We took up so much space we got locked out of your thread, so I am starting a new one for you. I did not think that my little fingers could contribute to so much cyberspace clutter.....LOL.
Cloudy,
I am relieved to see that you were much more at ease last night when you posted. Whew!! I know that this is a very tough time for you, but you can make the changes that you need to see yourself through this.
No matter what happens, you have to make sure that the kids are taken care of first and that they know how much you love them. Too often the kids are caught in the middle of these messes and left in the dirt. I do not get the feeling that you are that kind of man. My impression is that you are a caring father, involved in his children's lives, so keep that up.
I hope that the changes that you are making for yourself are giving you a better frame of mind. Don't hesitate to use these forums as a sounding board, because sometimes in the depth of our repective sitch's, we all need a saner point of view. I have been helped though my days of hell and I cannot thank all of those that reached out to me. Keep posting and you will find skills out here that can help you.
You want to know about little ol' me? Essentially, nothing has changed in my life. Was at my house for the past week due to family and holiday obligations, but little progress from the H. Granted, his responses to my questions were more thought out than previously, so that was something. Still no physical contact..... Moved back to the friend's because I am sticking to my guns after drawing my line in the sand. H was not happy about me moving back to the friends' but the ball is in his court...
I don't think so much as he is making baby steps, but making baby stumbles...falling on his butt right now, but there is a bit of effort from him. I'm seeing how this is going, too many years to ditch the whole thing, but I am making him do most of the work right now. If he wants me, well, he is going to have to make big changes and not just for right now, either. They better be permanent, or he knows that I am walking and not looking back.
He claims that he is trying to make an appointment with the counseling specialist that he was referred to. I would not do this, too. He has to take responsibility for what has happenned between us.
I have not been on the anti-depressants for about two weeks which is good for me. Having a bunch of fun on the Just for Fun links, not behaving myself at all. Like I ever could.
Thank you for strting the new thread. I was wondering when the other one would end. I am so grateful to you, and everyone else who shows interest, in giving me a sounding board.
My wife has gone very strange on me. She cheats on me, then we draw close to each other over the holiday, spending time together and talking, then on Monday she decides she needs space and is treating me with extreme distance ever since. Every contact is like a business transaction, very terse and to the point. I have no idea what's going on with her, and she's breaking my heart.
Please, please give me some insight into what she might be going through, and how I can handle this. She's willing to see a counselor, and I've set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon for both of us. I'm afraid we'll walk in and she'll drop the bomb on me. God, I love her, but she is literally breaking my heart.
She's probably feeling a whole slew of sh!t that has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Were I you, when you are at the counselor's tomorrow, I'd look her in the eye and tell her you are very confused by her actions over the last week or so, describing it for her as you have described here. Then ask her if the reason she has pulled away from you is because of Mr. Fireman. Then I'd go from there.
It's has only been a couple of weeks since things careemed out of control. She does not know where she stands anymore because the rules and the situations changed drastically. Theis may be a defense mechanism for her, trying to justify what happened, it's hard to say.
Patience is the only way to handle this. How often are you having contact? Just a call once day is still a connector between the two of you. She wants space, you are trying to give it to her, but this is going to take some time to resolve. Patience and a cool head. If either of you make decisions right now, how grounded will those decisions be? Not very. Give this some time and let things find their new level. It is encouraging that she is willing to go to a counselor with you.
What could she possibly thinking right now that has nothing to do with me, or with us?? As Corri knows, I got a bug up my butt today to send her a dozen red roses to her office. I know that she got them, because I called someone else in her department to check. Weird though....that person even seemed to be giving me the cold shoulder too! And this is someone I worked with just two weeks ago.
This is all just so bizarre. I feel so out in the cold. I like the suggestion about asking her about Mr. Fireman. Might be a good way to get the meeting started, eh? I have no idea if she's still seeing this guy. The holidays are coming up, and I need to know what to do with family stuff. Just a week ago, everything seemed to be going well between us, now the severe distance. So bizarre.
I am picking up the daughter tonight, and then dropping her off at the house, so I'm bound to see the wife. Will let you know how it goes. The way she's acting, I expect her to pull my daughter into the house and slam the door in my face. Why do I deserve this treatment? What on earth did I do to her?
The one thing that triggered her backing off from me was when I sent Mr. Fireman the two text messages telling him to back off from my wife and my family. She took that as a needless macho display, and immediately backed off, and she kept asking me if I was going to keep bugging him. I have not done so since then, so I've kept my word that I would in fact back off. Nevertheless, does it seem odd that she would act this way? Kind of defensive in favor of the Fireman? You think she's still seeing him, talking to him, developing a relationship with him, while I give her "space"?
Here is my take on it....watch out cause you aren't going to like it. You called the fireman, she is still infatuated with him which means that message from you to him caused her to feel the need to contact him....she was probably just looking for an excuse and what better reason than to call and apologize for her unreasonable husband. BINGO! Back in contact with the fireman. The last post I wrote to you was about playing into your fears and only making things worse. At times, actions that give us temporary relief....like telling off the guy who screwed our wife can really backfire on us. Learn from your mistake.
Brian, are you reading what people are writing and are you putting any thought into following any of the suggestions being made. If you are I don't see it. Why on earth would you send roses to a woman who has ask you for space? Fear! Why would you give a daily phone call to a woman who has ask you for space? Fear! Why would you call and speak to a co-worker to see if she had recieved the flowers? Fear! Why are you on this board tonight repeating the same things you have been saying over and over again? Fear! You are going to lose the battle cause you can't get the fear under control. You can't see the damned forest for the trees
I'm going to quote Corri here, "You are now on the other side of the fence. Now you see things from a different point of view. This isn't my way of saying it's 'payback' time. It is my way of saying that you have now experienced a similar situation from both sides of the field. You now have a unique perspective. So what are you going to do with what you've learned?"
You've done the hurting in your marriage and now you are being hurt. What are you going to do with this unique perspective? What are you learning, what have you learned? Stop acting like you are feeling your way around in the dark because you aren't. You have experienced enough in your marriage that you should be able to handle this situation better than you are.
This is going to sound harsh but you need to hear it...let go of the fu#*ing fear and get out of the life of a woman who has sent you a clear message that she wants time and space away from the confines of her marriage. If you don't do that and do it now you are going to end up standing in the middle of the forest alone.
Get your mind on your girls, get yourself into therapy with them. I can't imagine what they must be thinking and feeling about this mess. Get focused on something you have some control over.....calming them and easing their fears. Let your wife go, give her the space she ask for so she can learn for herself. Stop spinning your wheels and kicking up dust cause you are only choking the life out of your marriage. Brian, your wife is just looking for reasons to follow through with this fireman. Why can't you see that you are spoon feeding them to her? Cathy
Obsession is not 9/10's of the law :-) It will, in fact, cause you a lot of undue pain.
I would strongly suggest that you back off. Give your wife some space. Get your mind in some semblance of order so you can be sane for your kids.
Kids need at least one sane parent. Your wife is off on her big adventure, you are off on a deepwoods adventure in Emotion Land.
The facts in your situation are simple.
1) There is no quick fix, so stop trying to fix it quick.
2) See item number 1.
Return to the land of the normal breathers and be available to your kids. Do it now, and stay there. Take a trip to the book store and grab a copy of divorce busting. Read it. Stop panicing. This is not the end of the world. This is not the last time you will face trauma or hard times in your life. You can deal with it.
The pain and fear you are experiencing now will let up in time * IF * you stop feeding it.
All the best,
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I am starting my day with a better attitude. We are seeing a counselor this afternoon, and I'll have better perspective after that.
I saw the wife last night, when I dropped my daughter off at the house. While she stood at the door, I just told her that she's breaking my heart with her behavior toward me. Typically, she looked at me with that look of dismissal. Like, *what are you talking about....breaking your heart?*. Like I have no heart to break, or worth breaking.
She then launched into the reasons she is being distant and thinking about us. Since I left my old company, some women are telling my wife that I used to rub their shoulders sometimes, or hug them, or be flirtatious. She takes this as further evidence that I'm a cad, and can't be trusted. Is that ridiculous, or what?
I'm going to come at her in a serious way at this counselor's today. She is not going to get off with saying the Fireman was just a little thing, while trying to make a case against me with instances I can't even defend myself against. It's like what Schwarzenegger went through out here with his groping charges.
I'm finding it easier to give her her space today. Cathy's right, my actions were all out of fear. (It would have been nice to have the flowers acknowledged, but they weren't. It's like I never sent them.) I'm planning to be alone on Xmas, and to only give gifts to my daughters. The Xmas cards will be from me only.
I'm tired of her games, and her control. She wants space so that she doesn't have to worry about how I'm feeling today, or making me feel good, or appreciated. She wants that to come from a new place in herself. She says that she's been too consumed with how I feel, and needs to find out, with space, how she feels about herself, and about us.
My problem with it is, it's another open-ended thing she sets up. The sex problem with us was her always open-ended about her isue of distrust. there was never an end date to it, it could go on forever. Now, she wants space. How long will that go on....3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years? And how long am I supposed to wait? She assures me that Mr. Fireman is no longer an issue. Maybe so. I get the distinct feeling that she does not want this marriage....period. She just can't bring herself to SAY IT!
I have heard everyone's advice, and I plan to start folowing it to the best of my ability. Obviously, my way isn't working.
