers have nothing to do with us.
It's our job to be a nurturing supportive parent providing a safe secure home for our children.
It's our choice to learn how to process this heartbreak. As a friend always asked me.. If I broke a bone, would I try to fix it myself or go to someone who knows how to do it?
Never demean the former spouse in front of the children.
Don't turn place the burden of emotional support on the children. They're going through horrific pain and would still fall on a sword to take care of their parent.
And talk about yuck-ugly. Those woman's text are just vile. The former spouse's wife is a pile of sticky tar goop based on the scant interactions I've had with her. It's only MY problem if I react to it.
Taking the high road means not wanting to catch or roll in the sh!t she's sending you. Be there to listen to the kids if they want to talk about it.. and be supportive to them, and of yourself. Her insults don't matter. The way you live your life tells more to the kids than any nasty words.
I never knew I was a raging codependent. Tried to fix everything, anticipate everything (like knowing where the bathrooms were in a restaurant so I'd be prepared to escort someone there, if needed!) I had to have all the answers. Reading Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" daily passages really helped me. Some nights the only thing that got me to sleep was cuddling with "Codependent No More" by the same author. I have to tell you, I was squawking with shock over how many loving things I did that were indicative of being so controlling.
I've learned to sit on my hands, super glue my mouth shut and LISTEN. Sometimes the old ways just whoosh out. At those times I apologize and go back to listening. It's one of the best things ever.
Your kids sound incredible. You, too. Keep doing the good stuff and find even more great ways to be healthy in mind, body and spirit. Take care of you, the rest will follow.
*hugs*
Make choices to be positive.. little steps. Like creating a new thread with a title that isn't about HIM. Have it reflect something about YOU.
Look for the triggers. When I'm sad, scared, feeling insecure, isolating, have a bad interaction with him, a really tough time with the kids it's most likely to kick in. But that is ME doing it.. not him. It's ME going back to an old (unhealthy) comfort zone.. being a victim. But placing blame and feeling helpless get me no where.. except feeling like crap.
What the former spouses do is none of our business. Their relationships with the interlopers have nothing to do with us.
It's our job to be a nurturing supportive parent providing a safe secure home for our children.
It's our choice to learn how to process this heartbreak. As a friend always asked me.. If I broke a bone, would I try to fix it myself or go to someone who knows how to do it?
Never demean the former spouse in front of the children.
Don't turn place the burden of emotional support on the children. They're going through horrific pain and would still fall on a sword to take care of their parent.
[...]
Make choices to be positive.. little steps. Like creating a new thread with a title that isn't about HIM. Have it reflect something about YOU.
And I like what you wrote about codependence/being controlling. I am realizing too that a lot of ways that I show "love" are controlling. I can see it very clearly in my new relationship where it's more obvious how inappropriate some of my impulses are.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks Gypsy - wise words again. I am always telling my mom that life is about choices and we should be responsible for our own choices - she is often in victim mode herself. I guess I need to start listening to my own advise.
I have been doing really well recently - however I guess I just hit a bump in the road again. I totally agree I need to start MY new life, small steps, and some good constructive goals. I know I give them far too much of my brain time. Imagine what I can do if I turned that energy on myself and my sons.
As much as I would love to, I never respond to her texts. I wont acknowledge her that way. I have learnt to give myself some time outs if I need to. Walk around the garden, do some washing or whatever it takes to take my mind off it.
Thanks again for the advice - I really appreciate it.
((( back at ya)))
p.s. will work on a new thread name for myself.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Gabbysmom, that must have been really tough for you. I didnt have my S8 this year for his birthday and I hated it. We did however do a birthday party before he went to his Dad's and he loved it. We did it first so we called it his first birthday.
Turning two is such a significant age - so really feel your pain. However, someone did tell me that I need to remember that there will be alot of birthdays ahead that we can spend with our kids.
At least we know that when we start new relationships that they will be based on good intentions and people will rejoice our union, rather than cringe and keep it a secret.
((( ))) to you.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
So child maintenance has not been paid today as agreed per court ordered consent order. The first maintenance payment was made on time last month and now the second one, not there!!!
Unforunately I am reliant on this money so really need him to pay it. Damn, I know that he is doing it just to frustrate me. I have texted him twice and also emailed him. I hate doing that, but I have to follow it up. I am sure he really enjoyed that - he has always said I was greedy, and always resented the money aspect of our relationship.
I hated asking!!!
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
That sucks to have to ask Lea. Sorry he's put you in that position
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
