So they WAS comes home yesterday...he found all his stuff in the garage. He had no option but to sleep in the car in the garage. I feel so free and I know I am alright with God. I tried to save my marriage but it has failed. But I am alright now. I know there will be moments when I will feel so low but I will get thru somehow. Something he did yesterday earlier in the morning...he comes to me and says he was sorry. REALLY! I knew his sorry was not sincere and was only said coz he has nowhere to go. And has no money (he was actally begging me for money to but his fuel.) I told him I wasn't gonna give him anything (that's financing his little vacation albeit indirectly). He spent all the money on the OW on this trip and he thinks I will come rescuing him financially! He has some nerve. This morning I know he will want to get in the house to bathe and prepare for work. Will not let him in at all! If he tries I will call the police on him. So the guy has nowhere to go, no money....feel sorry for him somehow but he made his bed. And he practically has no friends - the OW was his friend and I am detecting a little conflict btn them.
Wow. You sound strong, sounds like you know what you want from life and aren't afraid to get it. Feels good doesn't it.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks Gut-wrenching I am trying to be strong. And yes it does feel good to know that you are in control of your life.
Update:
I spoke to both our relatives about the situation. ALL of them were quite saddened by the whole issue as they did not expect something like that to happen. Everyone so admired us as a couple and people would tell us so. All these people are so on my side though they want us to work through this. I told them it was a tad too late! So on Satarday I received a call from a lady who is my H's friend's wife. I was really surprised that she called coz we havent spoken in a very long time. I suspected that my H was crashing at their place. She denied it. Anyway she asked if she could come to my place or if I could visit her. Told her I would give her an answer the following day. Later decided to visit her on Sunday in the afternoon. Anyway when we met we spoke about my situation and she told me about what she had gone through that was almost similar to my situation. We spoke heart to heart and somehow she managed to get to me in a way that was just so practical. She said hastily divorving my husband was not the best decision for all concerned esp for my son. Noone can ever love my son like his father can. She said things happen in marriage...and it's either they build or destroy us...depending on what we allow. She then told me that my husband was actually at their place since Friday. Sneaky! She said she had to lie about it initially as she wasafraid i wasn't gona want to meet her if I knew my H was at their place. Could be true! She said she and her husband had spoken to my H and he was so remorseful and regretted all he had done. I really felt sorry for him from what they said he was going through. They said he was constantly asking himself why he did it and wondered if I could ever forgive him or want to talk to him. ( Sin in haste / Repent at leisure) Mind you he hasn't called since he left. She actually said he was scared to get in touch with me and he does not know how to make things right. Really? Anyway I told her if he want's something so bad he will find ways. Anyway I know he will call or come home in the next few days. My question is what do I do now? Inspite of what has happened in the past 3 mnths we have had such a wonderful marriage with my husband for 5 years. Yes initially after finding out that they went out abt the affair and worse the sexscapade vacation I really wanted to call it quits. But after talking to a number of pple and searching my heart I still want my marriage. Of coz some changes have to be made and some boundaries have to be made. The question is what changes and which boundaries? I know some of the things that I want but I also need your input and suggestions. He is probably gonna want to come back home immediately. I am not ready for that. The problem is I get the feeling that the people he is staying with do not wish him to stay there indefinitely. It's not really my problem where he stays but I also respect these people. So please guys tell me what I should do and say to him when he calls. Sandi, Starsky, and all you other guys.
I would say any action that would chance to take from your dignity, should be crossing a boundary. You would need to think of a consequence for him if he doesn't respect the boundary. I don't suggest Divorce at all. You save D until there is nothing left.
These others would fall under things he may say in public or in front of friends/family or in the privacy of home. Any form of bad-mouthing his S or making her the butt of his jokes, is not acceptable behavior. It is rude and it's not "cherising" her as he vowed to do in the wedding cermony. Any putdown or tone of voice, body language, attitude......anything that makes you feel as though he is using you like a doormat. A H is suppose to make us feels like his queen. He should see you like you were the most precious gem ever created. Now this may be something unclear to him as a man, and if it were....then you must bread down and spell it how and draw a pocture of it. But the point is stop giving him little hints at what you want. They are brain damaged and don't know these things.
Now, those above were very important, but they may be somewhat smaller issues (as men see it) than these others. If the M suffered an A and now H is trying to R, then do you plan to state certain boundaries you want to be respected or not? How do you want to hadle that? Do you want some type of transparent plan (we can explan that later, if you want) or do you want to wait and see what happens? Now, I believe whenever A person voices a boundary in the MR, then she/he better have a consequence to enforce . If there is no consequence....then there was so real boundary. No consequences(if not carried out) cancells the boudary. It's usless. So you don't have to tell him what the conseqence will be for these other things. But you will be able to think about it and now how to help the consequence be reated to his boundary breaking.
Obviously the later ones are the more serious and therefor you save the most server consequence for that one.
So, these are only examples I'm throwing at you, okay?
Before he actually moves back into the home, do you want him to sit down with you and discuss anythig or had you rather meet for coffer in a little shop to introduce some new areas of respect in order for you to continue on.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It’s been quite a while since I have been here. Thought I would do an update. I was last here in November 2010 when I had chucked my cheating husband out. You can read up for the rest of my story. I will update from where I left off. I exposed the OW on FB to her friends. I created a fake account and befriended her friends and told them everything that happened. That was Nov 2010. When I did that hubby was livid. After the chats with the lady where my husband was temporarily staying I called him to come back home. Something I regretted doing. He came back about 3 days later and said he was home for his son but he didn't bring in his clothes he would take all the clothes he wanted to wear that day from his car. No immediate progress was achieved. Things started changing from December 2010 slowly though. We fought a lot and he was still pursuing the other lady though he still denied it. Around February 2011 things got bad with the OW and he was dumped coz the affair it was complicating her life since she was married and in her own words it wasn’t what she thought it would be. I guess I was kinda of fed up in a way and started truly implementing most advice given here. My mistake before was that I was too needy and did most things I wasn’t supposed to do. I started not caring much and it scared him and practiced tough love and I stopped defending myself or justifying myself and allowing him to tell me I was paranoid when I wasn’t. At first he thought it was a show but then he realised it was not. I still loved him and still wanted us to work things out. I just didn't show him how badly. That's when he started changing slowlyI guess he realised he might actually lose me coz he could not get away with breaking our boundaries anymore....well he did a couple of times. In May 2011 I realised I was pregnant. We were both not so happy...I didn't want to have another kid with this man. In August 2011 we had a birthday party for our first son. In November 2011 we went for a vacation - just the two of us...it was really special...it helped make our relationship better. My father in law came to stay with us in November 2011 so we had to watch how we handled ourselves around him though things got really fiery a couple of times btn me and hubby whilst he was around. Mainly coz hubby was coming home late anytime from 12am to 5am. Something he hadn't done before. It was not often but I wasn't comfortable with that. I gave birth in January 2012. In all this I never felt like he had realised how badly he had hurt me and worse he didn't want to talk about us and our relationship. It bothered me cause I FELT WE NEEDED IT IN ORDER TO MOVE ON. Our talks where half hearted from his side. He continued coming home late a few other times throughout 2012, until I said enough is enough one day when I saw a funny slip that indicated that he was having an affair with another woman. That was early December 2012. I don’t think it was a serious affair like the first affair in that he wasn’t as cold as before and he wasn’t phone crazed like before. He said it was nothing serious but it did happen and I was livid. I threw his things out again and this time I didn’t tell people what was happening coz I didn’t want to make decisions based on what other people advised. I was doing it for me. I threw his things out again. I smsed him a copy of the slip...he knew he was busted and kept calling me the whole day, I mostly ignored his calls. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him. He came back home after work and found his things out. I had changed the locks to the door coz he had his own set of keys. He stayed at the door for a while and kept trying to call me, I didn’t answer. He then smsed saying ‘please can we talk’. I told him again I didn’t want to talk to him. We hadn’t worked something out before why now. I told him I didn’t have anything to say anymore. Why would I, for him to tell me lies and keep on cheating and hurting me. I guess it finally dawned on him that things had really changed, in fact he told me so and said I had changed and he didn’t want to lose me. I didn’t open the door. He ended up sleeping in his car outside for 2 nights. The third night he was parked outside and I realised I needed to go to the shops to fetch something. When I came back he was at the door and he wanted to get into the house. I told him if he dared to I would call the police on him, and I did. He entered the house and refused to leave. The police came and escorted him out. He found a hotel to stay in. He was still trying to call me asking for us to work things out. That weekend we had previously planned to go shipping for our kids so I went with him shopping mainly coz I was scared he would take our older son if I let him go alone with them. Whilst we were out he begged me to talk to him and give him another chance to work things out. I told him it was too late coz I had given him countless chances and he blew them. I badly wanted us to talk but I wanted to see how sincere he was first. I saw a sincerity I hadn’t seen before, he had never wanted to talk or work things out and he badly wanted to he was practically begging me to. So it was refreshing to see this other side, I was scared though that he might not mean it. But I decided to meet up with him but on neutral grounds. We met at a local hotel later that night we slept in the same room but in different beds, coz I had insisted on that. We didn’t speak much that night but we did the following morning. We spoke about everything and he was open in a way that he had never been the whole of our lives. I wanted to know why he had done it and what he wanted out of US. That talk changed everything...when we finished the anger was gone and I felt that he meant every word he said. We established a couple of boundaries like he said he had these affairs mainly coz he was bored....we worked out how to work out through that boredom and how to be more open with each other. He came back home later and things have never been the same. We are happy ...our two sons are a cherry on the top. We have fun together as a family and as a couple, we plan things together , we talk over things and don’t bottle up things anymore. Even his phones they are now no longer password protected. I am happy and thankful for each day....he is a completely changed man. Miracles do happen and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything that happened before just seem like a bad dream. And I thank all of you guys who helped me here, and Michelle for such a great website. And ultimately all thanks be unto God.
Thank you so much for sharing! It's great to hear about reconciliations.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
